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Archive for the ‘Men’ Category

It’s funny how you can’t keep track of things in your own relationship when there is chaos. I read my prior blog post of February 2016. I knew then apparently that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you asked me a month ago, I would have said I didn’t really understand at that time though I had a thought I was. Now I read that I did get it. I still don’t think I fully believed it then, however.

Flash forward to February 2017. He broke up with me in Hawaii. On a vacation that was supposed to be our honeymoon, but turned vacation because he called off the wedding in November 2016. Then soon after, we became girlfriend and boyfriend rather than fiancés.

The pain I endured staying with him from that blog post of February 2016 to the breakup of February 2017 was insurmountable. It was the most emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. If you are reading this and are in an emotionally abusive relationship, leave. Don’t stay. There are always ways to get taken care of by family or friends or resources. Now I’m sitting here working through the fact that I stayed. Sure, I think it was a lesson I had to experience to really understand. But if it helps you to hear it from someone who has been there, a minute more of abuse is a minute less of a happy life. It’s a minute more you have to get over it. Don’t put up with it. Separate or leave. They will treat you how you accept. You are a beautiful human being worthy of respect. I’m sure you didn’t react to abuse and unkindness in a healthy way while it was happening but you are not the perpetrator… you are a victim trying to survive.

Now I sit knowing that I will survive. I wish I didn’t have to feel the pain of regret and now trying to add that with knowing I did the best I could. It’s confusing. Because even if I had cancer and depended on him at the time, it was never worth staying with that treatment. Even if his brother jumped out of a window, it doesn’t give him license to treat me that way. Even if he is struggling in his new job and doesn’t handle the stress well, it doesn’t mean he can take it out on me and then start blaming me for everything. There will never be another excuse that will work to allow emotional abuse or any type of abuse to continue in my life again! Every human being deserves respect and love and apologies when needed.

I forgive you, Julie, for staying. You did not realize the severity and had a hard time believing this is who he really was. That is the cycle of abuse. You are out and that is what is important. You will never go back. You pulled away emotionally when you really, really began to see it for what it was in January 2017. You had thoughts and knew you would leave one day. Thank god it happened sooner than later. You are smart, you are loveable, and you are wise. You will always have your own back and you will never accept less than you deserve in the future. Everyone goes through lessons in life and this was one of yours. It’s okay. It’s alright. You are forgiven and you will heal.

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This, please, just let this be one big, bad, long, dream. I keep saying that in the fights. It comes out of my mouth as a plea, that maybe if I say it, it will create itself. But no such luck, I don’t think.

Let’s spell it out. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. No, it wasn’t always this way. It became a pattern of his behavior. I just got diagnosed with skin cancer and, no, that didn’t stop it. Take a hint, you say. I just had surgery to get the skin cancer removed and now have a big incision that is making walking difficult… no, that didn’t stop it either. Take a hint, you say. It’s harder than you think, I say back. Every one of us has played games in our lives and I thought and hoped that this was all it was. After experiencing his this multiple times through the cancer diagnosis and surgery, it hits home for real with no more guesses. I’m engaged to an emotionally abusive partner. He has become depressed with still no justification for abuse.

I read about how to live with this. Why? Because it looks like financially not a smart thing to do to leave now. Also, because I guess parts of me hopes that he will get better. So these articles say to not become the victim identity. They say to have compassion for your own self and keep your identity. I can do that. I am a strong person- but I know abuse is different. I have learned how to love myself over again and I will do it again and again. I will survive and thrive. This will not stop me. And, btw, no of course I don’t plan to marry someone who is abusing me.

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if i had no limits… if i didn’t wait around for the what ifs… this is what i would do.

i would use my connections to find a good job anywhere. anywhere.

i wouldn’t wait around for a guy to propose to me. i wouldn’t waste my time trying to figure out if he wants to settle down someday. i would just go after my dreams.

i’m 32. i feel like i say that often. it’s an age where you have to decide things. where you don’t waste time. it doesn’t matter what your dreams are, but you have to act if you want them and remove barriers that block them.

the reality is, i have no limits. i have only one life. i can’t wait around for the what ifs… and that is about the only thing i really can’t do.

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Just maybe things are not like all soft and fluffy even half the time.

I mean… maybe reality is reality 100% of the time and the fluffy, magical stuff sifts it’s way through life as incalculable moments. Not predictable, most often not premeditated, in gratefulness-producing ways… maybe that’s how the fluffy, magical stuff happens.

And maybe part of that reality is that you notice this more as you age. You see more reality and less magic because you are the one responsible for your life now…you set the stage for everything… and you are even able to produce life that will experience the magic often until they become of age.

