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Posts Tagged ‘happy’

It’s August! As typically as life delivers in unpredictability, so have the last few months been a rapid pace of growth and surprises. I’m over the emotional abuser if you read my past posts. There is a soft spot in my heart for the times he was just a good, sweet man, but in the big picture of things… he was an abuser that could not help himself. It’s been almost 6 months now since we broke up. 5 months were I have lived on my own. I can tell that this breakup was the easiest because of experience and the heartache being mostly in the relationship, but I can also tell it took time to get over in a different way because we lived together and were together for a little over 3 years. It’s all done and I’m over him now. I would not want to be with him or try again. There is a soft spot only because I know his heart even though he is abusive. I cut off all contact with him, however, because that is what you do when you know your worth.

I’ve actually dated since the week after we broke up. Many experiences, some funny and some gross. Some normal and just not for me. I knew I would start getting serious after my surgery and recovery. So I signed up for eHarmony and Catholic Match recently.

It would really take a special man for me to give up the single life. I definitely know I don’t need one and I really like all the time I have to myself to do whatever the hell I want. 🙂  In other words, he will have to be a “mighty, mighty good man” and be the icing to my cake. Any relationship in my life would have to enhance my life. I’m proud of this!

 

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Cloud 9 in the middle of nonsense. Didn’t know that was possible, but I am happy to be here!

I never knew of this much happiness. Literally, my brain must have expanded it’s capacity of neurons to allow for it. I love him with all my heart, my body, and soul. I honestly have felt like I am in a dream these last 10 months! It has gone by so fast.

Safe. Peace. Comfort. Appreciation. Maturity. and most of all Love. I am loved and I love him. I can’t spell it any more clearly and too bad emoticons can only describe and not let you feel the feelings I have!

There are other things in my life happening that are in no way serious, but they haven’t felt great. They aren’t fair things. But they have happened and exist. Forgive me for being so vague, but the timing of this post and it’s publicness would produce a disaster if anyone that was involved found out so that’s all I can really say. But just like in anyone’s life, there are minor discomforts or events that come up that aren’t pleasant and do pass on but take you by surprise when they happen. That has happened a lot lately. But yet, as this post indicates… I am on cloud 9 and it seems nothing can touch that cloud way up there!! 🙂

I am extremely grateful for my life and all I have in it. I am surprised at being so HAPPY. I am not the author of my life though I do have free will, which I am so eager to have. Therefore, I exclaim gratefulness for my awesome journey and enjoy each moment while it lasts!

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I’d like to think this is a good use of my time writing on my blog. Actually, I know it is because it is re-centering me right now.

Sister’s Wedding. 

Music for my Sister’s Wedding

Maid of Honor

Did I get the job??

He asked me to move in with him 

And I looked at that just now and noticed something… those are all GOOD GOOD things!

I am stressed though. Unfortunately. And I think now that I am processing it, it is because of my sister and my mother’s communication/behavior. My mom is being controlling and apparently wants me to stay with her the entire time. My sister is not communicating about me possibly staying with the the entire time instead (so I can avoid the control freakishness and have the most peace as possible leading up to the wedding.) Worse case scenario: both of those women are not an option to stay with because my sister doesn’t want me there and I can’t stay with a mother who has outbursts. What will I do then? Rent a hotel room and take a cab ride. Problem solved.

So let me look at that list again. Wow. Those are all awesome things!! I had an interview that went really well at a place I would LOVE to work, my wonderful boyfriend asked me to move in with him, and my sister’s wedding (and it’s almost done!)

I won’t let the bad outweigh the good anymore now that I am literally SEEING this for what it is!  🙂  This was absolutely worth every minute of my time because it has put things into perspective and now I am HAPPY!

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“Are you my girlfriend?”

“I’d love to be your girlfriend.”

“You’re my girlfriend.”

“Yay! That makes me really happy.”

“That makes me happy, too.”

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Woah

Can’t calm down. Really awesome date. Dazed. Whirlwind. Don’t know how I’ll sleep…

Ok. I don’t feel like typing because I am happy and in a daze. But I HAVE to record this.

I joined POF as a joke. I was curious what it was like because people talk so poorly of it, but also because it’s where my sister met her fiance and, honestly, it’s free so why not see what it’s like? I knew I could always delete my profile if I needed to.

