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Archive for the ‘engaged’ Category

It’s funny how you can’t keep track of things in your own relationship when there is chaos. I read my prior blog post of February 2016. I knew then apparently that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you asked me a month ago, I would have said I didn’t really understand at that time though I had a thought I was. Now I read that I did get it. I still don’t think I fully believed it then, however.

Flash forward to February 2017. He broke up with me in Hawaii. On a vacation that was supposed to be our honeymoon, but turned vacation because he called off the wedding in November 2016. Then soon after, we became girlfriend and boyfriend rather than fiancés.

The pain I endured staying with him from that blog post of February 2016 to the breakup of February 2017 was insurmountable. It was the most emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. If you are reading this and are in an emotionally abusive relationship, leave. Don’t stay. There are always ways to get taken care of by family or friends or resources. Now I’m sitting here working through the fact that I stayed. Sure, I think it was a lesson I had to experience to really understand. But if it helps you to hear it from someone who has been there, a minute more of abuse is a minute less of a happy life. It’s a minute more you have to get over it. Don’t put up with it. Separate or leave. They will treat you how you accept. You are a beautiful human being worthy of respect. I’m sure you didn’t react to abuse and unkindness in a healthy way while it was happening but you are not the perpetrator… you are a victim trying to survive.

Now I sit knowing that I will survive. I wish I didn’t have to feel the pain of regret and now trying to add that with knowing I did the best I could. It’s confusing. Because even if I had cancer and depended on him at the time, it was never worth staying with that treatment. Even if his brother jumped out of a window, it doesn’t give him license to treat me that way. Even if he is struggling in his new job and doesn’t handle the stress well, it doesn’t mean he can take it out on me and then start blaming me for everything. There will never be another excuse that will work to allow emotional abuse or any type of abuse to continue in my life again! Every human being deserves respect and love and apologies when needed.

I forgive you, Julie, for staying. You did not realize the severity and had a hard time believing this is who he really was. That is the cycle of abuse. You are out and that is what is important. You will never go back. You pulled away emotionally when you really, really began to see it for what it was in January 2017. You had thoughts and knew you would leave one day. Thank god it happened sooner than later. You are smart, you are loveable, and you are wise. You will always have your own back and you will never accept less than you deserve in the future. Everyone goes through lessons in life and this was one of yours. It’s okay. It’s alright. You are forgiven and you will heal.

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Today I spent the entire day looking at wedding venues, thinking about possible times to get married, and I told my mom and dad that it happened this weekend (He had asked for their blessing but didn’t have an exact time then.)

I’m not sure that it was a great thing to do considering I spent little time taking care of myself and am extremely hungry right now, but I do have some things figured out on my first day alone since the weekend getaway and the proposal.

– I want to say my vows in front of family and friends. Only the closest of these and even inviting my extended family is pushing it for me. This is super important to him to have them their, too.

-We want to have fun. He at least wants a dance floor and I would need a venue in my style… couldn’t stand fru fru for example.

-Without talking to him to confirm this, it seems the wedding would have to happen by June, in October, or June 2016. I see the benefits of waiting until June 2016 now where I did not before. We will be moving in together in the early summer and waiting another year will give us more time to adjust to that… or really more time to be ready for marriage. That would put us together for about 2.5 years before we get married if we waited till 2016. I see the good-god relieving benefits of getting married in June or October this year, too. But marriage isn’t a race. No rush. The less rush, the better and more assured, in fact. I just hate the waiting and don’t like having a ceremony to think about for that long. Perhaps I should have a paradigm shift about the whole thing. Attitude adjustment.

-There is a reason that the majority of weddings still have the same process to go through in the planning, etc.

-I think, let’s just be real, we both are feeling the gravity of the commitment we will be making. We have both been engaged before, myself married, and both have gotten cheated on. Though we are both over those scenarios, we don’t see the world the same way even if it is almost 100% for the better. We are feeling the wait of the commitment we made; we both seem a little serious this last two days. I pray that we only get stronger through this and love each other deeper.

-I will be stressed. I do have control over how stressed I will get, but I will experience some stress. I have to accept that in order to be less stressed. This is a major life event- both good and bad stress!

-I read in an article that a tip for a bride to be is to not let others’ less than enthusiastic responses to your marriage plans get to you. These are from unhappy people whether in their own marriages or those that wish they were married. I already got one today when I told her of my engagement, “Welcome to misery, jk.” And even just talking to my own mother who just acts like another daughter’s wedding is a chore. I won’t let these people bother me. I’ve been married before and have a very realistic view of marriage and don’t need any of their projections through theirs lens at all. bu bye negatorouses!

-I am going to marry a wonderful man who I respect greatly and am so proud of. I know how much he loves me. I’ll be learning about him through this new phase of our relationship as he will me when I am unaware. I will continue to treat him well. As he told me he was explaining to his best friend, “You know, I deserve the best. And I believe Julie is the best for me.” I will continue to be myself as I always have and know that is enough for this man I love.

I’m diving in, in my calm, peaceful way. Whatever he and I decide together, come what may.

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