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Archive for the ‘sad’ Category

It’s funny how you can’t keep track of things in your own relationship when there is chaos. I read my prior blog post of February 2016. I knew then apparently that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you asked me a month ago, I would have said I didn’t really understand at that time though I had a thought I was. Now I read that I did get it. I still don’t think I fully believed it then, however.

Flash forward to February 2017. He broke up with me in Hawaii. On a vacation that was supposed to be our honeymoon, but turned vacation because he called off the wedding in November 2016. Then soon after, we became girlfriend and boyfriend rather than fiancés.

The pain I endured staying with him from that blog post of February 2016 to the breakup of February 2017 was insurmountable. It was the most emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. If you are reading this and are in an emotionally abusive relationship, leave. Don’t stay. There are always ways to get taken care of by family or friends or resources. Now I’m sitting here working through the fact that I stayed. Sure, I think it was a lesson I had to experience to really understand. But if it helps you to hear it from someone who has been there, a minute more of abuse is a minute less of a happy life. It’s a minute more you have to get over it. Don’t put up with it. Separate or leave. They will treat you how you accept. You are a beautiful human being worthy of respect. I’m sure you didn’t react to abuse and unkindness in a healthy way while it was happening but you are not the perpetrator… you are a victim trying to survive.

Now I sit knowing that I will survive. I wish I didn’t have to feel the pain of regret and now trying to add that with knowing I did the best I could. It’s confusing. Because even if I had cancer and depended on him at the time, it was never worth staying with that treatment. Even if his brother jumped out of a window, it doesn’t give him license to treat me that way. Even if he is struggling in his new job and doesn’t handle the stress well, it doesn’t mean he can take it out on me and then start blaming me for everything. There will never be another excuse that will work to allow emotional abuse or any type of abuse to continue in my life again! Every human being deserves respect and love and apologies when needed.

I forgive you, Julie, for staying. You did not realize the severity and had a hard time believing this is who he really was. That is the cycle of abuse. You are out and that is what is important. You will never go back. You pulled away emotionally when you really, really began to see it for what it was in January 2017. You had thoughts and knew you would leave one day. Thank god it happened sooner than later. You are smart, you are loveable, and you are wise. You will always have your own back and you will never accept less than you deserve in the future. Everyone goes through lessons in life and this was one of yours. It’s okay. It’s alright. You are forgiven and you will heal.

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This, please, just let this be one big, bad, long, dream. I keep saying that in the fights. It comes out of my mouth as a plea, that maybe if I say it, it will create itself. But no such luck, I don’t think.

Let’s spell it out. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. No, it wasn’t always this way. It became a pattern of his behavior. I just got diagnosed with skin cancer and, no, that didn’t stop it. Take a hint, you say. I just had surgery to get the skin cancer removed and now have a big incision that is making walking difficult… no, that didn’t stop it either. Take a hint, you say. It’s harder than you think, I say back. Every one of us has played games in our lives and I thought and hoped that this was all it was. After experiencing his this multiple times through the cancer diagnosis and surgery, it hits home for real with no more guesses. I’m engaged to an emotionally abusive partner. He has become depressed with still no justification for abuse.

I read about how to live with this. Why? Because it looks like financially not a smart thing to do to leave now. Also, because I guess parts of me hopes that he will get better. So these articles say to not become the victim identity. They say to have compassion for your own self and keep your identity. I can do that. I am a strong person- but I know abuse is different. I have learned how to love myself over again and I will do it again and again. I will survive and thrive. This will not stop me. And, btw, no of course I don’t plan to marry someone who is abusing me.

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You didn’t tell me

Why didn’t you mention the moments in between

The friends the laughter the nights of serene… bliss

That I’d cry myself to sleep

That I’d cry for the kids I see at work

The pain of not knowing why he is distant from me

The worrying about money that won’t stop and can’t be remedied soon

You didn’t tell me

You didn’t mention the hardships I’d face

The choice I didn’t make to exist and survive despite them wasn’t mine

Why?

Why am I here? Why do I have to be the one to cry?

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THEY WEREN’T GIVEN THE RIGHT?

It’s not that bad, now is it?

How would I know

I am here now and this is all I know.

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Today is Thursday. Last Wednesday I broke up with a boyfriend. Thursday, Thanksgiving I wasn’t sure if I had somewhere where to go until around noon. And Friday, my ex-boyfriend who broke my heart before the last one I had called me after 4 months of no contact.

I’ve been hard on myself wondering why the past few days I’ve been more irritable, haven’t cleaned my house, found it harder to exercise. Seriously? Give myself a break.

The breakup wasn’t a big deal at all because we weren’t emotionally close… but it does mean I’m adjusting to not having anyone again. Not knowing where I would be on Thanksgiving and possibly being really alone for the first time on a Holiday was scary. And that phone call from my ex who I broke up with this summer, the one that really played with my heart, was jarring to say the least. It’s still jarring me. It’s made me think about him everyday since and I stopped thinking about him a long time ago. It’s made me miss him and then I feel stupid for missing someone that immature and that treated me so poorly!

I’ve even been tempted to call or text him. LOL. And I beat. myself. up.  You foolish girl.

The sex was great, our demeanors were great together, our playfulness great, there was a lot that was great.

There was even more that was horribly hurtful and sick.

Nothing is ever black and white. As much as I wanted to think it would be a logical moving on… because he was a jerk and I then became unattracted to that… it is not that at all. I miss what we had right now. Then–poof–I realize there was another woman ever present… his mother. Even if he ever does move out… still attached inappropriately. Not to mention this is the man who convinced his whole doctoral class who are school psychologists that I have a disorder (that the couples counseling psychologist said I did not have, but said he essentially does have to a degree)! What kind of high skill manipulation does that take?! They never even met me and these are educated folks!

sigh. The call jolted me. I sat and stared at the phone the whole time it rang.

my god. I have been beating myself up. Because of jerks!

