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Posts Tagged ‘dating’

Cloud 9 in the middle of nonsense. Didn’t know that was possible, but I am happy to be here!

I never knew of this much happiness. Literally, my brain must have expanded it’s capacity of neurons to allow for it. I love him with all my heart, my body, and soul. I honestly have felt like I am in a dream these last 10 months! It has gone by so fast.

Safe. Peace. Comfort. Appreciation. Maturity. and most of all Love. I am loved and I love him. I can’t spell it any more clearly and too bad emoticons can only describe and not let you feel the feelings I have!

There are other things in my life happening that are in no way serious, but they haven’t felt great. They aren’t fair things. But they have happened and exist. Forgive me for being so vague, but the timing of thisĀ post and it’s publicness would produce a disaster if anyone that was involved found out so that’s all I can really say. But just like in anyone’s life, there are minor discomforts or events that come up that aren’t pleasant and do pass on but take you by surprise when they happen. That has happened a lot lately. But yet, as this post indicates… I am on cloud 9 and it seems nothing can touch that cloud way up there!! šŸ™‚

I am extremely grateful for my life and all I have in it. I am surprised at being so HAPPY. I am not the author of my life though I do have free will, which I am so eager to have. Therefore, I exclaim gratefulness for my awesome journey and enjoy each moment while it lasts!

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I trust actions over words.

But then there are times when the actions need the words to explain and that is something I’m not used to. When actions come slowerĀ than normal is that the end all be all or does an explanation make it okay? Like if fear stops someone from being affectionate. Stops someone from making the first move a lot of the time.

Or should the slow moves be the only thing I look at? Do they speak for themselves?

I am not used to slow movers. I am not used to people who are afraid of expressing their emotions a good portion of the time through touch and words. What should I make of that?

My instincts told me to “wait” in the beginning… when it was so damn obvious this was completely different from what I have experienced. So what do my instincts tell me now?

They tell me he has trouble expressing his emotions. He is scared of them and scared of being vulnerable. That this will take a while. That’s what my gut says.

My gut also says that heĀ isĀ affectionate because he has been. I’ve noticed the times he is not and it’s when he is stressed out. It’s especially noticeable with work. If he isn’t intimate with me, for most of the time it’s when he is tired. I see that he has become more comfortable and more open about touching me etc since the beginning… less than 6 months ago. He is just slow moving in his progress.

Am I okay with this?

To an extent. I will not be comfortable making the first move all the time… so I won’t. I won’t be comfortable with him not knowing that affection means a lot to me and it’s how I bond. So I’ll reiterate it. I have said that touch was something that helped me experience, but I didn’t say what it meant to me. That’s my responsibility to make it clear.

One thing that has existed from the beginning is that I always feel safe with him. It’s a comfort and it’s underrated. Safe meaning a knowing that his motivations are pure… and to an extent understanding them without words. He is my dual by socionics terms. I wasn’t surprised to find that out a few months into the relationship; that describes how I feel about him and how he has described how he feelsĀ about me and from being with me from the get go.

So I’ll stick with this. It’s more than worth it. I like him a lot and even through the difficulty of him expressing his emotions and feeling it hard to be vulnerable. I’ll learn to communicate my needs more with him and not bottle things up inside; this is an unfortunate weakness of mine. So we’ll sharpen each other like swords.

I’m lucky to have this man. Peace is found in this relationship. Safety. Attraction. Joy. Sharing the love of people. Respect. Admiration.

Sometimes, I just have to process things to see them in their real context.

 

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you massage my heart with the thoughts you play
in your mind for me each day
the words that come are like water drops in a cave
quenching and resonating in my heart in such a way
that the memory of the sound never fades
its perfection, its daft perfection remains

and i really can’t explain how it ended up this way
were you created to provide this love to me today?
were your thoughts, your words made to massage my heart this way?
my spirit, my soul… something senses that this may be true.. and that I may
that I may be the person that does the same
For you…

Though I can barely fathom I could give love in that way
Because what you give me is more precious than I’ve been able to say
More faith provoking than I have been able to believe
and more solid than I have been able to grasp, until these days.
These days when I’ve found it more easy to live than ever before
Almost unnoticeable is the comfort that being with you affords
Life is just real and better with you than before

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Have you ever had one of those? I think this was my first. And I’ll never forget it. I sobbed to God for how grateful I am to have been given a good man. A good down to the soul, just-as-good-as-I-am man. A rock. I have never in my life experienced this before. The sweetest, purest man I have ever had the pleasure of kissing, of holding, and being held by.

