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Archive for the ‘lonely’ Category

This, please, just let this be one big, bad, long, dream. I keep saying that in the fights. It comes out of my mouth as a plea, that maybe if I say it, it will create itself. But no such luck, I don’t think.

Let’s spell it out. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. No, it wasn’t always this way. It became a pattern of his behavior. I just got diagnosed with skin cancer and, no, that didn’t stop it. Take a hint, you say. I just had surgery to get the skin cancer removed and now have a big incision that is making walking difficult… no, that didn’t stop it either. Take a hint, you say. It’s harder than you think, I say back. Every one of us has played games in our lives and I thought and hoped that this was all it was. After experiencing his this multiple times through the cancer diagnosis and surgery, it hits home for real with no more guesses. I’m engaged to an emotionally abusive partner. He has become depressed with still no justification for abuse.

I read about how to live with this. Why? Because it looks like financially not a smart thing to do to leave now. Also, because I guess parts of me hopes that he will get better. So these articles say to not become the victim identity. They say to have compassion for your own self and keep your identity. I can do that. I am a strong person- but I know abuse is different. I have learned how to love myself over again and I will do it again and again. I will survive and thrive. This will not stop me. And, btw, no of course I don’t plan to marry someone who is abusing me.

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This pain is scary and I want it to go away. It sneaks up like a snake and it slithers around slowly in my brain for a period of time before I make a sudden exit or the snake gets distracted and leaves.

Why does it have to be there when he was such a fucking jerk? I know he didn’t do his most grievous fault of indecision about us out of maliciousness. But why should I have to suffer anymore? Come on. If there are areas in life where it should be easy heartache should be one, right?

I’m so scared subconsciously that I’m going to waste an inordinate amount of time grieving over the loss of this relationship. (could it even be called that?) My friend told me the exact opposite- that because of the situation that he believes that it won’t take an inordinate amount of time before my emotions give way to logic and I’ll be through this. When my friend saw me the other day, he said “in a few more weeks.” God, I hope that’s true. There’s no way that can happen? (no)

I WILL NOT ACCEPT ASSHOLES ANYMORE. I WILL TRUST MYSELF AND EVERY RED FLAG I SEE.

It is not worth it to go through this for men that are not worth it.

I hope one day I can look back at this time with wisdom and a smile of strength and peace because it all worked out okay. I hope.

I want to be with a life partner and I think I want to have kids. I will be 32 years old next month. God help me. Just help me be happy. Give me what I need and what is right above what I think I want.

I’m scared and I hate these moments of pain. Help me sit with it and survive through it. Help me not to settle for ways of rushing through healing.

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I am lonely.

I’m lonely and I’m sitting with it.

It’s almost unbearable.

“What can I do to make it stop? I hate feeling this way!”

I think about the guy I have a crush on. He over heard a conversation I was having telling someone about my divorce in which I didn’t tell them my husband cheated. God…. he could hate me by now.

I am so alone.

Tell me this is going to be a short phase.  Tell me I don’t need to listen to other people telling me to wait a specific time period. Just tell me I’m going to get through this soon.

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