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Archive for the ‘self love’ Category

Just maybe things are not like all soft and fluffy even half the time.

I mean… maybe reality is reality 100% of the time and the fluffy, magical stuff sifts it’s way through life as incalculable moments. Not predictable, most often not premeditated, in gratefulness-producing ways… maybe that’s how the fluffy, magical stuff happens.

And maybe part of that reality is that you notice this more as you age. You see more reality and less magic because you are the one responsible for your life now…you set the stage for everything… and you are even able to produce life that will experience the magic often until they become of age.

The cool thing is, the older you get, the more the magical fluffy moments mean when they actually do happen. You become even more grateful for them with time.

Perhaps every self aware person with at least average intelligence and normal insight realizes at a certain point during their young adult years that expecting the fluffy, magical stuff to appear at a certain rate or in a certain time frame is setting yourself up for disappointment and a reality check.

I think that is probably, really true. And I think that for me, that night is tonight. I’m 32. I’ve been married before. I’ve lived some life yet. But I think this concept is becoming it’s full self in my brain tonight.

Maybe it really is about doing life, the daily ins and outs, taking enjoyment and meaning from that. When and if those fluffy, magical moments happen, and I think they do for most everyone if their heart is open, they mean so much and provide comfort and stir gratefulness in us.

And it isn’t simply because we are responsible for our lives and set the stage for “everything” that we don’t have as many magical moments as we did when we were younger. I believe it might be because as we mature, we are able to handle less. I believe also that the less that we have in this regard, the more gratefulness we have when those moments do come. When we have more gratefulness in our lives, we are more fulfilled and satisfied as human beings.

This is my theory. I’m still growing up. Tonight I learned just a bit more.

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Have you ever had one of those? I think this was my first. And I’ll never forget it. I sobbed to God for how grateful I am to have been given a good man. A good down to the soul, just-as-good-as-I-am man. A rock. I have never in my life experienced this before. The sweetest, purest man I have ever had the pleasure of kissing, of holding, and being held by.

My God, thank you! It is beauty. I recognize this man because this is what I am. Could this really be happening to me?

If you knew what I have experienced by the two men I loved most in my life, I guess objectively I was the woman who became so strong (not bitter) that I just learned to live life without thinking something like this would come along.

I am sobbing friends, grateful sobs. I never knew I would experience this. Here it is.

God, you must have seen me. You must have known me. You must have created me to know me, to love me, to give me what I need, and what you knew I would love. Thank you beyond what I can express except through grateful sobs tonight.

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Physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.

It may be an enigma for me.

I wish that it was not so rare. But then how special would it be? Things that great should be far and few between.

I hope that I find a gift of a partner like this. If I don’t, I’ll be happy with myself. I’ve learned how to live the single life now and be honestly happy. There are moments when you are in a relationship and you wish you were single, sometimes more than just moments. And there are sometimes when you are single that you wish you were in a relationship. Life isn’t about what you don’t have-it’s about what you do. Gratefulness.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve chosen wrong people to be with, even when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was wrong. I’ve made passionate love that was better than I could imagine. I’ve not had a good, honest man, that I’ve made passionate love to that was better than I could have dreamt.

I won’t settle for less than physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.  It’s what I deserve if I commit to anyone. It is rare. It is good that it is rare. I’ve learned that I can be happy single and I’ve learned settling is horrible for the human heart.

I will live my life out loud, with joy. That’s what I’ll do. That’s my plan. If there is a partner for me out there, I know that I’ll be open and happy enough for him to find his place next to me.

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I’m not an idiot when it comes to guys. I’ve had enough experience with men that have severe issues to know when something is up. I don’t hide under rocks and hope for the best. I don’t kid myself in exchange for continued pleasure.

This is why I was so blunt in my last post. I know F is a douchebag revealing himself overtime. He was completely different before he asked me to be his girlfriend. The chase was over for this could be player and he was in a relationship he wasn’t ready for.

