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Posts Tagged ‘beating myself up’

Today is Thursday. Last Wednesday I broke up with a boyfriend. Thursday, Thanksgiving I wasn’t sure if I had somewhere where to go until around noon. And Friday, my ex-boyfriend who broke my heart before the last one I had called me after 4 months of no contact.

I’ve been hard on myself wondering why the past few days I’ve been more irritable, haven’t cleaned my house, found it harder to exercise. Seriously? Give myself a break.

The breakup wasn’t a big deal at all because we weren’t emotionally close… but it does mean I’m adjusting to not having anyone again. Not knowing where I would be on Thanksgiving and possibly being really alone for the first time on a Holiday was scary. And that phone call from my ex who I broke up with this summer, the one that really played with my heart, was jarring to say the least. It’s still jarring me. It’s made me think about him everyday since and I stopped thinking about him a long time ago. It’s made me miss him and then I feel stupid for missing someone that immature and that treated me so poorly!

I’ve even been tempted to call or text him. LOL. And I beat. myself. up. ¬†You foolish girl.

The sex was great, our demeanors were great together, our playfulness great, there was a lot that was great.

There was even more that was horribly hurtful and sick.

Nothing is ever black and white. As much as I wanted to think it would be a logical moving on… because he was a jerk and I then became unattracted to that… it is not that at all. I miss what we had right now. Then–poof–I realize there was another woman ever present… his mother. Even if he ever does move out… still attached inappropriately. Not to mention this is the man who convinced his whole doctoral class who are school psychologists that I have a disorder (that the couples counseling psychologist said I did not have, but said he essentially does have to a degree)! What kind of high skill manipulation does that take?! They never even met me and these are educated folks!

sigh. The call jolted me. I sat and stared at the phone the whole time it rang.

my god. I have been beating myself up. Because of jerks!

STOP.

It’s ok to let your house go to shit when you experience a breakup small or big, Thanksgiving is up in the air, and a really bad exbf calls out of the blue! IT’S OK! You just haven’t been through this before. It’s OK to be irritable inside, to feel a little down, to find it hard not to get as many texts.

You don’t have to be so strong as to not notice when hard things come up that it’s OK to go through them. Feel them. Connect the feelings to the actual hard things you went through?!?!

That’s why you have been feeling down. For only a few freakin’ days even! Mystery solved. You are normal.

I’m so glad I just talked to myself on the internet. Therapy is free here.

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