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Archive for the ‘weird’ Category

There was this guy I met up for drinks with. I knew when I saw him that it was not likely going to be a match. He was shorter than his profile said which subconsciously irked me to begin with. I had to lead the conversation the entire time we talked, which was like two hours, which was exhausting. There were good moments, but that was it. Short story shorter, we decided to be friends. However, I had been noticing as time developed that this guy seemed to have a different personality in person than through text. He was open, kind of too confident, and nice in text. In person he was too quiet, slow moving, and looked a little sad. Besides this acknowledgement, I had a gut feeling he was emotionally a little off or perpetually raw for some reason.

I decided to meet up with him as friends so last night we went to a restaurant and ate dinner at the bar. By this time, I knew that what I was doing at the end of the day was once again testing my good instinct if anything else. To me, there was only the tiniest of chances that we would actually really be friends, but that was something worth meeting up for if it was possible. So I went though I wanted to cancel so many times.

Instinct was right on par. He was even sadder this time, likely due to not really being able to be friends and have good spirits about it. The conversation was so trying. I knew it was going to be a long dinner. The vibe I got was that he was a little angry. When I broached the topic of being single and just talked about that life in general, just like the first date, he talked about how abnormal people are out there….how there are so many messed up people and that you have to sift through so many weird ones to get to the normal ones. I get that… but to talk about it like he did and each time I’ve seen him just makes me realize (like my gut was telling me), he is one of the “not okay” ones spouting out that everyone else is crazy. I don’t trust people that make the dating scene seem like it’s full of weirdos to an inordinate extent. It just singles you out even more!

Anyway, I won’t be pursuing a friendship with this guy. And in the realm of finding out if my instincts are as good as I have found them to be, I affirmed that again last night with this situation.

In good news, the guy I have seen three times now and have a good feeling about asked me out again.

And on a random note, but maybe not so much, I want to repost a great video that I found on a blog over three years ago. It’s pretty famous, but in case anyone wants to revisit it or discover it, enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

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Oy… dating.

It can’t be too much to expect a man to call rather than text all the time, right? It’s 2013 you say. But shouldn’t that make doing the stuff of the good ole’ days even more rewarding for guys to do (good guy and loser alike)?

I’m just not going to settle for something that makes me uncomfortable. I’m going on my fourth date with this guy on Friday and not once has he picked up the phone to call. Maybe because… he simply hasn’t had to. He could hide behind the phone because I responded to his texts in a positive way.

Well, I already changed that with another guy. He asked me out through text I and I said yes. He asked me if Saturday was good. I said, “That sounds great. I’ll be free to talk on the phone about the details tomorrow or later this week if you want to call. Hope you’re having a great night!”

Basically this was my dating GPS “recalculating.” And we will see if the guy can take us in the right direction.

I’m just not going to settle for anything questionable anymore. And it’s my job to communicate. So even on Friday, I’ll find a way to figure out in a very creative and light way why he doesn’t call. Or either I’ll make it clear that I’d rather hear his voice during the week rather than just texts because it creates false intimacy. And we will see what happens.

I won’t settle.

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Woah

Can’t calm down. Really awesome date. Dazed. Whirlwind. Don’t know how I’ll sleep…

Ok. I don’t feel like typing because I am happy and in a daze. But I HAVE to record this.

I joined POF as a joke. I was curious what it was like because people talk so poorly of it, but also because it’s where my sister met her fiance and, honestly, it’s free so why not see what it’s like? I knew I could always delete my profile if I needed to.

There was this guy that really stuck out to me. I don’t message guys much, but sometimes I push myself to. This guy just stuck out to me so much that I didn’t really have to push myself at all. First, he looked and talked southern. Second, his values were like dead on what I’d love to hear any man say. Third, I could tell by the activities in his photos that we probably had a lot in common.

