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Archive for the ‘In the moment’ Category

I want to be as greatly successful was Dr. Wayne Dyer. As Maya Angelo was. Not for the fame, not for the money, but because I trust myself. I know the wisdom that I have and the ways that I follow in the Spirit.

How do I even begin?

I guess I would just keep following in the Spirit. God knows the plans he has for me as trite as it sounds. So I’ll press into that.

Things that were awesome today:

My boyfriend gave me a key to his home. 🙂

I mentioned that I loved him for the first time after that. 🙂

I closed at the coffee house for the first time.

I get out of work before dinner time.

I did my squats for the day.

I took steps toward a long application procedure for becoming licensed in my other career degree.

I talked to my mom.

I like reminding myself of the awesome things in a single day so that I can see the big picture even when I’m stressed. Life is too short not to notice the best things. 🙂

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You didn’t tell me

Why didn’t you mention the moments in between

The friends the laughter the nights of serene… bliss

That I’d cry myself to sleep

That I’d cry for the kids I see at work

The pain of not knowing why he is distant from me

The worrying about money that won’t stop and can’t be remedied soon

You didn’t tell me

You didn’t mention the hardships I’d face

The choice I didn’t make to exist and survive despite them wasn’t mine

Why?

Why am I here? Why do I have to be the one to cry?

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THEY WEREN’T GIVEN THE RIGHT?

It’s not that bad, now is it?

How would I know

I am here now and this is all I know.

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I am going out with him tonight. This will be our fifth date. I’m excited!

I have totally confused the hell out of myself this week. Sometimes I wonder if I block things that are good-I really hope not. Being in the mental health field, I definitely have learned that is possible.

I know that when we met up last time, I did have moments where I just wanted the date to be over. It wasn’t because I didn’t like him… it was more because I had this uncomfortable-ness. Defining that is hard… I just know that since things between us move slow, it makes it harder for me to sit and be comfortable with him. Does that mean I’m being seen and heard? I remember when I saw the psych for couples counseling with my awful exbf this summer, I felt seen and heard and I told my exbf that. I said that maybe I would want to do individual counseling with the psych (for the breakup), but I was scared. My exbf asked me why I was scared and I said because he really listens to me and sees me and I’ve never had a man do that with me before.

Oh god. I may have issues. The kind of issues where you don’t really realize them consciously. But I kind of just broke that barrier in a way…

So I’ll pay attention tonight to how I feel and why. Pay attention to what’s going on in the moment and how I feel about it.

As far as physical attraction, I’m still not completely sure and I think reading what I wrote above explains a little of why I can’t categorize whether I am or am not. He’s not the absolute usual type I would go for, but I can tell instinct wise that is not the important factor here.

He is a bit shy. We have made out three times and each time he asked me if he could kiss me and then sat there for a second or two seemingly waiting for me to kiss him before he did. Tonight, I will very gently tell him he does not have to ask if he wants to kiss me. It’s a turn off in a way, but at the same time I appreciate that he is respectful. Like I said, I’m so used to other things.

Why am I excited? This is why I’m confused. I feel like there is a deeper part of myself I haven’t really noticed before coming to the light. Last time we were together I wrote that previous post. I thought he probably would not be asking me out again. Honestly, I’m almost starting to see a rejected little girl pushing away goodness so she doesn’t get pushed away first. A girl that is uncomfortable with being in company that sees and hears her, that is appropriate with good boundaries.

I didn’t think he would ask me out again. I thought for sure he could pick up on all those feelings from the last date and wouldn’t want to be around it. But here he is texting me this morning asking me how excited I am for tonight on a scale of 1-10 and then telling me he’s a ten!

I do think that I can’t deny that my first instinct about this with him from the very beginning is probably right. This could be a really really good thing if I just WAIT. If I can just stick it out. Something about me even then knew this would be hard for me. It knew I would be squirming a bit. I also knew it was like a girl and boy next door type of thing and it has been ever since then. It’s been slow and NORMAL.

God, I pray for your guidance and your patience inside of me tonight. I deserve a really good thing and I think this might be one you had in mind for me to experience. Please help me to follow through.

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I have so much joy! I smile randomly so often. I don’t ever feel alone. I have great friends. I am HAPPY!

And I just wanted to say that on here. Because I don’t remember well when I last felt this good except that I know it was before I was married.

I am really so blessed and so fortunate to have my life and I am so overjoyed. No drugs, no nothing making me feel this way except gratitude. Thank you, God, for everything you have placed in my way.

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I’m gonna move on

I might be here now
But I’m gonna move on

Not stuck in the past

But I’m gonna move on

Not sitting here working a dead end job

I’m gonna move on. I’m gonna move on.

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