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Posts Tagged ‘love’

Cloud 9 in the middle of nonsense. Didn’t know that was possible, but I am happy to be here!

I never knew of this much happiness. Literally, my brain must have expanded it’s capacity of neurons to allow for it. I love him with all my heart, my body, and soul. I honestly have felt like I am in a dream these last 10 months! It has gone by so fast.

Safe. Peace. Comfort. Appreciation. Maturity. and most of all Love. I am loved and I love him. I can’t spell it any more clearly and too bad emoticons can only describe and not let you feel the feelings I have!

There are other things in my life happening that are in no way serious, but they haven’t felt great. They aren’t fair things. But they have happened and exist. Forgive me for being so vague, but the timing of thisĀ post and it’s publicness would produce a disaster if anyone that was involved found out so that’s all I can really say. But just like in anyone’s life, there are minor discomforts or events that come up that aren’t pleasant and do pass on but take you by surprise when they happen. That has happened a lot lately. But yet, as this post indicates… I am on cloud 9 and it seems nothing can touch that cloud way up there!! šŸ™‚

I am extremely grateful for my life and all I have in it. I am surprised at being so HAPPY. I am not the author of my life though I do have free will, which I am so eager to have. Therefore, I exclaim gratefulness for my awesome journey and enjoy each moment while it lasts!

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you massage my heart with the thoughts you play
in your mind for me each day
the words that come are like water drops in a cave
quenching and resonating in my heart in such a way
that the memory of the sound never fades
its perfection, its daft perfection remains

and i really can’t explain how it ended up this way
were you created to provide this love to me today?
were your thoughts, your words made to massage my heart this way?
my spirit, my soul… something senses that this may be true.. and that I may
that I may be the person that does the same
For you…

Though I can barely fathom I could give love in that way
Because what you give me is more precious than I’ve been able to say
More faith provoking than I have been able to believe
and more solid than I have been able to grasp, until these days.
These days when I’ve found it more easy to live than ever before
Almost unnoticeable is the comfort that being with you affords
Life is just real and better with you than before

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Physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.

It may be an enigma for me.

I wish that it was not so rare. But then how special would it be? Things that great should be far and few between.

I hope that I find a gift of a partner like this. If I don’t, I’ll be happy with myself. I’ve learned how to live the single life now and be honestly happy. There are moments when you are in a relationship and you wish you were single, sometimes more than just moments. And there are sometimes when you are single that you wish you were in a relationship. Life isn’t about what you don’t have-it’s about what you do. Gratefulness.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve chosen wrong people to be with, even when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was wrong. I’ve made passionate love that was better than I could imagine. I’ve not had a good, honest man, that I’ve made passionate love to that was better than I could have dreamt.

I won’t settle for less than physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry. Ā It’s what I deserve if I commit to anyone. It is rare. It is good that it is rare. I’ve learned that I can be happy single and I’ve learned settling isĀ horribleĀ for the human heart.

I will live my life out loud, with joy. That’s what I’ll do. That’s my plan. If there is a partner for me out there, I know that I’ll be open and happy enough for him to find his place next to me.

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It’s been 31 days, an entire month, since the breakup. I am doing and feeling alright andĀ much better than expected.

It’s fueled, I’m sure, because of logic and practicality. Oh, if I want to be totally pragmatic about it. I don’t. To be honest, It has more to do with learning how to love myself. Like… really. If you practice self love, you know, and if you don’t, you don’t.

It wasn’t because of my infinite wisdom that I started. It was because of me wanting to help myself and researching enough about how to make it through this time as best I could and to benefit from it some how. It all comes down to love. I saw this stated in trite ways, in psychological ways, in silly ways, and in peculiar ways– but I always saw it. And one way that I thought was poignant was to actually tell myself that I love myself. So yah, as odd as that sounds, I do; I tell myself that I love myself while looking in the mirror everyday. It’s even expounded to “I will always have your back, Julie. I have your best interests in mind. You can trust me whole heartedly.”

There is something about looking yourself in the eyes and saying that to your own self. Most of the time we are getting ready or critiquing ourselves in the mirror and don’t make much eye contact. When you do, it’s kind of inescapable that there is a soul inside the body that you primp each day. You see you.

I think I have been doing this for about a week and a half now, but I’m not sure when I started. I do know that I am different because of it and the reason I feel as well as I do is all because of this love. I’ve noticed a change particularly in what I allow in my mind. I don’t really want to watch horror or creepy movies. I’ve noticed I don’t feel at peace when I do and have recognized that anxiety as the one where I’m contradicting loving myself… yes, like I felt a lot of times in that relationship. It’s been surprising to see the effects of saying I love you to myself. I am believing it. I have more peace than I bargained for. I enjoy spending time with myself (really, this soon after a breakup?) It’s REALLY surprising what love can do.

Maybe this should be taught in elementary school. Maybe if it was taught that young, it would stay with us throughout the years and we would be so much better off as adults than learning what I’m about to say in our 20’s, 30’s, or even later.

We must love ourselves first. No one is going to love us more than we love ourselves. It’s only through our love for ourselves that will we surround ourselves with people that love themselves and therefore can love us. Love attracts love and the rest will fall away. It is also through our self love that we see what we can give others in love. If we can’t love ourselves, we don’t have love to give other people.

And perhaps… this is right on time for me. I can’t complain much about timing and even after all I’ve been through, my life has been good. I will turn 32 in a little over a month and… I’ve become excited about that. Because it’s me… and I’m really loving myself and everything I’ve been created to be.

I am grateful for love.

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