My God, thank you! It is beauty. I recognize this man because this is what I am. Could this really be happening to me?

If you knew what I have experienced by the two men I loved most in my life, I guess objectively I was the woman who became so strong (not bitter) that I just learned to live life without thinking something like this would come along.

I am sobbing friends, grateful sobs. I never knew I would experience this. Here it is.

God, you must have seen me. You must have known me. You must have created me to know me, to love me, to give me what I need, and what you knew I would love. Thank you beyond what I can express except through grateful sobs tonight.

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“Are you my girlfriend?”

“I’d love to be your girlfriend.”

“You’re my girlfriend.”

“Yay! That makes me really happy.”

“That makes me happy, too.”

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I am going out with him tonight. This will be our fifth date. I’m excited!

I have totally confused the hell out of myself this week. Sometimes I wonder if I block things that are good-I really hope not. Being in the mental health field, I definitely have learned that is possible.

I know that when we met up last time, I did have moments where I just wanted the date to be over. It wasn’t because I didn’t like him… it was more because I had this uncomfortable-ness. Defining that is hard… I just know that since things between us move slow, it makes it harder for me to sit and be comfortable with him. Does that mean I’m being seen and heard? I remember when I saw the psych for couples counseling with my awful exbf this summer, I felt seen and heard and I told my exbf that. I said that maybe I would want to do individual counseling with the psych (for the breakup), but I was scared. My exbf asked me why I was scared and I said because he really listens to me and sees me and I’ve never had a man do that with me before.

Oh god. I may have issues. The kind of issues where you don’t really realize them consciously. But I kind of just broke that barrier in a way…

So I’ll pay attention tonight to how I feel and why. Pay attention to what’s going on in the moment and how I feel about it.

As far as physical attraction, I’m still not completely sure and I think reading what I wrote above explains a little of why I can’t categorize whether I am or am not. He’s not the absolute usual type I would go for, but I can tell instinct wise that is not the important factor here.

He is a bit shy. We have made out three times and each time he asked me if he could kiss me and then sat there for a second or two seemingly waiting for me to kiss him before he did. Tonight, I will very gently tell him he does not have to ask if he wants to kiss me. It’s a turn off in a way, but at the same time I appreciate that he is respectful. Like I said, I’m so used to other things.

Why am I excited? This is why I’m confused. I feel like there is a deeper part of myself I haven’t really noticed before coming to the light. Last time we were together I wrote that previous post. I thought he probably would not be asking me out again. Honestly, I’m almost starting to see a rejected little girl pushing away goodness so she doesn’t get pushed away first. A girl that is uncomfortable with being in company that sees and hears her, that is appropriate with good boundaries.

I didn’t think he would ask me out again. I thought for sure he could pick up on all those feelings from the last date and wouldn’t want to be around it. But here he is texting me this morning asking me how excited I am for tonight on a scale of 1-10 and then telling me he’s a ten!

I do think that I can’t deny that my first instinct about this with him from the very beginning is probably right. This could be a really really good thing if I just WAIT. If I can just stick it out. Something about me even then knew this would be hard for me. It knew I would be squirming a bit. I also knew it was like a girl and boy next door type of thing and it has been ever since then. It’s been slow and NORMAL.

God, I pray for your guidance and your patience inside of me tonight. I deserve a really good thing and I think this might be one you had in mind for me to experience. Please help me to follow through.

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Physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.

It may be an enigma for me.

I wish that it was not so rare. But then how special would it be? Things that great should be far and few between.

I hope that I find a gift of a partner like this. If I don’t, I’ll be happy with myself. I’ve learned how to live the single life now and be honestly happy. There are moments when you are in a relationship and you wish you were single, sometimes more than just moments. And there are sometimes when you are single that you wish you were in a relationship. Life isn’t about what you don’t have-it’s about what you do. Gratefulness.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve chosen wrong people to be with, even when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was wrong. I’ve made passionate love that was better than I could imagine. I’ve not had a good, honest man, that I’ve made passionate love to that was better than I could have dreamt.

I won’t settle for less than physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry. Ā It’s what I deserve if I commit to anyone. It is rare. It is good that it is rare. I’ve learned that I can be happy single and I’ve learned settling isĀ horribleĀ for the human heart.

I will live my life out loud, with joy. That’s what I’ll do. That’s my plan. If there is a partner for me out there, I know that I’ll be open and happy enough for him to find his place next to me.

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