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Archive for the ‘dreams’ Category

I want to be as greatly successful was Dr. Wayne Dyer. As Maya Angelo was. Not for the fame, not for the money, but because I trust myself. I know the wisdom that I have and the ways that I follow in the Spirit.

How do I even begin?

I guess I would just keep following in the Spirit. God knows the plans he has for me as trite as it sounds. So I’ll press into that.

Things that were awesome today:

My boyfriend gave me a key to his home. 🙂

I mentioned that I loved him for the first time after that. 🙂

I closed at the coffee house for the first time.

I get out of work before dinner time.

I did my squats for the day.

I took steps toward a long application procedure for becoming licensed in my other career degree.

I talked to my mom.

I like reminding myself of the awesome things in a single day so that I can see the big picture even when I’m stressed. Life is too short not to notice the best things. 🙂

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if i had no limits… if i didn’t wait around for the what ifs… this is what i would do.

i would use my connections to find a good job anywhere. anywhere.

i wouldn’t wait around for a guy to propose to me. i wouldn’t waste my time trying to figure out if he wants to settle down someday. i would just go after my dreams.

i’m 32. i feel like i say that often. it’s an age where you have to decide things. where you don’t waste time. it doesn’t matter what your dreams are, but you have to act if you want them and remove barriers that block them.

the reality is, i have no limits. i have only one life. i can’t wait around for the what ifs… and that is about the only thing i really can’t do.

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“Are you my girlfriend?”

“I’d love to be your girlfriend.”

“You’re my girlfriend.”

“Yay! That makes me really happy.”

“That makes me happy, too.”

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Well. I don’t really know how to say this, but it’s worth being recorded. This blog is a special place and I have to record an amazing experience that has been born here.

I had a dream that I recorded on this blog because at the time I had it, it was vivid and full of strong feelings. I think it was unexpected. Here is the post about the dream: https://abrajewels.wordpress.com/2011/06/30/dream/

When I was dating Brett, while our relationship was still pretty new, one night we were driving in his car. This dream happened. My reaction was to block it-I remember that. I remember instantly recognizing what was being said in that moment was almost the exact same experience in the dream. It scared me or caused some kind of startledness to the point where my brain could not fully accept it. Can you imagine? It was so much the same that right there in the moment I thought of this dream that had happened a year before! My guess is that it was too much for me to comprehend the meaning of that since this was such a new relationship and the first one after my divorce. That’s why I believe I tried to almost push it away and can’t remember specifics about it. I sure do remember enough and there is truly no denying it.

Today I got on this blog. I don’t remember what triggered me to even come here and I don’t visit often. This time I started to read old posts and kept going further back. I had forgotten all that I recorded and found it so neat to remember these experiences. I came upon the “dream” post and reread it fondly, now that I am comforted by it and can process how astounding it was that this dream happened in real life, using the same descriptions of the man and what actually happened. I read all of it. When I got to the end of the post- I froze.

Just last night, Brett said something to me that was surprising and so unexpected to hear out of his mouth, initiated by his own unique self. He said to me, “I want to connect with you more.”

June 30, 2011   “dream”

“I loved this man and loved that we agreed on this point, but really it wasn’t about the fact that we agreed so much as we were… connected.”

I swear to God. I never thought I would have a man of my dreams. I don’t have men in my dreams. I had this dream. And I’m astounded at the purpose of it. Thank you to whoever for this unexpected, welcome gift that has left me quietly astounded.

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I think I love him. Well, I know I do. I may not love him in a HUGE way yet, but I do love him. To me its like the verse that talks about “When you have the faith of a mustard seed….”

There’s something about this man. I think he has a beautiful mind and God knows how attracted I am to his body. He makes me more independent and I like that, too, as much as it scares me to not have him by my side when I do music events. I’m not used to that. I’m used to being enmeshed. I’m not used to having our hearts similar, but some activities different.

I love this man, but I hold back. Because, yes, he does live with his mother. Yes, it’s hard on me to see him so attached to her. I’m jealous. I want him all for myself. But in reality, I see that he loves her appropriately for what they have both been through… losing their husband/father when they were young and his mother having health problems.

I tell him and have told him this is the number one concern for us- that I don’t understand the degree of attachment. I ask him questions… even saying things like, “I really don’t know if this sounds mean or what, but I find myself wondering if you are not married yet because of your mother.” Each time, he has the appropriate answers that show that things are not dysfunctional… just different. Just not easy.

It’s hard for me to let myself love him BIG, because I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to settle. To do that would terrify me. Everything about relationships for me is about if it will make it in the long term. It comes with the territory of having been married once, cheated on, and maturing greatly because of it. I know what I want.

But do I want to be with a man whose mother will be in the picture a great majority of the time? It’s so hard to say no to this one man.

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This is weird.

So there is a post on this blog that is not a poem and it’s the only one besides the introduction. And this is the one I’m referencing: https://abrajewels.wordpress.com/2008/10/09/this-is-for-real/ 

What I didn’t say in this post is that my vision was in a Catholic church. I couldn’t be that honest with myself back then. And it didn’t make sense and I didn’t want it to; I was a Protestant. But it was as real as day just like the rest of the vision was that I was in a Catholic church.

The next part gets even better. Brad wasn’t there. He wasn’t part of the band or anything.

The whole vision was me just seeing the floor, my shoes, and the end of my dress. The rest was knowing. Both senses were equally important and mattered just was much as the other.

Brad wasn’t there and it was in a Catholic church.

Today Brad isn’t here and I’m Catholic.

I am heavily involved in the music at my church and have been ever since he left in December.

Now think about that with the rest of the vision.

Coincidence? I THINK NOT. This vision happened before I found out Brad cheated on me. Soon after this post everything began to fall apart. This vision happened over 2 years and 8 months ago.

It was meant for this time in my life after Brad left. Part of the knowing is that I was young in the vision like I am now.

Wow.

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i see kids all around us

us loving the life we have

i see a house not neat and perfect

but filled with love instead

I see you working at your dream job

and me my dreams living out

in every day I’m with you

and together we have no doubt

We are best friends and we created the life we always thought we’d have

It doesn’t look the same as we thought, it’s better than that

God did provide for us and guided us to right here

Where are dreams our goals our visions came true as He said

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