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Archive for the ‘learning’ Category

I’d like to think this is a good use of my time writing on my blog. Actually, I know it is because it is re-centering me right now.

Sister’s Wedding. 

Music for my Sister’s Wedding

Maid of Honor

Did I get the job??

He asked me to move in with him 

And I looked at that just now and noticed something… those are all GOOD GOOD things!

I am stressed though. Unfortunately. And I think now that I am processing it, it is because of my sister and my mother’s communication/behavior. My mom is being controlling and apparently wants me to stay with her the entire time. My sister is not communicating about me possibly staying with the the entire time instead (so I can avoid the control freakishness and have the most peace as possible leading up to the wedding.) Worse case scenario: both of those women are not an option to stay with because my sister doesn’t want me there and I can’t stay with a mother who has outbursts. What will I do then? Rent a hotel room and take a cab ride. Problem solved.

So let me look at that list again. Wow. Those are all awesome things!! I had an interview that went really well at a place I would LOVE to work, my wonderful boyfriend asked me to move in with him, and my sister’s wedding (and it’s almost done!)

I won’t let the bad outweigh the good anymore now that I am literally SEEING this for what it is!  🙂  This was absolutely worth every minute of my time because it has put things into perspective and now I am HAPPY!

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if i had no limits… if i didn’t wait around for the what ifs… this is what i would do.

i would use my connections to find a good job anywhere. anywhere.

i wouldn’t wait around for a guy to propose to me. i wouldn’t waste my time trying to figure out if he wants to settle down someday. i would just go after my dreams.

i’m 32. i feel like i say that often. it’s an age where you have to decide things. where you don’t waste time. it doesn’t matter what your dreams are, but you have to act if you want them and remove barriers that block them.

the reality is, i have no limits. i have only one life. i can’t wait around for the what ifs… and that is about the only thing i really can’t do.

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Just maybe things are not like all soft and fluffy even half the time.

I mean… maybe reality is reality 100% of the time and the fluffy, magical stuff sifts it’s way through life as incalculable moments. Not predictable, most often not premeditated, in gratefulness-producing ways… maybe that’s how the fluffy, magical stuff happens.

And maybe part of that reality is that you notice this more as you age. You see more reality and less magic because you are the one responsible for your life now…you set the stage for everything… and you are even able to produce life that will experience the magic often until they become of age.

The cool thing is, the older you get, the more the magical fluffy moments mean when they actually do happen. You become even more grateful for them with time.

Perhaps every self aware person with at least average intelligence and normal insight realizes at a certain point during their young adult years that expecting the fluffy, magical stuff to appear at a certain rate or in a certain time frame is setting yourself up for disappointment and a reality check.

I think that is probably, really true. And I think that for me, that night is tonight. I’m 32. I’ve been married before. I’ve lived some life yet. But I think this concept is becoming it’s full self in my brain tonight.

Maybe it really is about doing life, the daily ins and outs, taking enjoyment and meaning from that. When and if those fluffy, magical moments happen, and I think they do for most everyone if their heart is open, they mean so much and provide comfort and stir gratefulness in us.

And it isn’t simply because we are responsible for our lives and set the stage for “everything” that we don’t have as many magical moments as we did when we were younger. I believe it might be because as we mature, we are able to handle less. I believe also that the less that we have in this regard, the more gratefulness we have when those moments do come. When we have more gratefulness in our lives, we are more fulfilled and satisfied as human beings.

This is my theory. I’m still growing up. Tonight I learned just a bit more.

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Physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.

It may be an enigma for me.

I wish that it was not so rare. But then how special would it be? Things that great should be far and few between.

I hope that I find a gift of a partner like this. If I don’t, I’ll be happy with myself. I’ve learned how to live the single life now and be honestly happy. There are moments when you are in a relationship and you wish you were single, sometimes more than just moments. And there are sometimes when you are single that you wish you were in a relationship. Life isn’t about what you don’t have-it’s about what you do. Gratefulness.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve chosen wrong people to be with, even when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was wrong. I’ve made passionate love that was better than I could imagine. I’ve not had a good, honest man, that I’ve made passionate love to that was better than I could have dreamt.

I won’t settle for less than physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.  It’s what I deserve if I commit to anyone. It is rare. It is good that it is rare. I’ve learned that I can be happy single and I’ve learned settling is horrible for the human heart.

I will live my life out loud, with joy. That’s what I’ll do. That’s my plan. If there is a partner for me out there, I know that I’ll be open and happy enough for him to find his place next to me.

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There was this guy I met up for drinks with. I knew when I saw him that it was not likely going to be a match. He was shorter than his profile said which subconsciously irked me to begin with. I had to lead the conversation the entire time we talked, which was like two hours, which was exhausting. There were good moments, but that was it. Short story shorter, we decided to be friends. However, I had been noticing as time developed that this guy seemed to have a different personality in person than through text. He was open, kind of too confident, and nice in text. In person he was too quiet, slow moving, and looked a little sad. Besides this acknowledgement, I had a gut feeling he was emotionally a little off or perpetually raw for some reason.

I decided to meet up with him as friends so last night we went to a restaurant and ate dinner at the bar. By this time, I knew that what I was doing at the end of the day was once again testing my good instinct if anything else. To me, there was only the tiniest of chances that we would actually really be friends, but that was something worth meeting up for if it was possible. So I went though I wanted to cancel so many times.

Instinct was right on par. He was even sadder this time, likely due to not really being able to be friends and have good spirits about it. The conversation was so trying. I knew it was going to be a long dinner. The vibe I got was that he was a little angry. When I broached the topic of being single and just talked about that life in general, just like the first date, he talked about how abnormal people are out there….how there are so many messed up people and that you have to sift through so many weird ones to get to the normal ones. I get that… but to talk about it like he did and each time I’ve seen him just makes me realize (like my gut was telling me), he is one of the “not okay” ones spouting out that everyone else is crazy. I don’t trust people that make the dating scene seem like it’s full of weirdos to an inordinate extent. It just singles you out even more!

