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Archive for the ‘divorce’ Category

I log on to write a post about how I see how I’ve matured in a very important area over the last few months and I get a notification that it’s my five-year anniversary on this blog! That kind of gave a whole new perspective on how much I’ve grown!

I’ve learned how to have a life and be happy even while I don’t know what’s coming next in my romantic relationship. Anybody that has fought this battle knows it is a battle that has to be fought for to win. I’m not saying I have mastered it to a “T”, but I’m living it out now. I am REALLY happy. I just went to a young adults event where I got to talk to some old friends, started to make new ones, and connected with current ones– I am soaring! And then I talked with my bf briefly about some of the things that I don’t know about (as far as staying in a relationship) and it didn’t even “shake my foundation” which is how it usually feels. I’m grateful. This is the Jewels I’ve wanted for so long and I know that it takes maintaining. It’s taking care of myself. I am proud of the work I have done to get me here. And I am grateful for the love, friendship, and family that allowed it to happen.

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I have PTSD. I dread writing this post. My last post was in May 2012 so as you can see blogging is not really my thing. Sigh.

I’m doing this because I’m trying to take care of myself. To talk through things. I’m in therapy; I have been for over 2 years. I went through a divorce and started going to therapy one month before my ex and I separated because I knew I wasn’t doing well mentally.

I’m in a relationship now and we just celebrated our one year anniversary last weekend. We’ve known each other since October 2011. I love him. But my PTSD is causing a lot of problems in our relationship. I don’t know why he stays with me. I know that he loves me comparably to anyone who has loved me the most in my life. He is stable. He’s strong.

The last time I saw him I felt for the first time that there was a sort of thin wall in front of me. I couldn’t feel things with him like I always have. This was the first time. I’m terrified it won’t be the last. I’m so scared this PTSD is going to ruin me and us.

Somebody please give me encouragement and support. My reactions scare me. Have you had PTSD? Mine is from my bad marriage where the person I was with cheated on me numerous times, yes, but also was suicidal and cut himself.

Any encouragement is welcome.

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I think I love him. Well, I know I do. I may not love him in a HUGE way yet, but I do love him. To me its like the verse that talks about “When you have the faith of a mustard seed….”

There’s something about this man. I think he has a beautiful mind and God knows how attracted I am to his body. He makes me more independent and I like that, too, as much as it scares me to not have him by my side when I do music events. I’m not used to that. I’m used to being enmeshed. I’m not used to having our hearts similar, but some activities different.

I love this man, but I hold back. Because, yes, he does live with his mother. Yes, it’s hard on me to see him so attached to her. I’m jealous. I want him all for myself. But in reality, I see that he loves her appropriately for what they have both been through… losing their husband/father when they were young and his mother having health problems.

I tell him and have told him this is the number one concern for us- that I don’t understand the degree of attachment. I ask him questions… even saying things like, “I really don’t know if this sounds mean or what, but I find myself wondering if you are not married yet because of your mother.” Each time, he has the appropriate answers that show that things are not dysfunctional… just different. Just not easy.

It’s hard for me to let myself love him BIG, because I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to settle. To do that would terrify me. Everything about relationships for me is about if it will make it in the long term. It comes with the territory of having been married once, cheated on, and maturing greatly because of it. I know what I want.

But do I want to be with a man whose mother will be in the picture a great majority of the time? It’s so hard to say no to this one man.

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Every Friday I am exhausted by the time I go home. I remember being tired by the end of the week when I was a kid, but this is different. Like I’m literally longing for my bed at 5pm.

It would help if I got more than 7 hours of sleep the night before, but there’s always something that comes up that makes me go to bed later than I should.

Oh and something has come up-not that keeps me awake though. Although I stepped out of the dating scene at the end of May, I left one of my profile sites up because it was paid for and I wasn’t sure if I could reopen it. (I guess I could have checked into that cuz turns out you can so maybe there is more to it than that. It is a site based on my religion which means a lot to me… I guess I wanted to leave it open “just in case….”)

There was this one dude who kept viewing me since like April. He nudged me and winked at me which I did back. Honestly, he seemed like a dweeb. And, yes, he still could be. I won’t rule out any previous thoughts because they turn out to be important sometimes. But guess what? I looked up his name using his email address that he put on his profile. He coached in the NBA for 5 years and he coaches everyone from kids to high-profile athletes now. He’s actually very handsome-I watched a video of him so I know kinda for sure.

So I updated my profile and put my email address on it as well. It seems like he can’t email from that dating site maybe based on his membership level. I still don’t know if that’s true, but based on the fact that he did make contact with me 2x with the cutesy faces but only put his email address up on his profile, I thought I would update my profile with my email address to give him another shot. I still wasn’t going to contact him.

So maybe a day or two later, I told my friend all about this shocking thing and, no lie, that night when I got home, he emailed me. Literally, my heart raced and I didn’t sleep well that night! Okay, so maybe this has kept me from getting sleep at least once.

We’ve emailed back and forth three times now about surface level things and just learning about each other. But now my anxiety is rising. If I could put it into words this is what is going through my head:

“Am I going to know what to say in the next email? How long can this last? Does he want to stop emailing me–he is a guy–guys don’t like this stuff for too long,right? Is it going to hurt if he stops emailing me? Should I say something first to stop the emails before he doesn’t like them?”

Then in a deeper part of my brain possibly causing all the above:

“I know I don’t want a relationship. I don’t want to formally date. I do want to get to know people including guys I’m interested in and that are interested in me. This is balanced, I believe. But it’s scary. What do I say? Can I really go with that flow or will I back out? (I would end up backing out rather than jumping in, trust me.) How do I do this?

And I had this up on my site under the “What I’m looking for section” when he contacted me so he had fair warning: “Right now I’m taking it easy on the dating front as my divorce is coming to a close, but I’m still interested in getting to know other people. For a future relationship, I’m looking for someone with similar values to mine who has a strong sense of individuality. ”

So please those of you who are reading this leave a comment. You don’t have to have been through this to tell me what to do. Give me your opinion and I’m thankful.

Oh goodness. I didn’t expect a guy with real potential to come along.

What should I do?

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I am lonely.

I’m lonely and I’m sitting with it.

It’s almost unbearable.

“What can I do to make it stop? I hate feeling this way!”

I think about the guy I have a crush on. He over heard a conversation I was having telling someone about my divorce in which I didn’t tell them my husband cheated. God…. he could hate me by now.

I am so alone.

Tell me this is going to be a short phase.  Tell me I don’t need to listen to other people telling me to wait a specific time period. Just tell me I’m going to get through this soon.

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You left

I never thought you would leave.

I didn’t want you to.

Why, how, …. why?

I cried.

Even now I miss what I had with you.

Our laughter those moments when no one knew

But us

The joy we had inside of being together no frills or no fuss.

So, yah, it’s a loss to be without you

Even though you made me cry till my eyes were through.

I miss you.

I miss seeing you laughing, but not seeing you cry.

But I’m content with you being gone because I know it’s right.

You weren’t good for me at all and treated me bad.

It doesn’t mean I can’t love you and I’ll never take that back.

I love you not romantically but always as a friend.

And I’m very happy with that never having to end.

I hope you find great happiness in all your days ahead.

I hope I find love greater than I hope for before my life’s end.

I don’t regret the time we had-I loved almost all of it.

You are beautiful inside where I know you, even if you don’t know it.

Here is to us moving on and smiling at the past.

Here is to allowing our hearts to heal and thanking God at Mass.

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