So about the Thanksgiving plans… the ones that I knew instinctually would be thrown out the window though he invited me over his parents house on date #6. This is the text conversation:

F: Hey u, how’s ur day going so far? Small problem, I caught my mom today before heading to work and asked her what the deal is for thanksgiving. Turns out my fathers partner invited them to spend it with them being that their kids are away in college and aren’t coming home for the holidays. So it’s not at my house this year, which is weird. I really don’t think I want to attend that though.

Me nonchalantly texting back, acting oblivious to the fact that he just uprooted a single person’s plans for Thanksgiving without any indication of that being made up for though he invited me. You get more information out of the person when you communicate this way: Hey 🙂 it’s going good. Just meeting w ppl so far. I had no idea this storm was coming! How’s your day been? Hmm I see about Thanksgiving. What do you think you will do then?

F (6 hours later): Ugh what a rough day, I’m just leaving now :/ can’t wait to get home. I have no idea, still kind of taken back by the whole thing; I think they should’ve gave me more notice especially since they know I’m seeing someone. 

You mean, your parents didn’t take care of you and your date for Thanksgiving and inform you, because you are living in their home like an adult child, that they are doing Thanksgiving not revolving around you? That’s if this story is even true. And considering the last time you saw me, for the very first time you didn’t secure plans to see me again, I’d say you knew about this for a while… again if this is even true.

That very well may be the last word spoken from my brain to F’s. You don’t change plans on someone two days before Thanksgiving #1, #2 you definitely apologize!, #3 if you aren’t going to this dinner and I’m obviously not going, why not make plans with me since you extinguished the plans we had… if you are so interested in dating me?

He’s a douchebag. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Not apparent to the naked eye always, but first impressions do say a lot. Mine of F, btw, was exactly this “Aw, he’s a young man who just got over the club scene and is trying to look for something real & serious.” Turns out, F still does go to clubs sometimes.

It’s a good thing I don’t feel I need a man or feel that I need to be single. It’s a good thing that I know that all I want and need to be satisfied in this life is to be happy with me and the life I create for myself.

This is what I’m grateful and thankful for this Thanksgiving. I realize that so many people do not believe or understand this way of living… but it is the truth in my life that I could not have been happier to find.

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Thirty-two is full of serendipity. Floating wisdom that sprinkles down at moments that matter. Time to stand in the kitchen to swirl around at the freedom I feel by confidence and singledom. 32 is planned with a structure fleeting at the drop of a dime with free-minded friends strolling through prestigious towns and bumping into moments that change my life. It’s beauty in captured, unexpected moments. Relationships deepened and secure. It’s grand… 32 is grand without the luxury that I ever thought I’d end up having. It’s organic and real, harsh and intricately beautiful. Providential and loving. 32 is totally me.

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And, ironically, what I realized today is…I forgot to keep track of how long it’s been since we broke up. I stopped counting the days many days ago.

This is very good, indeed.  🙂

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Yesterday was, up until around the hour of the breakup, 6 weeks. And guess what I was doing last night? Playing my first gig with my first “real” band.  🙂

I am completely comfortable being alone and enjoy my company. I am very surprised at this. Isn’t this supposed to take longer? Is it because I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse and so that makes this seem like baby cakes? That’s my best guess. No matter what you would choose… when you go through very trying times in life it shapes you into a different person capable of different processing, strength, and resilience.. really for better or worse.

I am grateful. Maybe people that really know me and my thoughts might get tired of hearing how grateful I am about things, but I have so many things I’m grateful for. And I’ve noticed gratitude really must be tied to resilience level.

I am not concerned about finding a life partner. The exact feeling and thoughts in my brain are something along the lines of “I’m happy being with me and I don’t really have any worry one way or the other about if I end up settling down with someone or even having kids.” I can only imagine this is because I have really started to love myself. I take care of myself and think about taking care of me in the future, not about having to find someone else.

This is a new life for me. But I can feel it is with the same ol’ me. I just love myself and really get it now.

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