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Archive for the ‘tired’ Category

You didn’t tell me

Why didn’t you mention the moments in between

The friends the laughter the nights of serene… bliss

That I’d cry myself to sleep

That I’d cry for the kids I see at work

The pain of not knowing why he is distant from me

The worrying about money that won’t stop and can’t be remedied soon

You didn’t tell me

You didn’t mention the hardships I’d face

The choice I didn’t make to exist and survive despite them wasn’t mine

Why?

Why am I here? Why do I have to be the one to cry?

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THEY WEREN’T GIVEN THE RIGHT?

It’s not that bad, now is it?

How would I know

I am here now and this is all I know.

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Enough said? It probably should have been. But then he told me that she had a stroke and he helps her because she doesn’t function like she used to. I believed him… why wouldn’t I?

We dated. I fell in love with him. We became exclusive. I asked for it. We had rough times and I broke up with him once. I tried to break up with him another 2 times. He wouldn’t let me go… I didn’t want to let him go. He told me he loves me. I told him I have loved him and do. He got into a doctoral program… so happy for him!

And today. I sit. In the same boat. Unhappy in between the times I am not with him. Because he lives with his mother and takes care of her and she takes care of him. He is parentified because of all he went through growing up with his parents…his dad died when he was 16. His mom never dated again. He has only lived alone when he went off to college for grad school. In undergrad he came home every weekend.

And here I sit. Now really processing it all. And I love him. And he really loves me. But his mom is there and she will be until she dies.

And how will he be when she dies?

This is a horrible situation to be in. To love someone you know can’t give you everything you want.

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Every Friday I am exhausted by the time I go home. I remember being tired by the end of the week when I was a kid, but this is different. Like I’m literally longing for my bed at 5pm.

It would help if I got more than 7 hours of sleep the night before, but there’s always something that comes up that makes me go to bed later than I should.

Oh and something has come up-not that keeps me awake though. Although I stepped out of the dating scene at the end of May, I left one of my profile sites up because it was paid for and I wasn’t sure if I could reopen it. (I guess I could have checked into that cuz turns out you can so maybe there is more to it than that. It is a site based on my religion which means a lot to me… I guess I wanted to leave it open “just in case….”)

There was this one dude who kept viewing me since like April. He nudged me and winked at me which I did back. Honestly, he seemed like a dweeb. And, yes, he still could be. I won’t rule out any previous thoughts because they turn out to be important sometimes. But guess what? I looked up his name using his email address that he put on his profile. He coached in the NBA for 5 years and he coaches everyone from kids to high-profile athletes now. He’s actually very handsome-I watched a video of him so I know kinda for sure.

So I updated my profile and put my email address on it as well. It seems like he can’t email from that dating site maybe based on his membership level. I still don’t know if that’s true, but based on the fact that he did make contact with me 2x with the cutesy faces but only put his email address up on his profile, I thought I would update my profile with my email address to give him another shot. I still wasn’t going to contact him.

So maybe a day or two later, I told my friend all about this shocking thing and, no lie, that night when I got home, he emailed me. Literally, my heart raced and I didn’t sleep well that night! Okay, so maybe this has kept me from getting sleep at least once.

We’ve emailed back and forth three times now about surface level things and just learning about each other. But now my anxiety is rising. If I could put it into words this is what is going through my head:

“Am I going to know what to say in the next email? How long can this last? Does he want to stop emailing me–he is a guy–guys don’t like this stuff for too long,right? Is it going to hurt if he stops emailing me? Should I say something first to stop the emails before he doesn’t like them?”

Then in a deeper part of my brain possibly causing all the above:

“I know I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to formally date. I do want to get to know people including guys I’m interested in and that are interested in me. This is balanced, I believe. But it’s scary. What do I say? Can I really go with that flow or will I back out? (I would end up backing out rather than jumping in, trust me.) How do I do this?

And I had this up on my site under the “What I’m looking for section” when he contacted me so he had fair warning: “Right now I’m taking it easy on the dating front as my divorce is coming to a close, but I’m still interested in getting to know other people. For a future relationship, I’m looking for someone with similar values to mine who has a strong sense of individuality. ”

So please those of you who are reading this leave a comment. You don’t have to have been through this to tell me what to do. Give me your opinion and I’m thankful.

Oh goodness. I didn’t expect a guy with real potential to come along.

What should I do?

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