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Archive for the ‘humble’ Category

Have you ever had one of those? I think this was my first. And I’ll never forget it. I sobbed to God for how grateful I am to have been given a good man. A good down to the soul, just-as-good-as-I-am man. A rock. I have never in my life experienced this before. The sweetest, purest man I have ever had the pleasure of kissing, of holding, and being held by.

My God, thank you! It is beauty. I recognize this man because this is what I am. Could this really be happening to me?

If you knew what I have experienced by the two men I loved most in my life, I guess objectively I was the woman who became so strong (not bitter) that I just learned to live life without thinking something like this would come along.

I am sobbing friends, grateful sobs. I never knew I would experience this. Here it is.

God, you must have seen me. You must have known me. You must have created me to know me, to love me, to give me what I need, and what you knew I would love. Thank you beyond what I can express except through grateful sobs tonight.

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“Are you my girlfriend?”

“I’d love to be your girlfriend.”

“You’re my girlfriend.”

“Yay! That makes me really happy.”

“That makes me happy, too.”

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Thirty-two is full of serendipity. Floating wisdom that sprinkles down at moments that matter. Time to stand in the kitchen to swirl around at the freedom I feel by confidence and singledom. 32 is planned with a structure fleeting at the drop of a dime with free-minded friends strolling through prestigious towns and bumping into moments that change my life. It’s beauty in captured, unexpected moments. Relationships deepened and secure. It’s grand… 32 is grand without the luxury that I ever thought I’d end up having. It’s organic and real, harsh and intricately beautiful. Providential and loving. 32 is totally me.

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This has been the theme of my life after making good decisions with guys. And the watching of the new door opening is NOT a new guy coming into my life.  😉

I went through a very tough breakup in July as I blogged about in previous posts. This relationship came to a slow painful wind down over months and then to a screeching halt in a matter of a week. During that time, an opportunity presented itself to become a part of a great and talented band. The week that I found out I made it was the same week that I had to break up with him. This band was my saving grace and my driving force to help me through my recovery.

I went out on 5 dates with a guy that I thought had great potential with me. We had good times together taking things slow and just relating/hanging out. By the fifth date, however, I knew that he was not right for me. There were red flags, some that would have been avoided had he been completely honest on his dating profile. For instance, he said he was a nonsmoker, but he actually does smoke sometimes. My original search on that dating website wouldn’t have included him if he’d put that he does smoke. I’m a singer for crying out loud… I can’t deal with trying to escape that. Also, there were just things about his demeanor that turned me off and I couldn’t do anything about that either. So today I had to let him down gently. It was sad because he is a nice guy and he treated me exceptionally well. I enjoyed being loved on by him and he is sweet. But it was the right thing to do and the right time. He deserves to know as soon as possible so he can keep searching for the one for him. It made me sad today because I don’t like hurting people. Later today, I got an email from my talented choir director at the church I love asking me if I would want to become a cantor at the church!! I will be going through full training for it!  My sadness turned to joy.  🙂

THESE are doors closing and opening. At the right times. This is when I see God’s beauty. I see his mind-blowing providence for me who He loves. When I walk in truth, I meet His divine plans for me.

Thank you, God! You are astounding.

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I log on to write a post about how I see how I’ve matured in a very important area over the last few months and I get a notification that it’s my five-year anniversary on this blog! That kind of gave a whole new perspective on how much I’ve grown!

I’ve learned how to have a life and be happy even while I don’t know what’s coming next in my romantic relationship. Anybody that has fought this battle knows it is a battle that has to be fought for to win. I’m not saying I have mastered it to a “T”, but I’m living it out now. I am REALLY happy. I just went to a young adults event where I got to talk to some old friends, started to make new ones, and connected with current ones– I am soaring! And then I talked with my bf briefly about some of the things that I don’t know about (as far as staying in a relationship) and it didn’t even “shake my foundation” which is how it usually feels. I’m grateful. This is the Jewels I’ve wanted for so long and I know that it takes maintaining. It’s taking care of myself. I am proud of the work I have done to get me here. And I am grateful for the love, friendship, and family that allowed it to happen.

