Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘Proud of me’ Category

It’s August! As typically as life delivers in unpredictability, so have the last few months been a rapid pace of growth and surprises. I’m over the emotional abuser if you read my past posts. There is a soft spot in my heart for the times he was just a good, sweet man, but in the big picture of things… he was an abuser that could not help himself. It’s been almost 6 months now since we broke up. 5 months were I have lived on my own. I can tell that this breakup was the easiest because of experience and the heartache being mostly in the relationship, but I can also tell it took time to get over in a different way because we lived together and were together for a little over 3 years. It’s all done and I’m over him now. I would not want to be with him or try again. There is a soft spot only because I know his heart even though he is abusive. I cut off all contact with him, however, because that is what you do when you know your worth.

I’ve actually dated since the week after we broke up. Many experiences, some funny and some gross. Some normal and just not for me. I knew I would start getting serious after my surgery and recovery. So I signed up for eHarmony and Catholic Match recently.

It would really take a special man for me to give up the single life. I definitely know I don’t need one and I really like all the time I have to myself to do whatever the hell I want. 🙂  In other words, he will have to be a “mighty, mighty good man” and be the icing to my cake. Any relationship in my life would have to enhance my life. I’m proud of this!

 

Read Full Post »

I want to be as greatly successful was Dr. Wayne Dyer. As Maya Angelo was. Not for the fame, not for the money, but because I trust myself. I know the wisdom that I have and the ways that I follow in the Spirit.

How do I even begin?

I guess I would just keep following in the Spirit. God knows the plans he has for me as trite as it sounds. So I’ll press into that.

Things that were awesome today:

My boyfriend gave me a key to his home. 🙂

I mentioned that I loved him for the first time after that. 🙂

I closed at the coffee house for the first time.

I get out of work before dinner time.

I did my squats for the day.

I took steps toward a long application procedure for becoming licensed in my other career degree.

I talked to my mom.

I like reminding myself of the awesome things in a single day so that I can see the big picture even when I’m stressed. Life is too short not to notice the best things. 🙂

Read Full Post »

Just maybe things are not like all soft and fluffy even half the time.

I mean… maybe reality is reality 100% of the time and the fluffy, magical stuff sifts it’s way through life as incalculable moments. Not predictable, most often not premeditated, in gratefulness-producing ways… maybe that’s how the fluffy, magical stuff happens.

And maybe part of that reality is that you notice this more as you age. You see more reality and less magic because you are the one responsible for your life now…you set the stage for everything… and you are even able to produce life that will experience the magic often until they become of age.

The cool thing is, the older you get, the more the magical fluffy moments mean when they actually do happen. You become even more grateful for them with time.

Perhaps every self aware person with at least average intelligence and normal insight realizes at a certain point during their young adult years that expecting the fluffy, magical stuff to appear at a certain rate or in a certain time frame is setting yourself up for disappointment and a reality check.

I think that is probably, really true. And I think that for me, that night is tonight. I’m 32. I’ve been married before. I’ve lived some life yet. But I think this concept is becoming it’s full self in my brain tonight.

Maybe it really is about doing life, the daily ins and outs, taking enjoyment and meaning from that. When and if those fluffy, magical moments happen, and I think they do for most everyone if their heart is open, they mean so much and provide comfort and stir gratefulness in us.

And it isn’t simply because we are responsible for our lives and set the stage for “everything” that we don’t have as many magical moments as we did when we were younger. I believe it might be because as we mature, we are able to handle less. I believe also that the less that we have in this regard, the more gratefulness we have when those moments do come. When we have more gratefulness in our lives, we are more fulfilled and satisfied as human beings.

This is my theory. I’m still growing up. Tonight I learned just a bit more.

Read Full Post »

“Are you my girlfriend?”

“I’d love to be your girlfriend.”

“You’re my girlfriend.”

“Yay! That makes me really happy.”

“That makes me happy, too.”

Read Full Post »

Here I am embarking on another saga in the dating world. This guy I respect a lot. No doubt he has a good head on his shoulders. He was in ROTC and the Army for 5 years. Now he has a very admirable career that I shouldn’t mention on the internet. All in all, his professional life gives way to his character.

It will take a while for us to get to know each other to get inside our inner circles. We are both the same; we are very friendly and open, but to be known as someone close to us takes a bit. I have not really been with someone like me in this regard. The word that comes to mind for this is “NORMAL.” This seems like the boy and girl next door kind of relationship that develops over time in a healthy way. I can’t really imagine it beyond that because I haven’t experienced it before.

It is kind of a challenge to be patient with this, but only for the sake of it not being the norm. Then my gut kicks in and is like, “This is a good thing. Wait for it.”

