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Archive for the ‘happy’ Category

Cloud 9 in the middle of nonsense. Didn’t know that was possible, but I am happy to be here!

I never knew of this much happiness. Literally, my brain must have expanded it’s capacity of neurons to allow for it. I love him with all my heart, my body, and soul. I honestly have felt like I am in a dream these last 10 months! It has gone by so fast.

Safe. Peace. Comfort. Appreciation. Maturity. and most of all Love. I am loved and I love him. I can’t spell it any more clearly and too bad emoticons can only describe and not let you feel the feelings I have!

There are other things in my life happening that are in no way serious, but they haven’t felt great. They aren’t fair things. But they have happened and exist. Forgive me for being so vague, but the timing of this¬†post and it’s publicness would produce a disaster if anyone that was involved found out so that’s all I can really say. But just like in anyone’s life, there are minor discomforts or events that come up that aren’t pleasant and do pass on but take you by surprise when they happen. That has happened a lot lately. But yet, as this post indicates… I am on cloud 9 and it seems nothing can touch that cloud way up there!! ūüôā

I am extremely grateful for my life and all I have in it. I am surprised at being so HAPPY. I am not the author of my life though I do have free will, which I am so eager to have. Therefore, I exclaim gratefulness for my awesome journey and enjoy each moment while it lasts!

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I’d like to think this is a good use of my time writing on my blog. Actually, I know it is because it is re-centering me right now.

Sister’s Wedding.¬†

Music for my Sister’s Wedding

Maid of Honor

Did I get the job??

He asked me to move in with him 

And I looked at that just now and noticed something… those are all GOOD GOOD things!

I am stressed though. Unfortunately. And I think now that I am processing it, it is because of my sister and my mother’s communication/behavior. My mom is being controlling and apparently wants me to stay with her the entire time. My sister is not communicating about me possibly staying with the the entire time instead (so I can avoid the control freakishness and have the most peace as possible leading up to the wedding.) Worse case scenario: both of those women are not an option to stay with because¬†my sister doesn’t want me there and I can’t stay with a mother who has outbursts. What will I do then? Rent a hotel room and take a cab ride. Problem solved.

So let me look at that list again. Wow. Those are all awesome things!! I had an interview that went really well at a place I would LOVE to work, my wonderful boyfriend asked me to move in with him, and my sister’s wedding (and it’s almost done!)

I won’t let the bad outweigh the good anymore now that I am literally SEEING this for what it is! ¬†ūüôā ¬†This was absolutely worth every minute of my time because it has put things into perspective and now I am HAPPY!

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if i had no limits… if i didn’t wait around for the what ifs… this is what i would do.

i would use my connections to find a good job anywhere. anywhere.

i wouldn’t wait around for a guy to propose to me. i wouldn’t waste my time trying to figure out if he wants to settle down someday. i would just go after my dreams.

i’m 32. i feel like i say that often. it’s an age where you have to decide things. where you don’t waste time. it doesn’t matter what your dreams are, but you have to act if you want them and remove barriers that block them.

the reality is, i have no limits. i have only one life. i can’t wait around for the what ifs… and that is about the only thing i really can’t do.

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Just maybe things are not like all soft and fluffy even half the time.

I mean… maybe reality is reality 100% of the time and the fluffy, magical stuff sifts it’s way through¬†life as¬†incalculable moments. Not predictable, most often not premeditated, in gratefulness-producing ways… maybe that’s how the fluffy, magical stuff happens.

And maybe part of that reality is that you notice this more as you age. You see more reality and less magic because you are the one responsible for your life now…you set the stage for everything… and you are even able to produce life that will experience the magic often until they become of age.

The cool thing is, the older you get, the more the magical fluffy moments mean when they actually do happen. You become even more grateful for them with time.

Perhaps every self aware person with at least average intelligence and normal insight realizes at a certain point during their young adult years that expecting the fluffy, magical stuff to appear at a certain rate or in a certain time frame is setting yourself up for disappointment and a reality check.

I think that is probably, really true. And I think that for me, that night is tonight. I’m 32. I’ve been married before. I’ve lived some life yet. But I think this concept is becoming it’s full self in my brain tonight.

Maybe it really is about doing life, the daily ins and outs, taking enjoyment and meaning from that. When and if those fluffy, magical moments happen, and I think they do for most everyone if their heart is open, they mean so much and provide comfort and stir gratefulness in us.

And it isn’t simply because we are responsible for our lives and set the stage for “everything” that we don’t have as many magical moments as we did when we were younger. I believe it might be because as we mature, we are able to handle less. I believe also that the less that we have in this regard, the more gratefulness we have when those moments do come. When we have more gratefulness in our lives, we are more fulfilled and satisfied as human beings.

This is my theory. I’m still growing up. Tonight I learned just a bit more.

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Have you ever had one of those? I think this was my first. And I’ll never forget it. I sobbed to God for how grateful I am to have been given a good man. A good down to the soul, just-as-good-as-I-am man. A rock. I have never in my life experienced this before. The sweetest, purest man I have ever had the pleasure of kissing, of holding, and being held by.

My God, thank you! It is beauty. I recognize this man because this is what I am. Could this really be happening to me?

If you knew what I have experienced by the two men I loved most in my life, I guess objectively I was the woman who became so strong (not bitter) that I just learned to live life without thinking something like this would come along.

I am sobbing friends, grateful sobs. I never knew I would experience this. Here it is.

God, you must have seen me. You must have known me. You must have created me to know me, to love me, to give me what I need, and what you knew I would love. Thank you beyond what I can express except through grateful sobs tonight.

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“Are you my girlfriend?”

“I’d love to be your girlfriend.”

“You’re my girlfriend.”

“Yay! That makes me really happy.”

“That makes me happy, too.”

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Physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.

It may be an enigma for me.

I wish that it was not so rare. But then how special would it be? Things that great should be far and few between.

I hope that I find a gift of a partner like this. If I don’t, I’ll be happy with myself. I’ve learned how to live the single life now and be honestly happy. There are moments when you are in a relationship and you wish you were single, sometimes more than just moments. And there are sometimes when you are single that you wish you were in a relationship. Life isn’t about what you don’t have-it’s about what you do. Gratefulness.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve chosen wrong people to be with, even when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was wrong. I’ve made passionate love that was better than I could imagine. I’ve not had a good, honest man, that I’ve made passionate love to that was better than I could have dreamt.

I won’t settle for less than physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry. ¬†It’s what I deserve if I commit to anyone. It is rare. It is good that it is rare. I’ve learned that I can be happy single and I’ve learned settling is¬†horrible¬†for the human heart.

I will live my life out loud, with joy. That’s what I’ll do. That’s my plan. If there is a partner for me out there, I know that I’ll be open and happy enough for him to find his place next to me.

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