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Posts Tagged ‘relationships’

It’s funny how you can’t keep track of things in your own relationship when there is chaos. I read my prior blog post of February 2016. I knew then apparently that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you asked me a month ago, I would have said I didn’t really understand at that time though I had a thought I was. Now I read that I did get it. I still don’t think I fully believed it then, however.

Flash forward to February 2017. He broke up with me in Hawaii. On a vacation that was supposed to be our honeymoon, but turned vacation because he called off the wedding in November 2016. Then soon after, we became girlfriend and boyfriend rather than fiancés.

The pain I endured staying with him from that blog post of February 2016 to the breakup of February 2017 was insurmountable. It was the most emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. If you are reading this and are in an emotionally abusive relationship, leave. Don’t stay. There are always ways to get taken care of by family or friends or resources. Now I’m sitting here working through the fact that I stayed. Sure, I think it was a lesson I had to experience to really understand. But if it helps you to hear it from someone who has been there, a minute more of abuse is a minute less of a happy life. It’s a minute more you have to get over it. Don’t put up with it. Separate or leave. They will treat you how you accept. You are a beautiful human being worthy of respect. I’m sure you didn’t react to abuse and unkindness in a healthy way while it was happening but you are not the perpetrator… you are a victim trying to survive.

Now I sit knowing that I will survive. I wish I didn’t have to feel the pain of regret and now trying to add that with knowing I did the best I could. It’s confusing. Because even if I had cancer and depended on him at the time, it was never worth staying with that treatment. Even if his brother jumped out of a window, it doesn’t give him license to treat me that way. Even if he is struggling in his new job and doesn’t handle the stress well, it doesn’t mean he can take it out on me and then start blaming me for everything. There will never be another excuse that will work to allow emotional abuse or any type of abuse to continue in my life again! Every human being deserves respect and love and apologies when needed.

I forgive you, Julie, for staying. You did not realize the severity and had a hard time believing this is who he really was. That is the cycle of abuse. You are out and that is what is important. You will never go back. You pulled away emotionally when you really, really began to see it for what it was in January 2017. You had thoughts and knew you would leave one day. Thank god it happened sooner than later. You are smart, you are loveable, and you are wise. You will always have your own back and you will never accept less than you deserve in the future. Everyone goes through lessons in life and this was one of yours. It’s okay. It’s alright. You are forgiven and you will heal.

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Physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.

It may be an enigma for me.

I wish that it was not so rare. But then how special would it be? Things that great should be far and few between.

I hope that I find a gift of a partner like this. If I don’t, I’ll be happy with myself. I’ve learned how to live the single life now and be honestly happy. There are moments when you are in a relationship and you wish you were single, sometimes more than just moments. And there are sometimes when you are single that you wish you were in a relationship. Life isn’t about what you don’t have-it’s about what you do. Gratefulness.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve chosen wrong people to be with, even when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was wrong. I’ve made passionate love that was better than I could imagine. I’ve not had a good, honest man, that I’ve made passionate love to that was better than I could have dreamt.

I won’t settle for less than physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.  It’s what I deserve if I commit to anyone. It is rare. It is good that it is rare. I’ve learned that I can be happy single and I’ve learned settling is horrible for the human heart.

I will live my life out loud, with joy. That’s what I’ll do. That’s my plan. If there is a partner for me out there, I know that I’ll be open and happy enough for him to find his place next to me.

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