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Archive for the ‘hurt’ Category

It’s funny how you can’t keep track of things in your own relationship when there is chaos. I read my prior blog post of February 2016. I knew then apparently that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you asked me a month ago, I would have said I didn’t really understand at that time though I had a thought I was. Now I read that I did get it. I still don’t think I fully believed it then, however.

Flash forward to February 2017. He broke up with me in Hawaii. On a vacation that was supposed to be our honeymoon, but turned vacation because he called off the wedding in November 2016. Then soon after, we became girlfriend and boyfriend rather than fiancés.

The pain I endured staying with him from that blog post of February 2016 to the breakup of February 2017 was insurmountable. It was the most emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. If you are reading this and are in an emotionally abusive relationship, leave. Don’t stay. There are always ways to get taken care of by family or friends or resources. Now I’m sitting here working through the fact that I stayed. Sure, I think it was a lesson I had to experience to really understand. But if it helps you to hear it from someone who has been there, a minute more of abuse is a minute less of a happy life. It’s a minute more you have to get over it. Don’t put up with it. Separate or leave. They will treat you how you accept. You are a beautiful human being worthy of respect. I’m sure you didn’t react to abuse and unkindness in a healthy way while it was happening but you are not the perpetrator… you are a victim trying to survive.

Now I sit knowing that I will survive. I wish I didn’t have to feel the pain of regret and now trying to add that with knowing I did the best I could. It’s confusing. Because even if I had cancer and depended on him at the time, it was never worth staying with that treatment. Even if his brother jumped out of a window, it doesn’t give him license to treat me that way. Even if he is struggling in his new job and doesn’t handle the stress well, it doesn’t mean he can take it out on me and then start blaming me for everything. There will never be another excuse that will work to allow emotional abuse or any type of abuse to continue in my life again! Every human being deserves respect and love and apologies when needed.

I forgive you, Julie, for staying. You did not realize the severity and had a hard time believing this is who he really was. That is the cycle of abuse. You are out and that is what is important. You will never go back. You pulled away emotionally when you really, really began to see it for what it was in January 2017. You had thoughts and knew you would leave one day. Thank god it happened sooner than later. You are smart, you are loveable, and you are wise. You will always have your own back and you will never accept less than you deserve in the future. Everyone goes through lessons in life and this was one of yours. It’s okay. It’s alright. You are forgiven and you will heal.

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You didn’t tell me

Why didn’t you mention the moments in between

The friends the laughter the nights of serene… bliss

That I’d cry myself to sleep

That I’d cry for the kids I see at work

The pain of not knowing why he is distant from me

The worrying about money that won’t stop and can’t be remedied soon

You didn’t tell me

You didn’t mention the hardships I’d face

The choice I didn’t make to exist and survive despite them wasn’t mine

Why?

Why am I here? Why do I have to be the one to cry?

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THEY WEREN’T GIVEN THE RIGHT?

It’s not that bad, now is it?

How would I know

I am here now and this is all I know.

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This pain is scary and I want it to go away. It sneaks up like a snake and it slithers around slowly in my brain for a period of time before I make a sudden exit or the snake gets distracted and leaves.

Why does it have to be there when he was such a fucking jerk? I know he didn’t do his most grievous fault of indecision about us out of maliciousness. But why should I have to suffer anymore? Come on. If there are areas in life where it should be easy heartache should be one, right?

I’m so scared subconsciously that I’m going to waste an inordinate amount of time grieving over the loss of this relationship. (could it even be called that?) My friend told me the exact opposite- that because of the situation that he believes that it won’t take an inordinate amount of time before my emotions give way to logic and I’ll be through this. When my friend saw me the other day, he said “in a few more weeks.” God, I hope that’s true. There’s no way that can happen? (no)

I WILL NOT ACCEPT ASSHOLES ANYMORE. I WILL TRUST MYSELF AND EVERY RED FLAG I SEE.

It is not worth it to go through this for men that are not worth it.

I hope one day I can look back at this time with wisdom and a smile of strength and peace because it all worked out okay. I hope.

I want to be with a life partner and I think I want to have kids. I will be 32 years old next month. God help me. Just help me be happy. Give me what I need and what is right above what I think I want.