There was this guy that really stuck out to me. I don’t message guys much, but sometimes I push myself to. This guy just stuck out to me so much that I didn’t really have to push myself at all. First, he looked and talked southern. Second, his values were like dead on what I’d love to hear any man say. Third, I could tell by the activities in his photos that we probably had a lot in common.

So we messaged on POF for a while. It felt really comfortable… I didn’t push anything. He knew when to ask me more questions, when to give me his number, and when to ask me out. He just got it. And maybe people don’t understand how good that is… but when a man perceives & acts on things well in the beginning, it’s a really good sign he will continue this throughout the relationship.

So we went out today! We went to Rutgers Gardens and walked around for a really long time. Maybe an hour and a half? I don’t really know. But we walked and talked the whole time. I really enjoyed being with him. I felt like being myself freely was enjoyed by him. (I’m not ever not myself, but maybe a little more inhibited at first.)

Even as I’m writing this… I have to take breaks. I keep thinking about it all… and that’s what I really want to do.

So after walking around for a while we went out to dinner. Before that, as we were deciding where to go, I find out he is a foodie. ding, ding. lol Anyway, I could go on about details. So he follows me to Highland Park. We eat at Tete, a Peruvian restaurant. There we find out even more we have in common. Mostly through things like him saying “I really LOVE potatoes. Like really, really love them.” “I hate squash, zucchini, and olives.” These things were so distinct and specific I was thinking something along the lines of “What the hell is this?!?” lol  Dinner went great and we talked again for a couple of hours.

For me, it was just him. The way he carries himself, his confidence, his leadership qualities, the way he talks. He is sexy. He is rough around the edges which I like. He’s the first one I’ve dated like this, but it fits me well. But like I said, it’s really him that I like and that overpowers the physical whether I like it or not.

I had to laugh (in my head) because he touched the small of my back to guide/protect me when a car was coming. I loved it. But even on wordpress, there are girls who talk about a man who touches the small of their back as a swoonworthy thing. Now I am here to say— YOU ARE RIGHT. In fact, J did this many times throughout the date all in appropriate ways and times. It was very swoonworthy— I LOVED it. He definitely has that protective, gentlemanly factor going on.

So after dinner we walked back to our cars. I was comfortable with him. It occurred to me about how this can and might be awkward for sure… but I wasn’t too worried about it because I again, just felt comfy being with him. So he walks me over to my car as we are finishing up a conversation about something. He tells me he’s had a really good time which he has said a few times throughout the date by now. I tell him I did too, very genuinely. He says “I’m going to try something different here…” and he comes in to kiss me. He was so confident and not pushy at all! I was so… impressed. I liked his lips. I was trying my best to kiss him well even though I was surprised at what was happening lol. And then he said, “I don’t usually kiss girls on the first date.” (who knows) He asked if he was really going to see me again and I said “Yes” and he said, “ok when?” Haha. It was sweet. He kissed me again after a little more talk. And then again once more when we actually said goodbye. I loved the way he did the whole kiss thing. He was such a confident, gentleman about it all.

Wow.

I just didn’t expect to encounter this at all today. I am blown away by how much we have in common (didn’t even put a quarter of it on this blog post), how much we enjoyed each others company, and how good of a guy this man seems to be. What an awesome day!

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Yesterday was, up until around the hour of the breakup, 6 weeks. And guess what I was doing last night? Playing my first gig with my first “real” band.  🙂

I am completely comfortable being alone and enjoy my company. I am very surprised at this. Isn’t this supposed to take longer? Is it because I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse and so that makes this seem like baby cakes? That’s my best guess. No matter what you would choose… when you go through very trying times in life it shapes you into a different person capable of different processing, strength, and resilience.. really for better or worse.

I am grateful. Maybe people that really know me and my thoughts might get tired of hearing how grateful I am about things, but I have so many things I’m grateful for. And I’ve noticed gratitude really must be tied to resilience level.

I am not concerned about finding a life partner. The exact feeling and thoughts in my brain are something along the lines of “I’m happy being with me and I don’t really have any worry one way or the other about if I end up settling down with someone or even having kids.” I can only imagine this is because I have really started to love myself. I take care of myself and think about taking care of me in the future, not about having to find someone else.

This is a new life for me. But I can feel it is with the same ol’ me. I just love myself and really get it now.

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