Anyway, I won’t be pursuing a friendship with this guy. And in the realm of finding out if my instincts are as good as I have found them to be, I affirmed that again last night with this situation.

In good news, the guy I have seen three times now and have a good feeling about asked me out again.

And on a random note, but maybe not so much, I want to repost a great video that I found on a blog over three years ago. It’s pretty famous, but in case anyone wants to revisit it or discover it, enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

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Today is Thursday. Last Wednesday I broke up with a boyfriend. Thursday, Thanksgiving I wasn’t sure if I had somewhere where to go until around noon. And Friday, my ex-boyfriend who broke my heart before the last one I had called me after 4 months of no contact.

I’ve been hard on myself wondering why the past few days I’ve been more irritable, haven’t cleaned my house, found it harder to exercise. Seriously? Give myself a break.

The breakup wasn’t a big deal at all because we weren’t emotionally close… but it does mean I’m adjusting to not having anyone again. Not knowing where I would be on Thanksgiving and possibly being really alone for the first time on a Holiday was scary. And that phone call from my ex who I broke up with this summer, the one that really played with my heart, was jarring to say the least. It’s still jarring me. It’s made me think about him everyday since and I stopped thinking about him a long time ago. It’s made me miss him and then I feel stupid for missing someone that immature and that treated me so poorly!

I’ve even been tempted to call or text him. LOL. And I beat. myself. up.  You foolish girl.

The sex was great, our demeanors were great together, our playfulness great, there was a lot that was great.

There was even more that was horribly hurtful and sick.

Nothing is ever black and white. As much as I wanted to think it would be a logical moving on… because he was a jerk and I then became unattracted to that… it is not that at all. I miss what we had right now. Then–poof–I realize there was another woman ever present… his mother. Even if he ever does move out… still attached inappropriately. Not to mention this is the man who convinced his whole doctoral class who are school psychologists that I have a disorder (that the couples counseling psychologist said I did not have, but said he essentially does have to a degree)! What kind of high skill manipulation does that take?! They never even met me and these are educated folks!

sigh. The call jolted me. I sat and stared at the phone the whole time it rang.

my god. I have been beating myself up. Because of jerks!

STOP.

It’s ok to let your house go to shit when you experience a breakup small or big, Thanksgiving is up in the air, and a really bad exbf calls out of the blue! IT’S OK! You just haven’t been through this before. It’s OK to be irritable inside, to feel a little down, to find it hard not to get as many texts.

You don’t have to be so strong as to not notice when hard things come up that it’s OK to go through them. Feel them. Connect the feelings to the actual hard things you went through?!?!

That’s why you have been feeling down. For only a few freakin’ days even! Mystery solved. You are normal.

I’m so glad I just talked to myself on the internet. Therapy is free here.

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I think I might be using him. Or did tonight. Who would have ever thought?

I had the opportunity to talk to him about being unexclusive possibly. I found myself not really wanting to have a serious conversation tonight and possibly ruin the mood. You see, on Friday night I ended up having a conversation with him on the phone. It was a serious one which resulted in me saying… “Why are we even dating still?” To which he said “Are you saying you don’t want to?” And I said bla bla blah.

There’s a big backstory. He is in the middle of a short sale, the short sale is taking a long time (like a yr), and though it should be finished in January for sure, he has had to live with friends after his lease ended in August and now his parents temporarily until January. He will also be gone for four weeks in Portugal, too, before the short sale comes to a close in January. I’m boring myself talking about this. Suffice it to say, the reason my last relationship ended (the main reason) is now what F is doing… living with his parents. I told him this is making me uncomfy and told him I am only telling him this because I want him to know what’s going on with me and not keep secrets. He understood, but at the same time doesn’t like how my past affects this now. I told him… “Of course it affects me, but the main thing is that this relationship feels a bit lopsided. I can’t go over your house and see how you live and take care of yourself. I have shared all this with you. I don’t feel like I can get to know you as well as I should be right now.”

So that’s where we are… but Friday night’s phone call was tense & it ended with F saying he wanted to keep going and see where things go for a bit.

Whatever.

So tonight we did our usual dinner and then come back to my place. It was a light hearted night. It occurred to me after he left that this was the first time he didn’t secure plans with me for the next time we get together. Therefore the obvious is that we might not be getting together again. And that is obvious because this week is Thanksgiving… and though he invited me over his house to Thanksgiving and to meet his parents, that was on date number 6 when F was much more happy and less stressed out.

I have no idea what he will do this week. He could have just used me tonight just to be with me one last time. I could ask, but you know what? I’m so damn curious as to how he is going to handle this. I want to see if he actually is going to have me over to meet his parents. In the meantime, I already today asked my best friend if I could join them for Thanksgiving so I have backup plans.

Did I get used tonight? Time will tell. But I did use F; I totally avoided adult conversation so that the mood wasn’t ruined and the night ended with a good time. Who would have thought.

And you know what? I’m going to force myself to be honest right now. Partially so I can process this and also so I can relate to you all out there.

I hope that F didn’t use me. It would hurt my pride and I’ve never had this kind of experience. But then I say, “I used F tonight.” I did, but I didn’t do it in a planned out way. I just don’t like thinking someone had the upper hand on me. I’m sure that isn’t uncommon, but I don’t like that about me. I wish I could just c’est la vie – it and not let it bother me. It’s about vulnerability, I guess. I know the best partnerships out there exude vulnerability and trust. Hopefully, I’ll get better at vulnerability as I go along.

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