I’m scared and I hate these moments of pain. Help me sit with it and survive through it. Help me not to settle for ways of rushing through healing.

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I’ve learned life with peace is something that you should choose to have when you have the choice to have it. It’s the thing that I wouldn’t have pointed out would happen after we parted ways. Not because I couldn’t logically fathom it, but because I wouldn’t have realized the significance of it being mentioned.

My life is peaceful.

It’s the first time I’ve had peace in at least a year and a half. Doesn’t mean I wasn’t happy sometimes. But then again, I wasn’t completely happy. Peace is such an important part of being happy I suppose.

I broke up with him in the evening on Friday, July 12. It was unavoidable. He is devastated. One day I’ll have the energy to write about what happened and why. Right now, I’m just sticking with what feels right and not pushing myself to do anything.

I’m enjoying the peace.

Despite the painful times.

Despite the questions for a new future.

I’m in awe of the peace.

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I have PTSD. I dread writing this post. My last post was in May 2012 so as you can see blogging is not really my thing. Sigh.

I’m doing this because I’m trying to take care of myself. To talk through things. I’m in therapy; I have been for over 2 years. I went through a divorce and started going to therapy one month before my ex and I separated because I knew I wasn’t doing well mentally.

I’m in a relationship now and we just celebrated our one year anniversary last weekend. We’ve known each other since October 2011. I love him. But my PTSD is causing a lot of problems in our relationship. I don’t know why he stays with me. I know that he loves me comparably to anyone who has loved me the most in my life. He is stable. He’s strong.

The last time I saw him I felt for the first time that there was a sort of thin wall in front of me. I couldn’t feel things with him like I always have. This was the first time. I’m terrified it won’t be the last. I’m so scared this PTSD is going to ruin me and us.

Somebody please give me encouragement and support. My reactions scare me. Have you had PTSD? Mine is from my bad marriage where the person I was with cheated on me numerous times, yes, but also was suicidal and cut himself.

Any encouragement is welcome.

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Enough said? It probably should have been. But then he told me that she had a stroke and he helps her because she doesn’t function like she used to. I believed him… why wouldn’t I?

We dated. I fell in love with him. We became exclusive. I asked for it. We had rough times and I broke up with him once. I tried to break up with him another 2 times. He wouldn’t let me go… I didn’t want to let him go. He told me he loves me. I told him I have loved him and do. He got into a doctoral program… so happy for him!

And today. I sit. In the same boat. Unhappy in between the times I am not with him. Because he lives with his mother and takes care of her and she takes care of him. He is parentified because of all he went through growing up with his parents…his dad died when he was 16. His mom never dated again. He has only lived alone when he went off to college for grad school. In undergrad he came home every weekend.

And here I sit. Now really processing it all. And I love him. And he really loves me. But his mom is there and she will be until she dies.

And how will he be when she dies?

This is a horrible situation to be in. To love someone you know can’t give you everything you want.

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Chameleon

She loved him so much
It made her skinny
Bones in her wrists and veins stick out pretty
A whole new wardrobe with his money she bought
Out with her friends she doesn’t eat a lot

oh oh oh when will she see
Changing yourself like a chameleon isn’t free
You can’t be real and have high regards
In a life full of masks and ignoring your heart

Self justification is a powerful thing
It’ll keep you blind to what freedom really means
You have to find a reason to make everything OK
While scars pile on your heart leading to decay

She’s playing out roles she knows she is not
Playing mommy to kids and now a wife she is not
She gave her whole self to this one man
Without any commitment her heart’s in his hands

oh oh oh when will she see
Changing yourself like a chameleon isn’t free
You can’t be real and have high regards
In a life full of masks and ignoring your heart

I’d like to give her advice from her own heart
That spoke unabashedly before her integrity was bought
“I don’t see why people settle,” she said
Talking about relationships with boys & husbands in the end
“What happened to her?” I ask myself now
“Did she just get tired of waiting or worse..lazy?”
My heart aches for hers and the life she has
But all I can do is love her in ways she understands

oh oh oh when will she see
Changing yourself like a chameleon isn’t free
You can’t be real and have high regards
In a life full of masks and ignoring your heart

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