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I am going out with him tonight. This will be our fifth date. I’m excited!

I have totally confused the hell out of myself this week. Sometimes I wonder if I block things that are good-I really hope not. Being in the mental health field, I definitely have learned that is possible.

I know that when we met up last time, I did have moments where I just wanted the date to be over. It wasn’t because I didn’t like him… it was more because I had this uncomfortable-ness. Defining that is hard… I just know that since things between us move slow, it makes it harder for me to sit and be comfortable with him. Does that mean I’m being seen and heard? I remember when I saw the psych for couples counseling with my awful exbf this summer, I felt seen and heard and I told my exbf that. I said that maybe I would want to do individual counseling with the psych (for the breakup), but I was scared. My exbf asked me why I was scared and I said because he really listens to me and sees me and I’ve never had a man do that with me before.

Oh god. I may have issues. The kind of issues where you don’t really realize them consciously. But I kind of just broke that barrier in a way…

So I’ll pay attention tonight to how I feel and why. Pay attention to what’s going on in the moment and how I feel about it.

As far as physical attraction, I’m still not completely sure and I think reading what I wrote above explains a little of why I can’t categorize whether I am or am not. He’s not the absolute usual type I would go for, but I can tell instinct wise that is not the important factor here.

He is a bit shy. We have made out three times and each time he asked me if he could kiss me and then sat there for a second or two seemingly waiting for me to kiss him before he did. Tonight, I will very gently tell him he does not have to ask if he wants to kiss me. It’s a turn off in a way, but at the same time I appreciate that he is respectful. Like I said, I’m so used to other things.

Why am I excited? This is why I’m confused. I feel like there is a deeper part of myself I haven’t really noticed before coming to the light. Last time we were together I wrote that previous post. I thought he probably would not be asking me out again. Honestly, I’m almost starting to see a rejected little girl pushing away goodness so she doesn’t get pushed away first. A girl that is uncomfortable with being in company that sees and hears her, that is appropriate with good boundaries.

I didn’t think he would ask me out again. I thought for sure he could pick up on all those feelings from the last date and wouldn’t want to be around it. But here he is texting me this morning asking me how excited I am for tonight on a scale of 1-10 and then telling me he’s a ten!

I do think that I can’t deny that my first instinct about this with him from the very beginning is probably right. This could be a really really good thing if I just WAIT. If I can just stick it out. Something about me even then knew this would be hard for me. It knew I would be squirming a bit. I also knew it was like a girl and boy next door type of thing and it has been ever since then. It’s been slow and NORMAL.

God, I pray for your guidance and your patience inside of me tonight. I deserve a really good thing and I think this might be one you had in mind for me to experience. Please help me to follow through.

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I’m not an idiot when it comes to guys. I’ve had enough experience with men that have severe issues to know when something is up. I don’t hide under rocks and hope for the best. I don’t kid myself in exchange for continued pleasure.

This is why I was so blunt in my last post. I know F is a douchebag revealing himself overtime. He was completely different before he asked me to be his girlfriend. The chase was over for this could be player and he was in a relationship he wasn’t ready for.

So about the Thanksgiving plans… the ones that I knew instinctually would be thrown out the window though he invited me over his parents house on date #6. This is the text conversation:

F: Hey u, how’s ur day going so far? Small problem, I caught my mom today before heading to work and asked her what the deal is for thanksgiving. Turns out my fathers partner invited them to spend it with them being that their kids are away in college and aren’t coming home for the holidays. So it’s not at my house this year, which is weird. I really don’t think I want to attend that though.

Me nonchalantly texting back, acting oblivious to the fact that he just uprooted a single person’s plans for Thanksgiving without any indication of that being made up for though he invited me. You get more information out of the person when you communicate this way: Hey 🙂 it’s going good. Just meeting w ppl so far. I had no idea this storm was coming! How’s your day been? Hmm I see about Thanksgiving. What do you think you will do then?

F (6 hours later): Ugh what a rough day, I’m just leaving now :/ can’t wait to get home. I have no idea, still kind of taken back by the whole thing; I think they should’ve gave me more notice especially since they know I’m seeing someone. 

You mean, your parents didn’t take care of you and your date for Thanksgiving and inform you, because you are living in their home like an adult child, that they are doing Thanksgiving not revolving around you? That’s if this story is even true. And considering the last time you saw me, for the very first time you didn’t secure plans to see me again, I’d say you knew about this for a while… again if this is even true.

That very well may be the last word spoken from my brain to F’s. You don’t change plans on someone two days before Thanksgiving #1, #2 you definitely apologize!, #3 if you aren’t going to this dinner and I’m obviously not going, why not make plans with me since you extinguished the plans we had… if you are so interested in dating me?

He’s a douchebag. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Not apparent to the naked eye always, but first impressions do say a lot. Mine of F, btw, was exactly this “Aw, he’s a young man who just got over the club scene and is trying to look for something real & serious.” Turns out, F still does go to clubs sometimes.

It’s a good thing I don’t feel I need a man or feel that I need to be single. It’s a good thing that I know that all I want and need to be satisfied in this life is to be happy with me and the life I create for myself.

This is what I’m grateful and thankful for this Thanksgiving. I realize that so many people do not believe or understand this way of living… but it is the truth in my life that I could not have been happier to find.

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I think I love him. Well, I know I do. I may not love him in a HUGE way yet, but I do love him. To me its like the verse that talks about “When you have the faith of a mustard seed….”

There’s something about this man. I think he has a beautiful mind and God knows how attracted I am to his body. He makes me more independent and I like that, too, as much as it scares me to not have him by my side when I do music events. I’m not used to that. I’m used to being enmeshed. I’m not used to having our hearts similar, but some activities different.

I love this man, but I hold back. Because, yes, he does live with his mother. Yes, it’s hard on me to see him so attached to her. I’m jealous. I want him all for myself. But in reality, I see that he loves her appropriately for what they have both been through… losing their husband/father when they were young and his mother having health problems.

I tell him and have told him this is the number one concern for us- that I don’t understand the degree of attachment. I ask him questions… even saying things like, “I really don’t know if this sounds mean or what, but I find myself wondering if you are not married yet because of your mother.” Each time, he has the appropriate answers that show that things are not dysfunctional… just different. Just not easy.

It’s hard for me to let myself love him BIG, because I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to settle. To do that would terrify me. Everything about relationships for me is about if it will make it in the long term. It comes with the territory of having been married once, cheated on, and maturing greatly because of it. I know what I want.

But do I want to be with a man whose mother will be in the picture a great majority of the time? It’s so hard to say no to this one man.

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I am me

My husband is him

We are good people

That love the Lord and follow Him

When trouble comes

We do our best and try

To still love and live

The way Jesus taught us–through dying

But it isn’t enough

All the time

It takes two to tango

It takes two to dine

If the other does not want to reconcile

To share their offense

There’s nothing to I can do

More to help them

The best thing I’ve found is just to pray

To hope for the best and that one day

The other realizes what they’ve lost

And either comes back or learns from the cost

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