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If you love someone, I say don’t rush things.  Don’t let your misunderstanding or not understanding of anything and the pursuing anxiety take over. BE PATIENT. Give things time.

I broke up with him for the second time. It was the same night as my last post. I thought I was doing the right thing. And you know what? I did the best I could. It really couldn’t have happened any other way for me.

But it was not the right thing to do.

I never understood if he was a Mama’s boy. I was on the lookout for one. I had one before and I never, ever want one again. But I couldn’t even say that term to him in conversation about it because I didn’t want to insult him. Instead I tried to talk things out and see if I could figure out what was important to him and add that to what I saw. But I never got a clear answer. And because of that… I let anxiety take over and just broke it off.

What I wanted to know is: “Do you have room in your life for me?” “Do you want to have room in your life for me?”

After we broke up, I found it in me to ask him the hard questions I couldn’t before and to use the term Mama’s boy. I guess, I didn’t have anything to lose. I told him about what a Mama’s boy is and the bounty of them in the south, how my ex was one, and how I found a different version of them in Italian form when I moved up here. 🙂 It wasn’t easy for me to say that, especially since he is Italian, but I wanted him to understand where I was coming from. I didn’t do it in a mean way. And you know what, I got the answers I had wanted. He in fact, is not a Mama’s boy. But we were broken up. What I learned from that is you have to ask and state what you need. Period. You do it in the nicest way you can do and not worry too much about others reactions.

If I had the capacity and knowledge to not let my anxiety about ending up with a Mama’s boy take over… make a repeat of a past mistake… I never would have broken up with him. I would have kept asking questions and asked the hard ones. I would have been patient with understanding and coming to a conclusion. I would have went to couples counseling to help understand this issue like he suggested.

I really hurt him by breaking up with him.

He never stopped pursuing me over the next 4 days until we got back into a relationship with each other. But I didn’t realize the hurt I caused him until after we got back together. We talked openly about it because it naturally came up. I really listened. And in a separate conversation so he could know I really meant it and wasn’t just responding that night, I sincerely apologized to him for breaking up with him both times. I told him that I would not hurt him like that again.

I am a really good person. But I have my flaws and lessons to go through just like everyone else. This was a particularly  hard one for me because the worst thing I feel I can do is hurt someone else and I did that. So I’m sharing it.

He doesn’t trust people easily. And that night when I apologized he really appreciated it and told me that it’s just going to take time to build trust. He explained that his feelings towards me were damaged because he is hurt, but that he believes it can work out. I asked him if he was happy being in a relationship with me and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to be in this relationship and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to see us work out and he said yes. Over the next couple of days it was really tough for me anxiety wise. I didn’t know if he would break up with me over putting up walls or if he could trust me again. But those questions and “yes” responses provided a foundation for me during those anxious times to help me know he is “for us.”

But then something shifted. Something really changed. I have no idea as introspective as I am what it is. But I suddenly just had peace. I had relaxation and faith that everything is good. Even just this past week my therapist mentioned she had seen a change…that I seem really satisfied or something to that effect.. that the anxiety wasn’t there.

And he has begun to trust me much more quickly than I anticipated. I would think it has a lot to do with the unexplained peace that I have which he undoubtedly picks up on. He opens up to me and that to me indicates that there is trust there.

I look up to this man. I respect him. And I really love him.

You just never know.

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I am very highly caffeinated. Today I can testify that caffeine is for sure a mood enhancer!

I woke up with only about 5.5 hours of sleep. It was crappy and I can’t stand when that happens. So I expected today to be very hard to get through.

I came into to work and got going on a final paper for class-I was making good progress and was excited to get it done. Then I was invited to go out in the field with M.

I love going out in the field-period. Then I was excited to go with M in particular, who I’ve never gone with before.

It was the best time! We even had a conversation about the word cawfee, chawcolate, and y’all. To have that conversation with a New Jersey native was hilarious and a full circle moment for me! I mean, in high school in Leesburg, GA my friends and I used to try to emulate this accent and here I was years later tawking with a real jersey girl. We were laughing so much! She tried to say “coffee” and “talk” normal and it was so funny!

So today I thought… just when you think things most definitely will be crappy… you never know. Each day is worth waking up for.

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