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Posts Tagged ‘Breakup’

It’s funny how you can’t keep track of things in your own relationship when there is chaos. I read my prior blog post of February 2016. I knew then apparently that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you asked me a month ago, I would have said I didn’t really understand at that time though I had a thought I was. Now I read that I did get it. I still don’t think I fully believed it then, however.

Flash forward to February 2017. He broke up with me in Hawaii. On a vacation that was supposed to be our honeymoon, but turned vacation because he called off the wedding in November 2016. Then soon after, we became girlfriend and boyfriend rather than fiancés.

The pain I endured staying with him from that blog post of February 2016 to the breakup of February 2017 was insurmountable. It was the most emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. If you are reading this and are in an emotionally abusive relationship, leave. Don’t stay. There are always ways to get taken care of by family or friends or resources. Now I’m sitting here working through the fact that I stayed. Sure, I think it was a lesson I had to experience to really understand. But if it helps you to hear it from someone who has been there, a minute more of abuse is a minute less of a happy life. It’s a minute more you have to get over it. Don’t put up with it. Separate or leave. They will treat you how you accept. You are a beautiful human being worthy of respect. I’m sure you didn’t react to abuse and unkindness in a healthy way while it was happening but you are not the perpetrator… you are a victim trying to survive.

Now I sit knowing that I will survive. I wish I didn’t have to feel the pain of regret and now trying to add that with knowing I did the best I could. It’s confusing. Because even if I had cancer and depended on him at the time, it was never worth staying with that treatment. Even if his brother jumped out of a window, it doesn’t give him license to treat me that way. Even if he is struggling in his new job and doesn’t handle the stress well, it doesn’t mean he can take it out on me and then start blaming me for everything. There will never be another excuse that will work to allow emotional abuse or any type of abuse to continue in my life again! Every human being deserves respect and love and apologies when needed.

I forgive you, Julie, for staying. You did not realize the severity and had a hard time believing this is who he really was. That is the cycle of abuse. You are out and that is what is important. You will never go back. You pulled away emotionally when you really, really began to see it for what it was in January 2017. You had thoughts and knew you would leave one day. Thank god it happened sooner than later. You are smart, you are loveable, and you are wise. You will always have your own back and you will never accept less than you deserve in the future. Everyone goes through lessons in life and this was one of yours. It’s okay. It’s alright. You are forgiven and you will heal.

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Today is Thursday. Last Wednesday I broke up with a boyfriend. Thursday, Thanksgiving I wasn’t sure if I had somewhere where to go until around noon. And Friday, my ex-boyfriend who broke my heart before the last one I had called me after 4 months of no contact.

I’ve been hard on myself wondering why the past few days I’ve been more irritable, haven’t cleaned my house, found it harder to exercise. Seriously? Give myself a break.

The breakup wasn’t a big deal at all because we weren’t emotionally close… but it does mean I’m adjusting to not having anyone again. Not knowing where I would be on Thanksgiving and possibly being really alone for the first time on a Holiday was scary. And that phone call from my ex who I broke up with this summer, the one that really played with my heart, was jarring to say the least. It’s still jarring me. It’s made me think about him everyday since and I stopped thinking about him a long time ago. It’s made me miss him and then I feel stupid for missing someone that immature and that treated me so poorly!

I’ve even been tempted to call or text him. LOL. And I beat. myself. up.  You foolish girl.

The sex was great, our demeanors were great together, our playfulness great, there was a lot that was great.

There was even more that was horribly hurtful and sick.

Nothing is ever black and white. As much as I wanted to think it would be a logical moving on… because he was a jerk and I then became unattracted to that… it is not that at all. I miss what we had right now. Then–poof–I realize there was another woman ever present… his mother. Even if he ever does move out… still attached inappropriately. Not to mention this is the man who convinced his whole doctoral class who are school psychologists that I have a disorder (that the couples counseling psychologist said I did not have, but said he essentially does have to a degree)! What kind of high skill manipulation does that take?! They never even met me and these are educated folks!

sigh. The call jolted me. I sat and stared at the phone the whole time it rang.

my god. I have been beating myself up. Because of jerks!

STOP.