The cool thing is, the older you get, the more the magical fluffy moments mean when they actually do happen. You become even more grateful for them with time.

Perhaps every self aware person with at least average intelligence and normal insight realizes at a certain point during their young adult years that expecting the fluffy, magical stuff to appear at a certain rate or in a certain time frame is setting yourself up for disappointment and a reality check.

I think that is probably, really true. And I think that for me, that night is tonight. I’m 32. I’ve been married before. I’ve lived some life yet. But I think this concept is becoming it’s full self in my brain tonight.

Maybe it really is about doing life, the daily ins and outs, taking enjoyment and meaning from that. When and if those fluffy, magical moments happen, and I think they do for most everyone if their heart is open, they mean so much and provide comfort and stir gratefulness in us.

And it isn’t simply because we are responsible for our lives and set the stage for “everything” that we don’t have as many magical moments as we did when we were younger. I believe it might be because as we mature, we are able to handle less. I believe also that the less that we have in this regard, the more gratefulness we have when those moments do come. When we have more gratefulness in our lives, we are more fulfilled and satisfied as human beings.

This is my theory. I’m still growing up. Tonight I learned just a bit more.

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I trust actions over words.

But then there are times when the actions need the words to explain and that is something I’m not used to. When actions come slower than normal is that the end all be all or does an explanation make it okay? Like if fear stops someone from being affectionate. Stops someone from making the first move a lot of the time.

Or should the slow moves be the only thing I look at? Do they speak for themselves?

I am not used to slow movers. I am not used to people who are afraid of expressing their emotions a good portion of the time through touch and words. What should I make of that?

My instincts told me to “wait” in the beginning… when it was so damn obvious this was completely different from what I have experienced. So what do my instincts tell me now?

They tell me he has trouble expressing his emotions. He is scared of them and scared of being vulnerable. That this will take a while. That’s what my gut says.

My gut also says that he is affectionate because he has been. I’ve noticed the times he is not and it’s when he is stressed out. It’s especially noticeable with work. If he isn’t intimate with me, for most of the time it’s when he is tired. I see that he has become more comfortable and more open about touching me etc since the beginning… less than 6 months ago. He is just slow moving in his progress.

Am I okay with this?

To an extent. I will not be comfortable making the first move all the time… so I won’t. I won’t be comfortable with him not knowing that affection means a lot to me and it’s how I bond. So I’ll reiterate it. I have said that touch was something that helped me experience, but I didn’t say what it meant to me. That’s my responsibility to make it clear.

One thing that has existed from the beginning is that I always feel safe with him. It’s a comfort and it’s underrated. Safe meaning a knowing that his motivations are pure… and to an extent understanding them without words. He is my dual by socionics terms. I wasn’t surprised to find that out a few months into the relationship; that describes how I feel about him and how he has described how he feels about me and from being with me from the get go.

So I’ll stick with this. It’s more than worth it. I like him a lot and even through the difficulty of him expressing his emotions and feeling it hard to be vulnerable. I’ll learn to communicate my needs more with him and not bottle things up inside; this is an unfortunate weakness of mine. So we’ll sharpen each other like swords.

I’m lucky to have this man. Peace is found in this relationship. Safety. Attraction. Joy. Sharing the love of people. Respect. Admiration.

Sometimes, I just have to process things to see them in their real context.

 

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You didn’t tell me

Why didn’t you mention the moments in between

The friends the laughter the nights of serene… bliss

That I’d cry myself to sleep

That I’d cry for the kids I see at work

The pain of not knowing why he is distant from me

The worrying about money that won’t stop and can’t be remedied soon

You didn’t tell me

You didn’t mention the hardships I’d face

The choice I didn’t make to exist and survive despite them wasn’t mine

Why?

Why am I here? Why do I have to be the one to cry?

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THEY WEREN’T GIVEN THE RIGHT?

It’s not that bad, now is it?

How would I know

I am here now and this is all I know.

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Have you ever had one of those? I think this was my first. And I’ll never forget it. I sobbed to God for how grateful I am to have been given a good man. A good down to the soul, just-as-good-as-I-am man. A rock. I have never in my life experienced this before. The sweetest, purest man I have ever had the pleasure of kissing, of holding, and being held by.

My God, thank you! It is beauty. I recognize this man because this is what I am. Could this really be happening to me?

If you knew what I have experienced by the two men I loved most in my life, I guess objectively I was the woman who became so strong (not bitter) that I just learned to live life without thinking something like this would come along.

I am sobbing friends, grateful sobs. I never knew I would experience this. Here it is.

God, you must have seen me. You must have known me. You must have created me to know me, to love me, to give me what I need, and what you knew I would love. Thank you beyond what I can express except through grateful sobs tonight.

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