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Archive for the ‘fate?’ Category

I want to be as greatly successful was Dr. Wayne Dyer. As Maya Angelo was. Not for the fame, not for the money, but because I trust myself. I know the wisdom that I have and the ways that I follow in the Spirit.

How do I even begin?

I guess I would just keep following in the Spirit. God knows the plans he has for me as trite as it sounds. So I’ll press into that.

Things that were awesome today:

My boyfriend gave me a key to his home. 🙂

I mentioned that I loved him for the first time after that. 🙂

I closed at the coffee house for the first time.

I get out of work before dinner time.

I did my squats for the day.

I took steps toward a long application procedure for becoming licensed in my other career degree.

I talked to my mom.

I like reminding myself of the awesome things in a single day so that I can see the big picture even when I’m stressed. Life is too short not to notice the best things. 🙂

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if i had no limits… if i didn’t wait around for the what ifs… this is what i would do.

i would use my connections to find a good job anywhere. anywhere.

i wouldn’t wait around for a guy to propose to me. i wouldn’t waste my time trying to figure out if he wants to settle down someday. i would just go after my dreams.

i’m 32. i feel like i say that often. it’s an age where you have to decide things. where you don’t waste time. it doesn’t matter what your dreams are, but you have to act if you want them and remove barriers that block them.

the reality is, i have no limits. i have only one life. i can’t wait around for the what ifs… and that is about the only thing i really can’t do.

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You didn’t tell me

Why didn’t you mention the moments in between

The friends the laughter the nights of serene… bliss

That I’d cry myself to sleep

That I’d cry for the kids I see at work

The pain of not knowing why he is distant from me

The worrying about money that won’t stop and can’t be remedied soon

You didn’t tell me

You didn’t mention the hardships I’d face

The choice I didn’t make to exist and survive despite them wasn’t mine

Why?

Why am I here? Why do I have to be the one to cry?

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THEY WEREN’T GIVEN THE RIGHT?

It’s not that bad, now is it?

How would I know

I am here now and this is all I know.

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“Are you my girlfriend?”

“I’d love to be your girlfriend.”

“You’re my girlfriend.”

“Yay! That makes me really happy.”

“That makes me happy, too.”

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Physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.

It may be an enigma for me.

I wish that it was not so rare. But then how special would it be? Things that great should be far and few between.

I hope that I find a gift of a partner like this. If I don’t, I’ll be happy with myself. I’ve learned how to live the single life now and be honestly happy. There are moments when you are in a relationship and you wish you were single, sometimes more than just moments. And there are sometimes when you are single that you wish you were in a relationship. Life isn’t about what you don’t have-it’s about what you do. Gratefulness.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve chosen wrong people to be with, even when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was wrong. I’ve made passionate love that was better than I could imagine. I’ve not had a good, honest man, that I’ve made passionate love to that was better than I could have dreamt.

I won’t settle for less than physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.  It’s what I deserve if I commit to anyone. It is rare. It is good that it is rare. I’ve learned that I can be happy single and I’ve learned settling is horrible for the human heart.

I will live my life out loud, with joy. That’s what I’ll do. That’s my plan. If there is a partner for me out there, I know that I’ll be open and happy enough for him to find his place next to me.

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This has been the theme of my life after making good decisions with guys. And the watching of the new door opening is NOT a new guy coming into my life.  😉

I went through a very tough breakup in July as I blogged about in previous posts. This relationship came to a slow painful wind down over months and then to a screeching halt in a matter of a week. During that time, an opportunity presented itself to become a part of a great and talented band. The week that I found out I made it was the same week that I had to break up with him. This band was my saving grace and my driving force to help me through my recovery.

I went out on 5 dates with a guy that I thought had great potential with me. We had good times together taking things slow and just relating/hanging out. By the fifth date, however, I knew that he was not right for me. There were red flags, some that would have been avoided had he been completely honest on his dating profile. For instance, he said he was a nonsmoker, but he actually does smoke sometimes. My original search on that dating website wouldn’t have included him if he’d put that he does smoke. I’m a singer for crying out loud… I can’t deal with trying to escape that. Also, there were just things about his demeanor that turned me off and I couldn’t do anything about that either. So today I had to let him down gently. It was sad because he is a nice guy and he treated me exceptionally well. I enjoyed being loved on by him and he is sweet. But it was the right thing to do and the right time. He deserves to know as soon as possible so he can keep searching for the one for him. It made me sad today because I don’t like hurting people. Later today, I got an email from my talented choir director at the church I love asking me if I would want to become a cantor at the church!! I will be going through full training for it!  My sadness turned to joy.  🙂

THESE are doors closing and opening. At the right times. This is when I see God’s beauty. I see his mind-blowing providence for me who He loves. When I walk in truth, I meet His divine plans for me.

Thank you, God! You are astounding.

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Well. I don’t really know how to say this, but it’s worth being recorded. This blog is a special place and I have to record an amazing experience that has been born here.

I had a dream that I recorded on this blog because at the time I had it, it was vivid and full of strong feelings. I think it was unexpected. Here is the post about the dream: https://abrajewels.wordpress.com/2011/06/30/dream/

When I was dating Brett, while our relationship was still pretty new, one night we were driving in his car. This dream happened. My reaction was to block it-I remember that. I remember instantly recognizing what was being said in that moment was almost the exact same experience in the dream. It scared me or caused some kind of startledness to the point where my brain could not fully accept it. Can you imagine? It was so much the same that right there in the moment I thought of this dream that had happened a year before! My guess is that it was too much for me to comprehend the meaning of that since this was such a new relationship and the first one after my divorce. That’s why I believe I tried to almost push it away and can’t remember specifics about it. I sure do remember enough and there is truly no denying it.

Today I got on this blog. I don’t remember what triggered me to even come here and I don’t visit often. This time I started to read old posts and kept going further back. I had forgotten all that I recorded and found it so neat to remember these experiences. I came upon the “dream” post and reread it fondly, now that I am comforted by it and can process how astounding it was that this dream happened in real life, using the same descriptions of the man and what actually happened. I read all of it. When I got to the end of the post- I froze.

Just last night, Brett said something to me that was surprising and so unexpected to hear out of his mouth, initiated by his own unique self. He said to me, “I want to connect with you more.”

June 30, 2011   “dream”

“I loved this man and loved that we agreed on this point, but really it wasn’t about the fact that we agreed so much as we were… connected.”

I swear to God. I never thought I would have a man of my dreams. I don’t have men in my dreams. I had this dream. And I’m astounded at the purpose of it. Thank you to whoever for this unexpected, welcome gift that has left me quietly astounded.

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