It’s ok to let your house go to shit when you experience a breakup small or big, Thanksgiving is up in the air, and a really bad exbf calls out of the blue! IT’S OK! You just haven’t been through this before. It’s OK to be irritable inside, to feel a little down, to find it hard not to get as many texts.

You don’t have to be so strong as to not notice when hard things come up that it’s OK to go through them. Feel them. Connect the feelings to the actual hard things you went through?!?!

That’s why you have been feeling down. For only a few freakin’ days even! Mystery solved. You are normal.

I’m so glad I just talked to myself on the internet. Therapy is free here.

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Two posts in one day. Sigh. I take care of myself well- this blog is one of my outlets.

I stopped dating F today. He texted me out of the blue. I’m surprised that he had the balls to keep texting me:

F: Hey u, how is ur day going? Hope you’ve been having a great day 🙂

J: Hey. I hope you have been having a great day too. I’m sorry to tell you this, but we can no longer date, F. I hope that you do reach all the goals and dreams you shared w me & wish you the best. Have a good Thanksgiving

F: Bummer, sorry to hear that but I get where it’s coming from. Really hope you don’t feel like I’ve wasted your time, wasn’t my intention at all…really wished it would have worked out but overall it’s just been terrible timing. Anyway best wishes for you and Happy Thanksgiving… I really enjoyed getting to know you.

It’s just been terrible timing. That will be his mantra. And did I mention we talked about 2.5 years ago and he just dropped off communication then? Then he tried to pick it back up, but I ignored it. Likely, it will always be “terrible timing” for F. Look, I know guys can be doofuses innocently. This guy I think wanted to be a good guy but copped out a lot at the end of the day. I know this by the stories he told me and the decisions he has made. “Terrible timing” also doesn’t make you not figure out Thanksgiving plans till the last minute after inviting you over, blame your parents, not make new plans, and not even apologize.

There are a ton of reasons why this wasn’t a good match for me, but ultimately, this is dating. It is what it is. If I happen to find a great match one day, it will be because the “not good matches” aren’t in my life. That’s just the way it is. I thought about being friends with him because there is very little emotional attachment and it could work, but his character turns me off. I don’t want to call someone like that a friend- they aren’t dependable.

On a different note, I noticed that I was also talking to my two best friends at the time who both reached out to me. They didn’t know that I was in the middle of breaking up with F and I still haven’t told them yet. It was just comforting to have them both be talking to me at the same time and while I went through with this. It was like a dose of reality to encourage me to get it over with. I don’t like hurting people so telling people “we can’t date anymore” is something I really never like doing.

One of those best friends is who I made backup plans with to go over her inlaws house to celebrate Thanksgiving. I’ve known the family for like 3.5 years now. But she is pregnant and is having horrible morning sickness today. She may not be able to make it tomorrow. I may be able to go see her at her house even though her husband and daughter are going still, but it depends how she feels. So I actually may be alone on Thanksgiving for the first time ever. I am scared. What I want to point out though, is that my friend apologized not once, but twice about possibly changing plans on me. That’s what real friends, decent human beings do, unlike F. It was nice to have that ironically happen today just to drive that whole point home.

Life always goes on. I will always get stronger. I know how to take care of myself. I am a lucky woman.

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And, ironically, what I realized today is…I forgot to keep track of how long it’s been since we broke up. I stopped counting the days many days ago.

This is very good, indeed.  🙂

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Yesterday was, up until around the hour of the breakup, 6 weeks. And guess what I was doing last night? Playing my first gig with my first “real” band.  🙂

I am completely comfortable being alone and enjoy my company. I am very surprised at this. Isn’t this supposed to take longer? Is it because I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse and so that makes this seem like baby cakes? That’s my best guess. No matter what you would choose… when you go through very trying times in life it shapes you into a different person capable of different processing, strength, and resilience.. really for better or worse.

I am grateful. Maybe people that really know me and my thoughts might get tired of hearing how grateful I am about things, but I have so many things I’m grateful for. And I’ve noticed gratitude really must be tied to resilience level.