So we messaged on POF for a while. It felt really comfortable… I didn’t push anything. He knew when to ask me more questions, when to give me his number, and when to ask me out. He just got it. And maybe people don’t understand how good that is… but when a man perceives & acts on things well in the beginning, it’s a really good sign he will continue this throughout the relationship.

So we went out today! We went to Rutgers Gardens and walked around for a really long time. Maybe an hour and a half? I don’t really know. But we walked and talked the whole time. I really enjoyed being with him. I felt like being myself freely was enjoyed by him. (I’m not ever not myself, but maybe a little more inhibited at first.)

Even as I’m writing this… I have to take breaks. I keep thinking about it all… and that’s what I really want to do.

So after walking around for a while we went out to dinner. Before that, as we were deciding where to go, I find out he is a foodie. ding, ding. lol Anyway, I could go on about details. So he follows me to Highland Park. We eat at Tete, a Peruvian restaurant. There we find out even more we have in common. Mostly through things like him saying “I really LOVE potatoes. Like really, really love them.” “I hate squash, zucchini, and olives.” These things were so distinct and specific I was thinking something along the lines of “What the hell is this?!?” lol  Dinner went great and we talked again for a couple of hours.

For me, it was just him. The way he carries himself, his confidence, his leadership qualities, the way he talks. He is sexy. He is rough around the edges which I like. He’s the first one I’ve dated like this, but it fits me well. But like I said, it’s really him that I like and that overpowers the physical whether I like it or not.

I had to laugh (in my head) because he touched the small of my back to guide/protect me when a car was coming. I loved it. But even on wordpress, there are girls who talk about a man who touches the small of their back as a swoonworthy thing. Now I am here to say— YOU ARE RIGHT. In fact, J did this many times throughout the date all in appropriate ways and times. It was very swoonworthy— I LOVED it. He definitely has that protective, gentlemanly factor going on.

So after dinner we walked back to our cars. I was comfortable with him. It occurred to me about how this can and might be awkward for sure… but I wasn’t too worried about it because I again, just felt comfy being with him. So he walks me over to my car as we are finishing up a conversation about something. He tells me he’s had a really good time which he has said a few times throughout the date by now. I tell him I did too, very genuinely. He says “I’m going to try something different here…” and he comes in to kiss me. He was so confident and not pushy at all! I was so… impressed. I liked his lips. I was trying my best to kiss him well even though I was surprised at what was happening lol. And then he said, “I don’t usually kiss girls on the first date.” (who knows) He asked if he was really going to see me again and I said “Yes” and he said, “ok when?” Haha. It was sweet. He kissed me again after a little more talk. And then again once more when we actually said goodbye. I loved the way he did the whole kiss thing. He was such a confident, gentleman about it all.

Wow.

I just didn’t expect to encounter this at all today. I am blown away by how much we have in common (didn’t even put a quarter of it on this blog post), how much we enjoyed each others company, and how good of a guy this man seems to be. What an awesome day!

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It’s been 31 days, an entire month, since the breakup. I am doing and feeling alright and much better than expected.

It’s fueled, I’m sure, because of logic and practicality. Oh, if I want to be totally pragmatic about it. I don’t. To be honest, It has more to do with learning how to love myself. Like… really. If you practice self love, you know, and if you don’t, you don’t.

It wasn’t because of my infinite wisdom that I started. It was because of me wanting to help myself and researching enough about how to make it through this time as best I could and to benefit from it some how. It all comes down to love. I saw this stated in trite ways, in psychological ways, in silly ways, and in peculiar ways– but I always saw it. And one way that I thought was poignant was to actually tell myself that I love myself. So yah, as odd as that sounds, I do; I tell myself that I love myself while looking in the mirror everyday. It’s even expounded to “I will always have your back, Julie. I have your best interests in mind. You can trust me whole heartedly.”

There is something about looking yourself in the eyes and saying that to your own self. Most of the time we are getting ready or critiquing ourselves in the mirror and don’t make much eye contact. When you do, it’s kind of inescapable that there is a soul inside the body that you primp each day. You see you.

