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I want to be as greatly successful was Dr. Wayne Dyer. As Maya Angelo was. Not for the fame, not for the money, but because I trust myself. I know the wisdom that I have and the ways that I follow in the Spirit.

How do I even begin?

I guess I would just keep following in the Spirit. God knows the plans he has for me as trite as it sounds. So I’ll press into that.

Things that were awesome today:

My boyfriend gave me a key to his home. 🙂

I mentioned that I loved him for the first time after that. 🙂

I closed at the coffee house for the first time.

I get out of work before dinner time.

I did my squats for the day.

I took steps toward a long application procedure for becoming licensed in my other career degree.

I talked to my mom.

I like reminding myself of the awesome things in a single day so that I can see the big picture even when I’m stressed. Life is too short not to notice the best things. 🙂

if i had no limits… if i didn’t wait around for the what ifs… this is what i would do.

i would use my connections to find a good job anywhere. anywhere.

i wouldn’t wait around for a guy to propose to me. i wouldn’t waste my time trying to figure out if he wants to settle down someday. i would just go after my dreams.

i’m 32. i feel like i say that often. it’s an age where you have to decide things. where you don’t waste time. it doesn’t matter what your dreams are, but you have to act if you want them and remove barriers that block them.

the reality is, i have no limits. i have only one life. i can’t wait around for the what ifs… and that is about the only thing i really can’t do.

Just maybe things are not like all soft and fluffy even half the time.

I mean… maybe reality is reality 100% of the time and the fluffy, magical stuff sifts it’s way through life as incalculable moments. Not predictable, most often not premeditated, in gratefulness-producing ways… maybe that’s how the fluffy, magical stuff happens.

And maybe part of that reality is that you notice this more as you age. You see more reality and less magic because you are the one responsible for your life now…you set the stage for everything… and you are even able to produce life that will experience the magic often until they become of age.

The cool thing is, the older you get, the more the magical fluffy moments mean when they actually do happen. You become even more grateful for them with time.

Perhaps every self aware person with at least average intelligence and normal insight realizes at a certain point during their young adult years that expecting the fluffy, magical stuff to appear at a certain rate or in a certain time frame is setting yourself up for disappointment and a reality check.

I think that is probably, really true. And I think that for me, that night is tonight. I’m 32. I’ve been married before. I’ve lived some life yet. But I think this concept is becoming it’s full self in my brain tonight.

Maybe it really is about doing life, the daily ins and outs, taking enjoyment and meaning from that. When and if those fluffy, magical moments happen, and I think they do for most everyone if their heart is open, they mean so much and provide comfort and stir gratefulness in us.

And it isn’t simply because we are responsible for our lives and set the stage for “everything” that we don’t have as many magical moments as we did when we were younger. I believe it might be because as we mature, we are able to handle less. I believe also that the less that we have in this regard, the more gratefulness we have when those moments do come. When we have more gratefulness in our lives, we are more fulfilled and satisfied as human beings.

This is my theory. I’m still growing up. Tonight I learned just a bit more.

I trust actions over words.

But then there are times when the actions need the words to explain and that is something I’m not used to. When actions come slower than normal is that the end all be all or does an explanation make it okay? Like if fear stops someone from being affectionate. Stops someone from making the first move a lot of the time.

Or should the slow moves be the only thing I look at? Do they speak for themselves?

I am not used to slow movers. I am not used to people who are afraid of expressing their emotions a good portion of the time through touch and words. What should I make of that?

My instincts told me to “wait” in the beginning… when it was so damn obvious this was completely different from what I have experienced. So what do my instincts tell me now?

They tell me he has trouble expressing his emotions. He is scared of them and scared of being vulnerable. That this will take a while. That’s what my gut says.

My gut also says that he is affectionate because he has been. I’ve noticed the times he is not and it’s when he is stressed out. It’s especially noticeable with work. If he isn’t intimate with me, for most of the time it’s when he is tired. I see that he has become more comfortable and more open about touching me etc since the beginning… less than 6 months ago. He is just slow moving in his progress.

Am I okay with this?

To an extent. I will not be comfortable making the first move all the time… so I won’t. I won’t be comfortable with him not knowing that affection means a lot to me and it’s how I bond. So I’ll reiterate it. I have said that touch was something that helped me experience, but I didn’t say what it meant to me. That’s my responsibility to make it clear.

One thing that has existed from the beginning is that I always feel safe with him. It’s a comfort and it’s underrated. Safe meaning a knowing that his motivations are pure… and to an extent understanding them without words. He is my dual by socionics terms. I wasn’t surprised to find that out a few months into the relationship; that describes how I feel about him and how he has described how he feels about me and from being with me from the get go.

So I’ll stick with this. It’s more than worth it. I like him a lot and even through the difficulty of him expressing his emotions and feeling it hard to be vulnerable. I’ll learn to communicate my needs more with him and not bottle things up inside; this is an unfortunate weakness of mine. So we’ll sharpen each other like swords.

I’m lucky to have this man. Peace is found in this relationship. Safety. Attraction. Joy. Sharing the love of people. Respect. Admiration.

Sometimes, I just have to process things to see them in their real context.

 

You didn’t tell me

Why didn’t you mention the moments in between

The friends the laughter the nights of serene… bliss

That I’d cry myself to sleep

That I’d cry for the kids I see at work

The pain of not knowing why he is distant from me

The worrying about money that won’t stop and can’t be remedied soon

You didn’t tell me

You didn’t mention the hardships I’d face

The choice I didn’t make to exist and survive despite them wasn’t mine

Why?

Why am I here? Why do I have to be the one to cry?

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THEY WEREN’T GIVEN THE RIGHT?

It’s not that bad, now is it?

How would I know

I am here now and this is all I know.

you massage my heart with the thoughts you play
in your mind for me each day
the words that come are like water drops in a cave
quenching and resonating in my heart in such a way
that the memory of the sound never fades
its perfection, its daft perfection remains

and i really can’t explain how it ended up this way
were you created to provide this love to me today?
were your thoughts, your words made to massage my heart this way?
my spirit, my soul… something senses that this may be true.. and that I may
that I may be the person that does the same
For you…

Though I can barely fathom I could give love in that way
Because what you give me is more precious than I’ve been able to say
More faith provoking than I have been able to believe
and more solid than I have been able to grasp, until these days.
These days when I’ve found it more easy to live than ever before
Almost unnoticeable is the comfort that being with you affords
Life is just real and better with you than before

A grateful sob

Have you ever had one of those? I think this was my first. And I’ll never forget it. I sobbed to God for how grateful I am to have been given a good man. A good down to the soul, just-as-good-as-I-am man. A rock. I have never in my life experienced this before. The sweetest, purest man I have ever had the pleasure of kissing, of holding, and being held by.

My God, thank you! It is beauty. I recognize this man because this is what I am. Could this really be happening to me?

If you knew what I have experienced by the two men I loved most in my life, I guess objectively I was the woman who became so strong (not bitter) that I just learned to live life without thinking something like this would come along.

I am sobbing friends, grateful sobs. I never knew I would experience this. Here it is.

God, you must have seen me. You must have known me. You must have created me to know me, to love me, to give me what I need, and what you knew I would love. Thank you beyond what I can express except through grateful sobs tonight.