I am not concerned about finding a life partner. The exact feeling and thoughts in my brain are something along the lines of “I’m happy being with me and I don’t really have any worry one way or the other about if I end up settling down with someone or even having kids.” I can only imagine this is because I have really started to love myself. I take care of myself and think about taking care of me in the future, not about having to find someone else.

This is a new life for me. But I can feel it is with the same ol’ me. I just love myself and really get it now.

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It’s been 31 days, an entire month, since the breakup. I am doing and feeling alright and much better than expected.

It’s fueled, I’m sure, because of logic and practicality. Oh, if I want to be totally pragmatic about it. I don’t. To be honest, It has more to do with learning how to love myself. Like… really. If you practice self love, you know, and if you don’t, you don’t.

It wasn’t because of my infinite wisdom that I started. It was because of me wanting to help myself and researching enough about how to make it through this time as best I could and to benefit from it some how. It all comes down to love. I saw this stated in trite ways, in psychological ways, in silly ways, and in peculiar ways– but I always saw it. And one way that I thought was poignant was to actually tell myself that I love myself. So yah, as odd as that sounds, I do; I tell myself that I love myself while looking in the mirror everyday. It’s even expounded to “I will always have your back, Julie. I have your best interests in mind. You can trust me whole heartedly.”

There is something about looking yourself in the eyes and saying that to your own self. Most of the time we are getting ready or critiquing ourselves in the mirror and don’t make much eye contact. When you do, it’s kind of inescapable that there is a soul inside the body that you primp each day. You see you.

I think I have been doing this for about a week and a half now, but I’m not sure when I started. I do know that I am different because of it and the reason I feel as well as I do is all because of this love. I’ve noticed a change particularly in what I allow in my mind. I don’t really want to watch horror or creepy movies. I’ve noticed I don’t feel at peace when I do and have recognized that anxiety as the one where I’m contradicting loving myself… yes, like I felt a lot of times in that relationship. It’s been surprising to see the effects of saying I love you to myself. I am believing it. I have more peace than I bargained for. I enjoy spending time with myself (really, this soon after a breakup?) It’s REALLY surprising what love can do.

Maybe this should be taught in elementary school. Maybe if it was taught that young, it would stay with us throughout the years and we would be so much better off as adults than learning what I’m about to say in our 20’s, 30’s, or even later.

We must love ourselves first. No one is going to love us more than we love ourselves. It’s only through our love for ourselves that will we surround ourselves with people that love themselves and therefore can love us. Love attracts love and the rest will fall away. It is also through our self love that we see what we can give others in love. If we can’t love ourselves, we don’t have love to give other people.

And perhaps… this is right on time for me. I can’t complain much about timing and even after all I’ve been through, my life has been good. I will turn 32 in a little over a month and… I’ve become excited about that. Because it’s me… and I’m really loving myself and everything I’ve been created to be.

I am grateful for love.

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This pain is scary and I want it to go away. It sneaks up like a snake and it slithers around slowly in my brain for a period of time before I make a sudden exit or the snake gets distracted and leaves.

Why does it have to be there when he was such a fucking jerk? I know he didn’t do his most grievous fault of indecision about us out of maliciousness. But why should I have to suffer anymore? Come on. If there are areas in life where it should be easy heartache should be one, right?

I’m so scared subconsciously that I’m going to waste an inordinate amount of time grieving over the loss of this relationship. (could it even be called that?) My friend told me the exact opposite- that because of the situation that he believes that it won’t take an inordinate amount of time before my emotions give way to logic and I’ll be through this. When my friend saw me the other day, he said “in a few more weeks.” God, I hope that’s true. There’s no way that can happen? (no)

I WILL NOT ACCEPT ASSHOLES ANYMORE. I WILL TRUST MYSELF AND EVERY RED FLAG I SEE.

It is not worth it to go through this for men that are not worth it.

I hope one day I can look back at this time with wisdom and a smile of strength and peace because it all worked out okay. I hope.

I want to be with a life partner and I think I want to have kids. I will be 32 years old next month. God help me. Just help me be happy. Give me what I need and what is right above what I think I want.

I’m scared and I hate these moments of pain. Help me sit with it and survive through it. Help me not to settle for ways of rushing through healing.

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