I think I have been doing this for about a week and a half now, but I’m not sure when I started. I do know that I am different because of it and the reason I feel as well as I do is all because of this love. I’ve noticed a change particularly in what I allow in my mind. I don’t really want to watch horror or creepy movies. I’ve noticed I don’t feel at peace when I do and have recognized that anxiety as the one where I’m contradicting loving myself… yes, like I felt a lot of times in that relationship. It’s been surprising to see the effects of saying I love you to myself. I am believing it. I have more peace than I bargained for. I enjoy spending time with myself (really, this soon after a breakup?) It’s REALLY surprising what love can do.

Maybe this should be taught in elementary school. Maybe if it was taught that young, it would stay with us throughout the years and we would be so much better off as adults than learning what I’m about to say in our 20’s, 30’s, or even later.

We must love ourselves first. No one is going to love us more than we love ourselves. It’s only through our love for ourselves that will we surround ourselves with people that love themselves and therefore can love us. Love attracts love and the rest will fall away. It is also through our self love that we see what we can give others in love. If we can’t love ourselves, we don’t have love to give other people.

And perhaps… this is right on time for me. I can’t complain much about timing and even after all I’ve been through, my life has been good. I will turn 32 in a little over a month and… I’ve become excited about that. Because it’s me… and I’m really loving myself and everything I’ve been created to be.

I am grateful for love.

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Well. I don’t really know how to say this, but it’s worth being recorded. This blog is a special place and I have to record an amazing experience that has been born here.

I had a dream that I recorded on this blog because at the time I had it, it was vivid and full of strong feelings. I think it was unexpected. Here is the post about the dream: https://abrajewels.wordpress.com/2011/06/30/dream/

When I was dating Brett, while our relationship was still pretty new, one night we were driving in his car. This dream happened. My reaction was to block it-I remember that. I remember instantly recognizing what was being said in that moment was almost the exact same experience in the dream. It scared me or caused some kind of startledness to the point where my brain could not fully accept it. Can you imagine? It was so much the same that right there in the moment I thought of this dream that had happened a year before! My guess is that it was too much for me to comprehend the meaning of that since this was such a new relationship and the first one after my divorce. That’s why I believe I tried to almost push it away and can’t remember specifics about it. I sure do remember enough and there is truly no denying it.

Today I got on this blog. I don’t remember what triggered me to even come here and I don’t visit often. This time I started to read old posts and kept going further back. I had forgotten all that I recorded and found it so neat to remember these experiences. I came upon the “dream” post and reread it fondly, now that I am comforted by it and can process how astounding it was that this dream happened in real life, using the same descriptions of the man and what actually happened. I read all of it. When I got to the end of the post- I froze.

Just last night, Brett said something to me that was surprising and so unexpected to hear out of his mouth, initiated by his own unique self. He said to me, “I want to connect with you more.”

June 30, 2011   “dream”

“I loved this man and loved that we agreed on this point, but really it wasn’t about the fact that we agreed so much as we were… connected.”

I swear to God. I never thought I would have a man of my dreams. I don’t have men in my dreams. I had this dream. And I’m astounded at the purpose of it. Thank you to whoever for this unexpected, welcome gift that has left me quietly astounded.

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If you love someone, I say don’t rush things.  Don’t let your misunderstanding or not understanding of anything and the pursuing anxiety take over. BE PATIENT. Give things time.

I broke up with him for the second time. It was the same night as my last post. I thought I was doing the right thing. And you know what? I did the best I could. It really couldn’t have happened any other way for me.

But it was not the right thing to do.

I never understood if he was a Mama’s boy. I was on the lookout for one. I had one before and I never, ever want one again. But I couldn’t even say that term to him in conversation about it because I didn’t want to insult him. Instead I tried to talk things out and see if I could figure out what was important to him and add that to what I saw. But I never got a clear answer. And because of that… I let anxiety take over and just broke it off.