So I will. And let’s keep it real and say this is again, dating. So at any point, I could never hear from him again. Or something else could happen. But I think…if I stick with it… this might work out to be a good thing. If it does, I’ll write a blog about the first date and the ironies on that. The second date… there were enough clues to remind me of the first date’s ironies. Here’s to hoping I’ll get to share that one day!

Read Full Post »

Two posts in one day. Sigh. I take care of myself well- this blog is one of my outlets.

I stopped dating F today. He texted me out of the blue. I’m surprised that he had the balls to keep texting me:

F: Hey u, how is ur day going? Hope you’ve been having a great day 🙂

J: Hey. I hope you have been having a great day too. I’m sorry to tell you this, but we can no longer date, F. I hope that you do reach all the goals and dreams you shared w me & wish you the best. Have a good Thanksgiving

F: Bummer, sorry to hear that but I get where it’s coming from. Really hope you don’t feel like I’ve wasted your time, wasn’t my intention at all…really wished it would have worked out but overall it’s just been terrible timing. Anyway best wishes for you and Happy Thanksgiving… I really enjoyed getting to know you.

It’s just been terrible timing. That will be his mantra. And did I mention we talked about 2.5 years ago and he just dropped off communication then? Then he tried to pick it back up, but I ignored it. Likely, it will always be “terrible timing” for F. Look, I know guys can be doofuses innocently. This guy I think wanted to be a good guy but copped out a lot at the end of the day. I know this by the stories he told me and the decisions he has made. “Terrible timing” also doesn’t make you not figure out Thanksgiving plans till the last minute after inviting you over, blame your parents, not make new plans, and not even apologize.

There are a ton of reasons why this wasn’t a good match for me, but ultimately, this is dating. It is what it is. If I happen to find a great match one day, it will be because the “not good matches” aren’t in my life. That’s just the way it is. I thought about being friends with him because there is very little emotional attachment and it could work, but his character turns me off. I don’t want to call someone like that a friend- they aren’t dependable.

On a different note, I noticed that I was also talking to my two best friends at the time who both reached out to me. They didn’t know that I was in the middle of breaking up with F and I still haven’t told them yet. It was just comforting to have them both be talking to me at the same time and while I went through with this. It was like a dose of reality to encourage me to get it over with. I don’t like hurting people so telling people “we can’t date anymore” is something I really never like doing.

One of those best friends is who I made backup plans with to go over her inlaws house to celebrate Thanksgiving. I’ve known the family for like 3.5 years now. But she is pregnant and is having horrible morning sickness today. She may not be able to make it tomorrow. I may be able to go see her at her house even though her husband and daughter are going still, but it depends how she feels. So I actually may be alone on Thanksgiving for the first time ever. I am scared. What I want to point out though, is that my friend apologized not once, but twice about possibly changing plans on me. That’s what real friends, decent human beings do, unlike F. It was nice to have that ironically happen today just to drive that whole point home.

Life always goes on. I will always get stronger. I know how to take care of myself. I am a lucky woman.

Read Full Post »

This has been the theme of my life after making good decisions with guys. And the watching of the new door opening is NOT a new guy coming into my life.  😉

I went through a very tough breakup in July as I blogged about in previous posts. This relationship came to a slow painful wind down over months and then to a screeching halt in a matter of a week. During that time, an opportunity presented itself to become a part of a great and talented band. The week that I found out I made it was the same week that I had to break up with him. This band was my saving grace and my driving force to help me through my recovery.

I went out on 5 dates with a guy that I thought had great potential with me. We had good times together taking things slow and just relating/hanging out. By the fifth date, however, I knew that he was not right for me. There were red flags, some that would have been avoided had he been completely honest on his dating profile. For instance, he said he was a nonsmoker, but he actually does smoke sometimes. My original search on that dating website wouldn’t have included him if he’d put that he does smoke. I’m a singer for crying out loud… I can’t deal with trying to escape that. Also, there were just things about his demeanor that turned me off and I couldn’t do anything about that either. So today I had to let him down gently. It was sad because he is a nice guy and he treated me exceptionally well. I enjoyed being loved on by him and he is sweet. But it was the right thing to do and the right time. He deserves to know as soon as possible so he can keep searching for the one for him. It made me sad today because I don’t like hurting people. Later today, I got an email from my talented choir director at the church I love asking me if I would want to become a cantor at the church!! I will be going through full training for it!  My sadness turned to joy.  🙂

THESE are doors closing and opening. At the right times. This is when I see God’s beauty. I see his mind-blowing providence for me who He loves. When I walk in truth, I meet His divine plans for me.

Thank you, God! You are astounding.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »