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Archive for the ‘grateful’ Category

It’s August! As typically as life delivers in unpredictability, so have the last few months been a rapid pace of growth and surprises. I’m over the emotional abuser if you read my past posts. There is a soft spot in my heart for the times he was just a good, sweet man, but in the big picture of things… he was an abuser that could not help himself. It’s been almost 6 months now since we broke up. 5 months were I have lived on my own. I can tell that this breakup was the easiest because of experience and the heartache being mostly in the relationship, but I can also tell it took time to get over in a different way because we lived together and were together for a little over 3 years. It’s all done and I’m over him now. I would not want to be with him or try again. There is a soft spot only because I know his heart even though he is abusive. I cut off all contact with him, however, because that is what you do when you know your worth.

I’ve actually dated since the week after we broke up. Many experiences, some funny and some gross. Some normal and just not for me. I knew I would start getting serious after my surgery and recovery. So I signed up for eHarmony and Catholic Match recently.

It would really take a special man for me to give up the single life. I definitely know I don’t need one and I really like all the time I have to myself to do whatever the hell I want. 🙂  In other words, he will have to be a “mighty, mighty good man” and be the icing to my cake. Any relationship in my life would have to enhance my life. I’m proud of this!

 

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Cloud 9 in the middle of nonsense. Didn’t know that was possible, but I am happy to be here!

I never knew of this much happiness. Literally, my brain must have expanded it’s capacity of neurons to allow for it. I love him with all my heart, my body, and soul. I honestly have felt like I am in a dream these last 10 months! It has gone by so fast.

Safe. Peace. Comfort. Appreciation. Maturity. and most of all Love. I am loved and I love him. I can’t spell it any more clearly and too bad emoticons can only describe and not let you feel the feelings I have!

There are other things in my life happening that are in no way serious, but they haven’t felt great. They aren’t fair things. But they have happened and exist. Forgive me for being so vague, but the timing of this post and it’s publicness would produce a disaster if anyone that was involved found out so that’s all I can really say. But just like in anyone’s life, there are minor discomforts or events that come up that aren’t pleasant and do pass on but take you by surprise when they happen. That has happened a lot lately. But yet, as this post indicates… I am on cloud 9 and it seems nothing can touch that cloud way up there!! 🙂

I am extremely grateful for my life and all I have in it. I am surprised at being so HAPPY. I am not the author of my life though I do have free will, which I am so eager to have. Therefore, I exclaim gratefulness for my awesome journey and enjoy each moment while it lasts!

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I’d like to think this is a good use of my time writing on my blog. Actually, I know it is because it is re-centering me right now.

Sister’s Wedding. 

Music for my Sister’s Wedding

Maid of Honor

Did I get the job??

He asked me to move in with him 

And I looked at that just now and noticed something… those are all GOOD GOOD things!

I am stressed though. Unfortunately. And I think now that I am processing it, it is because of my sister and my mother’s communication/behavior. My mom is being controlling and apparently wants me to stay with her the entire time. My sister is not communicating about me possibly staying with the the entire time instead (so I can avoid the control freakishness and have the most peace as possible leading up to the wedding.) Worse case scenario: both of those women are not an option to stay with because my sister doesn’t want me there and I can’t stay with a mother who has outbursts. What will I do then? Rent a hotel room and take a cab ride. Problem solved.

So let me look at that list again. Wow. Those are all awesome things!! I had an interview that went really well at a place I would LOVE to work, my wonderful boyfriend asked me to move in with him, and my sister’s wedding (and it’s almost done!)

I won’t let the bad outweigh the good anymore now that I am literally SEEING this for what it is!  🙂  This was absolutely worth every minute of my time because it has put things into perspective and now I am HAPPY!

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I want to be as greatly successful was Dr. Wayne Dyer. As Maya Angelo was. Not for the fame, not for the money, but because I trust myself. I know the wisdom that I have and the ways that I follow in the Spirit.

How do I even begin?

I guess I would just keep following in the Spirit. God knows the plans he has for me as trite as it sounds. So I’ll press into that.

Things that were awesome today:

My boyfriend gave me a key to his home. 🙂

I mentioned that I loved him for the first time after that. 🙂

I closed at the coffee house for the first time.

I get out of work before dinner time.

I did my squats for the day.

I took steps toward a long application procedure for becoming licensed in my other career degree.

I talked to my mom.

I like reminding myself of the awesome things in a single day so that I can see the big picture even when I’m stressed. Life is too short not to notice the best things. 🙂

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Just maybe things are not like all soft and fluffy even half the time.

I mean… maybe reality is reality 100% of the time and the fluffy, magical stuff sifts it’s way through life as incalculable moments. Not predictable, most often not premeditated, in gratefulness-producing ways… maybe that’s how the fluffy, magical stuff happens.

And maybe part of that reality is that you notice this more as you age. You see more reality and less magic because you are the one responsible for your life now…you set the stage for everything… and you are even able to produce life that will experience the magic often until they become of age.

The cool thing is, the older you get, the more the magical fluffy moments mean when they actually do happen. You become even more grateful for them with time.

Perhaps every self aware person with at least average intelligence and normal insight realizes at a certain point during their young adult years that expecting the fluffy, magical stuff to appear at a certain rate or in a certain time frame is setting yourself up for disappointment and a reality check.

I think that is probably, really true. And I think that for me, that night is tonight. I’m 32. I’ve been married before. I’ve lived some life yet. But I think this concept is becoming it’s full self in my brain tonight.

Maybe it really is about doing life, the daily ins and outs, taking enjoyment and meaning from that. When and if those fluffy, magical moments happen, and I think they do for most everyone if their heart is open, they mean so much and provide comfort and stir gratefulness in us.

And it isn’t simply because we are responsible for our lives and set the stage for “everything” that we don’t have as many magical moments as we did when we were younger. I believe it might be because as we mature, we are able to handle less. I believe also that the less that we have in this regard, the more gratefulness we have when those moments do come. When we have more gratefulness in our lives, we are more fulfilled and satisfied as human beings.

This is my theory. I’m still growing up. Tonight I learned just a bit more.

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I trust actions over words.

But then there are times when the actions need the words to explain and that is something I’m not used to. When actions come slower than normal is that the end all be all or does an explanation make it okay? Like if fear stops someone from being affectionate. Stops someone from making the first move a lot of the time.

Or should the slow moves be the only thing I look at? Do they speak for themselves?

I am not used to slow movers. I am not used to people who are afraid of expressing their emotions a good portion of the time through touch and words. What should I make of that?

My instincts told me to “wait” in the beginning… when it was so damn obvious this was completely different from what I have experienced. So what do my instincts tell me now?

They tell me he has trouble expressing his emotions. He is scared of them and scared of being vulnerable. That this will take a while. That’s what my gut says.

My gut also says that he is affectionate because he has been. I’ve noticed the times he is not and it’s when he is stressed out. It’s especially noticeable with work. If he isn’t intimate with me, for most of the time it’s when he is tired. I see that he has become more comfortable and more open about touching me etc since the beginning… less than 6 months ago. He is just slow moving in his progress.

Am I okay with this?

To an extent. I will not be comfortable making the first move all the time… so I won’t. I won’t be comfortable with him not knowing that affection means a lot to me and it’s how I bond. So I’ll reiterate it. I have said that touch was something that helped me experience, but I didn’t say what it meant to me. That’s my responsibility to make it clear.

One thing that has existed from the beginning is that I always feel safe with him. It’s a comfort and it’s underrated. Safe meaning a knowing that his motivations are pure… and to an extent understanding them without words. He is my dual by socionics terms. I wasn’t surprised to find that out a few months into the relationship; that describes how I feel about him and how he has described how he feels about me and from being with me from the get go.

So I’ll stick with this. It’s more than worth it. I like him a lot and even through the difficulty of him expressing his emotions and feeling it hard to be vulnerable. I’ll learn to communicate my needs more with him and not bottle things up inside; this is an unfortunate weakness of mine. So we’ll sharpen each other like swords.

I’m lucky to have this man. Peace is found in this relationship. Safety. Attraction. Joy. Sharing the love of people. Respect. Admiration.

Sometimes, I just have to process things to see them in their real context.

 

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you massage my heart with the thoughts you play
in your mind for me each day
the words that come are like water drops in a cave
quenching and resonating in my heart in such a way
that the memory of the sound never fades
its perfection, its daft perfection remains

and i really can’t explain how it ended up this way
were you created to provide this love to me today?
were your thoughts, your words made to massage my heart this way?
my spirit, my soul… something senses that this may be true.. and that I may
that I may be the person that does the same
For you…

Though I can barely fathom I could give love in that way
Because what you give me is more precious than I’ve been able to say
More faith provoking than I have been able to believe
and more solid than I have been able to grasp, until these days.
These days when I’ve found it more easy to live than ever before
Almost unnoticeable is the comfort that being with you affords
Life is just real and better with you than before

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