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Archive for the ‘ironic’ Category

I think I might be using him. Or did tonight. Who would have ever thought?

I had the opportunity to talk to him about being unexclusive possibly. I found myself not really wanting to have a serious conversation tonight and possibly ruin the mood. You see, on Friday night I ended up having a conversation with him on the phone. It was a serious one which resulted in me saying… “Why are we even dating still?” To which he said “Are you saying you don’t want to?” And I said bla bla blah.

There’s a big backstory. He is in the middle of a short sale, the short sale is taking a long time (like a yr), and though it should be finished in January for sure, he has had to live with friends after his lease ended in August and now his parents temporarily until January. He will also be gone for four weeks in Portugal, too, before the short sale comes to a close in January. I’m boring myself talking about this. Suffice it to say, the reason my last relationship ended (the main reason) is now what F is doing… living with his parents. I told him this is making me uncomfy and told him I am only telling him this because I want him to know what’s going on with me and not keep secrets. He understood, but at the same time doesn’t like how my past affects this now. I told him… “Of course it affects me, but the main thing is that this relationship feels a bit lopsided. I can’t go over your house and see how you live and take care of yourself. I have shared all this with you. I don’t feel like I can get to know you as well as I should be right now.”

So that’s where we are… but Friday night’s phone call was tense & it ended with F saying he wanted to keep going and see where things go for a bit.

Whatever.

So tonight we did our usual dinner and then come back to my place. It was a light hearted night. It occurred to me after he left that this was the first time he didn’t secure plans with me for the next time we get together. Therefore the obvious is that we might not be getting together again. And that is obvious because this week is Thanksgiving… and though he invited me over his house to Thanksgiving and to meet his parents, that was on date number 6 when F was much more happy and less stressed out.

I have no idea what he will do this week. He could have just used me tonight just to be with me one last time. I could ask, but you know what? I’m so damn curious as to how he is going to handle this. I want to see if he actually is going to have me over to meet his parents. In the meantime, I already today asked my best friend if I could join them for Thanksgiving so I have backup plans.

Did I get used tonight? Time will tell. But I did use F; I totally avoided adult conversation so that the mood wasn’t ruined and the night ended with a good time. Who would have thought.

And you know what? I’m going to force myself to be honest right now. Partially so I can process this and also so I can relate to you all out there.

I hope that F didn’t use me. It would hurt my pride and I’ve never had this kind of experience. But then I say, “I used F tonight.” I did, but I didn’t do it in a planned out way. I just don’t like thinking someone had the upper hand on me. I’m sure that isn’t uncommon, but I don’t like that about me. I wish I could just c’est la vie – it and not let it bother me. It’s about vulnerability, I guess. I know the best partnerships out there exude vulnerability and trust. Hopefully, I’ll get better at vulnerability as I go along.

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This is weird.

So there is a post on this blog that is not a poem and it’s the only one besides the introduction. And this is the one I’m referencing: https://abrajewels.wordpress.com/2008/10/09/this-is-for-real/ 

What I didn’t say in this post is that my vision was in a Catholic church. I couldn’t be that honest with myself back then. And it didn’t make sense and I didn’t want it to; I was a Protestant. But it was as real as day just like the rest of the vision was that I was in a Catholic church.

The next part gets even better. Brad wasn’t there. He wasn’t part of the band or anything.

The whole vision was me just seeing the floor, my shoes, and the end of my dress. The rest was knowing. Both senses were equally important and mattered just was much as the other.

Brad wasn’t there and it was in a Catholic church.

Today Brad isn’t here and I’m Catholic.

I am heavily involved in the music at my church and have been ever since he left in December.

Now think about that with the rest of the vision.

Coincidence? I THINK NOT. This vision happened before I found out Brad cheated on me. Soon after this post everything began to fall apart. This vision happened over 2 years and 8 months ago.

It was meant for this time in my life after Brad left. Part of the knowing is that I was young in the vision like I am now.

Wow.

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