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Posts Tagged ‘numb’

Blue

“So if you’re feelin’ lonely, don’t. You’re the only one I ever want.”

I just saw Bryan Adams tonight in concert. So give me a break on that line coming out.  🙂

But I guess it came out for a reason. My boyfriend is anxious, sleep deprived, numb, living with his parents temporarily, traveling often. lol. wow- I knew it sounded bad, but to see it written out is bad.

You see, I’m not the one who is lonely. I feel for him. I’m pretty sure he is depressed.

I became F’s girlfriend on Nov 1. We were SO happy. The night he asked me to be his girlfriend (I know, I didn’t know guys did that anymore either) it seriously felt like a dream, like I was on cloud 15. The dates before were increasingly awesome as well.

Right after the date when he asked me to be his girlfriend, he began to act different. He was quieter on the next date. I told him that and he chalked it up to being more comfortable and not feeling like he has to keep a conversation going like before. okay. kinda believable.

It’s been going downhill since in that department. And it’s him. He complains that he is anxious because of the short sale he is in the middle of settling on. Saving up money for closing costs. The traveling he is doing (gone this weekend to AC for a bachelor party and then Portugal for a month in December.) Sigh. The date before last he told me he has been so anxious for the entire week and has had trouble sleeping. This week he kept complaining was “off.” Tonight after a Bryan Adams concert he told me he felt numb. I asked, “What do you mean?” (though I was pretty sure) And he said he meant inside. He didn’t come inside my place tonight. He said he was very tired and just wanted to go home and go to bed. He had been yawning the whole night. He knew that “my friend,” as he puts it, was this week so he could be shallow and not come in because of that combined with how exhausted he was, but either way, downhill… increasingly and methodically.

Guys mask depression so well. He really swept me off my feet. That must have been exhausting. The very next date— letting go a bit because he had me secured as his girlfriend.

This isn’t a bad guy. It’s a guy who is depressed and anxious. One that doesn’t know better yet about combining this with dating.

Depression is so simply, sad. I wish people didn’t suffer from this illness. It’s tough to break out of. And then often you return. I think F may have been struggling for a long time before me.

I remember one of the best dates, the fourth date, F held my hand as we were walking out of a restaurant after a really good conversation in which he told me he liked me and other important, intimate things. I could have swore I saw a tear in the corner of his eye. It wasn’t cold out or anything. I thought it may have been because he was really happy. Later, at a cool bar that he likes a lot, he told me more about his best friend that he lost in a motorcycle accident. He had mentioned it before. He told me it’s been two years and it still feels like it’s yesterday. This time he did tear up and I held his hand.

When I think back on that knowing what I know now… it makes a lot more sense. People cry a lot when they are depressed.

I hate this for him. I mean sure, I will miss him, I don’t want to have to leave. But I care about F and I hate this for him. If I could take it away I would.

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