STOP.

It’s ok to let your house go to shit when you experience a breakup small or big, Thanksgiving is up in the air, and a really bad exbf calls out of the blue! IT’S OK! You just haven’t been through this before. It’s OK to be irritable inside, to feel a little down, to find it hard not to get as many texts.

You don’t have to be so strong as to not notice when hard things come up that it’s OK to go through them. Feel them. Connect the feelings to the actual hard things you went through?!?!

That’s why you have been feeling down. For only a few freakin’ days even! Mystery solved. You are normal.

I’m so glad I just talked to myself on the internet. Therapy is free here.

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Blue

“So if you’re feelin’ lonely, don’t. You’re the only one I ever want.”

I just saw Bryan Adams tonight in concert. So give me a break on that line coming out.  🙂

But I guess it came out for a reason. My boyfriend is anxious, sleep deprived, numb, living with his parents temporarily, traveling often. lol. wow- I knew it sounded bad, but to see it written out is bad.

You see, I’m not the one who is lonely. I feel for him. I’m pretty sure he is depressed.

I became F’s girlfriend on Nov 1. We were SO happy. The night he asked me to be his girlfriend (I know, I didn’t know guys did that anymore either) it seriously felt like a dream, like I was on cloud 15. The dates before were increasingly awesome as well.

Right after the date when he asked me to be his girlfriend, he began to act different. He was quieter on the next date. I told him that and he chalked it up to being more comfortable and not feeling like he has to keep a conversation going like before. okay. kinda believable.

It’s been going downhill since in that department. And it’s him. He complains that he is anxious because of the short sale he is in the middle of settling on. Saving up money for closing costs. The traveling he is doing (gone this weekend to AC for a bachelor party and then Portugal for a month in December.) Sigh. The date before last he told me he has been so anxious for the entire week and has had trouble sleeping. This week he kept complaining was “off.” Tonight after a Bryan Adams concert he told me he felt numb. I asked, “What do you mean?” (though I was pretty sure) And he said he meant inside. He didn’t come inside my place tonight. He said he was very tired and just wanted to go home and go to bed. He had been yawning the whole night. He knew that “my friend,” as he puts it, was this week so he could be shallow and not come in because of that combined with how exhausted he was, but either way, downhill… increasingly and methodically.

Guys mask depression so well. He really swept me off my feet. That must have been exhausting. The very next date— letting go a bit because he had me secured as his girlfriend.

This isn’t a bad guy. It’s a guy who is depressed and anxious. One that doesn’t know better yet about combining this with dating.

Depression is so simply, sad. I wish people didn’t suffer from this illness. It’s tough to break out of. And then often you return. I think F may have been struggling for a long time before me.

I remember one of the best dates, the fourth date, F held my hand as we were walking out of a restaurant after a really good conversation in which he told me he liked me and other important, intimate things. I could have swore I saw a tear in the corner of his eye. It wasn’t cold out or anything. I thought it may have been because he was really happy. Later, at a cool bar that he likes a lot, he told me more about his best friend that he lost in a motorcycle accident. He had mentioned it before. He told me it’s been two years and it still feels like it’s yesterday. This time he did tear up and I held his hand.

When I think back on that knowing what I know now… it makes a lot more sense. People cry a lot when they are depressed.

I hate this for him. I mean sure, I will miss him, I don’t want to have to leave. But I care about F and I hate this for him. If I could take it away I would.

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This pain is scary and I want it to go away. It sneaks up like a snake and it slithers around slowly in my brain for a period of time before I make a sudden exit or the snake gets distracted and leaves.

Why does it have to be there when he was such a fucking jerk? I know he didn’t do his most grievous fault of indecision about us out of maliciousness. But why should I have to suffer anymore? Come on. If there are areas in life where it should be easy heartache should be one, right?

I’m so scared subconsciously that I’m going to waste an inordinate amount of time grieving over the loss of this relationship. (could it even be called that?) My friend told me the exact opposite- that because of the situation that he believes that it won’t take an inordinate amount of time before my emotions give way to logic and I’ll be through this. When my friend saw me the other day, he said “in a few more weeks.” God, I hope that’s true. There’s no way that can happen? (no)

I WILL NOT ACCEPT ASSHOLES ANYMORE. I WILL TRUST MYSELF AND EVERY RED FLAG I SEE.

It is not worth it to go through this for men that are not worth it.

I hope one day I can look back at this time with wisdom and a smile of strength and peace because it all worked out okay. I hope.

I want to be with a life partner and I think I want to have kids. I will be 32 years old next month. God help me. Just help me be happy. Give me what I need and what is right above what I think I want.

I’m scared and I hate these moments of pain. Help me sit with it and survive through it. Help me not to settle for ways of rushing through healing.

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I’ve learned life with peace is something that you should choose to have when you have the choice to have it. It’s the thing that I wouldn’t have pointed out would happen after we parted ways. Not because I couldn’t logically fathom it, but because I wouldn’t have realized the significance of it being mentioned.

My life is peaceful.

It’s the first time I’ve had peace in at least a year and a half. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy sometimes. But then again, I wasn’t completely happy. Peace is such an important part of being happy I suppose.

I broke up with him in the evening on Friday, July 12. It was unavoidable. He is devastated. One day I’ll have the energy to write about what happened and why. Right now, I’m just sticking with what feels right and not pushing myself to do anything.

I’m enjoying the peace.

Despite the painful times.

Despite the questions for a new future.

I’m in awe of the peace.

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