What I wanted to know is: “Do you have room in your life for me?” “Do you want to have room in your life for me?”

After we broke up, I found it in me to ask him the hard questions I couldn’t before and to use the term Mama’s boy. I guess, I didn’t have anything to lose. I told him about what a Mama’s boy is and the bounty of them in the south, how my ex was one, and how I found a different version of them in Italian form when I moved up here. 🙂 It wasn’t easy for me to say that, especially since he is Italian, but I wanted him to understand where I was coming from. I didn’t do it in a mean way. And you know what, I got the answers I had wanted. He in fact, is not a Mama’s boy. But we were broken up. What I learned from that is you have to ask and state what you need. Period. You do it in the nicest way you can do and not worry too much about others reactions.

If I had the capacity and knowledge to not let my anxiety about ending up with a Mama’s boy take over… make a repeat of a past mistake… I never would have broken up with him. I would have kept asking questions and asked the hard ones. I would have been patient with understanding and coming to a conclusion. I would have went to couples counseling to help understand this issue like he suggested.

I really hurt him by breaking up with him.

He never stopped pursuing me over the next 4 days until we got back into a relationship with each other. But I didn’t realize the hurt I caused him until after we got back together. We talked openly about it because it naturally came up. I really listened. And in a separate conversation so he could know I really meant it and wasn’t just responding that night, I sincerely apologized to him for breaking up with him both times. I told him that I would not hurt him like that again.

I am a really good person. But I have my flaws and lessons to go through just like everyone else. This was a particularly  hard one for me because the worst thing I feel I can do is hurt someone else and I did that. So I’m sharing it.

He doesn’t trust people easily. And that night when I apologized he really appreciated it and told me that it’s just going to take time to build trust. He explained that his feelings towards me were damaged because he is hurt, but that he believes it can work out. I asked him if he was happy being in a relationship with me and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to be in this relationship and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to see us work out and he said yes. Over the next couple of days it was really tough for me anxiety wise. I didn’t know if he would break up with me over putting up walls or if he could trust me again. But those questions and “yes” responses provided a foundation for me during those anxious times to help me know he is “for us.”

But then something shifted. Something really changed. I have no idea as introspective as I am what it is. But I suddenly just had peace. I had relaxation and faith that everything is good. Even just this past week my therapist mentioned she had seen a change…that I seem really satisfied or something to that effect.. that the anxiety wasn’t there.

And he has begun to trust me much more quickly than I anticipated. I would think it has a lot to do with the unexplained peace that I have which he undoubtedly picks up on. He opens up to me and that to me indicates that there is trust there.

I look up to this man. I respect him. And I really love him.

You just never know.

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This is weird.

So there is a post on this blog that is not a poem and it’s the only one besides the introduction. And this is the one I’m referencing: https://abrajewels.wordpress.com/2008/10/09/this-is-for-real/ 

What I didn’t say in this post is that my vision was in a Catholic church. I couldn’t be that honest with myself back then. And it didn’t make sense and I didn’t want it to; I was a Protestant. But it was as real as day just like the rest of the vision was that I was in a Catholic church.

The next part gets even better. Brad wasn’t there. He wasn’t part of the band or anything.

The whole vision was me just seeing the floor, my shoes, and the end of my dress. The rest was knowing. Both senses were equally important and mattered just was much as the other.

Brad wasn’t there and it was in a Catholic church.

Today Brad isn’t here and I’m Catholic.

I am heavily involved in the music at my church and have been ever since he left in December.

Now think about that with the rest of the vision.

Coincidence? I THINK NOT. This vision happened before I found out Brad cheated on me. Soon after this post everything began to fall apart. This vision happened over 2 years and 8 months ago.

It was meant for this time in my life after Brad left. Part of the knowing is that I was young in the vision like I am now.

Wow.

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