Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘cry’ Category

You didn’t tell me

Why didn’t you mention the moments in between

The friends the laughter the nights of serene… bliss

That I’d cry myself to sleep

That I’d cry for the kids I see at work

The pain of not knowing why he is distant from me

The worrying about money that won’t stop and can’t be remedied soon

You didn’t tell me

You didn’t mention the hardships I’d face

The choice I didn’t make to exist and survive despite them wasn’t mine

Why?

Why am I here? Why do I have to be the one to cry?

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THEY WEREN’T GIVEN THE RIGHT?

It’s not that bad, now is it?

How would I know

I am here now and this is all I know.

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Have you ever had one of those? I think this was my first. And I’ll never forget it. I sobbed to God for how grateful I am to have been given a good man. A good down to the soul, just-as-good-as-I-am man. A rock. I have never in my life experienced this before. The sweetest, purest man I have ever had the pleasure of kissing, of holding, and being held by.

My God, thank you! It is beauty. I recognize this man because this is what I am. Could this really be happening to me?

If you knew what I have experienced by the two men I loved most in my life, I guess objectively I was the woman who became so strong (not bitter) that I just learned to live life without thinking something like this would come along.

I am sobbing friends, grateful sobs. I never knew I would experience this. Here it is.

God, you must have seen me. You must have known me. You must have created me to know me, to love me, to give me what I need, and what you knew I would love. Thank you beyond what I can express except through grateful sobs tonight.

Read Full Post »

Blue

“So if you’re feelin’ lonely, don’t. You’re the only one I ever want.”

I just saw Bryan Adams tonight in concert. So give me a break on that line coming out.  🙂

But I guess it came out for a reason. My boyfriend is anxious, sleep deprived, numb, living with his parents temporarily, traveling often. lol. wow- I knew it sounded bad, but to see it written out is bad.

You see, I’m not the one who is lonely. I feel for him. I’m pretty sure he is depressed.

I became F’s girlfriend on Nov 1. We were SO happy. The night he asked me to be his girlfriend (I know, I didn’t know guys did that anymore either) it seriously felt like a dream, like I was on cloud 15. The dates before were increasingly awesome as well.

Right after the date when he asked me to be his girlfriend, he began to act different. He was quieter on the next date. I told him that and he chalked it up to being more comfortable and not feeling like he has to keep a conversation going like before. okay. kinda believable.

It’s been going downhill since in that department. And it’s him. He complains that he is anxious because of the short sale he is in the middle of settling on. Saving up money for closing costs. The traveling he is doing (gone this weekend to AC for a bachelor party and then Portugal for a month in December.) Sigh. The date before last he told me he has been so anxious for the entire week and has had trouble sleeping. This week he kept complaining was “off.” Tonight after a Bryan Adams concert he told me he felt numb. I asked, “What do you mean?” (though I was pretty sure) And he said he meant inside. He didn’t come inside my place tonight. He said he was very tired and just wanted to go home and go to bed. He had been yawning the whole night. He knew that “my friend,” as he puts it, was this week so he could be shallow and not come in because of that combined with how exhausted he was, but either way, downhill… increasingly and methodically.

Guys mask depression so well. He really swept me off my feet. That must have been exhausting. The very next date— letting go a bit because he had me secured as his girlfriend.

This isn’t a bad guy. It’s a guy who is depressed and anxious. One that doesn’t know better yet about combining this with dating.

Depression is so simply, sad. I wish people didn’t suffer from this illness. It’s tough to break out of. And then often you return. I think F may have been struggling for a long time before me.

I remember one of the best dates, the fourth date, F held my hand as we were walking out of a restaurant after a really good conversation in which he told me he liked me and other important, intimate things. I could have swore I saw a tear in the corner of his eye. It wasn’t cold out or anything. I thought it may have been because he was really happy. Later, at a cool bar that he likes a lot, he told me more about his best friend that he lost in a motorcycle accident. He had mentioned it before. He told me it’s been two years and it still feels like it’s yesterday. This time he did tear up and I held his hand.

When I think back on that knowing what I know now… it makes a lot more sense. People cry a lot when they are depressed.

I hate this for him. I mean sure, I will miss him, I don’t want to have to leave. But I care about F and I hate this for him. If I could take it away I would.

Read Full Post »

This pain is scary and I want it to go away. It sneaks up like a snake and it slithers around slowly in my brain for a period of time before I make a sudden exit or the snake gets distracted and leaves.

Why does it have to be there when he was such a fucking jerk? I know he didn’t do his most grievous fault of indecision about us out of maliciousness. But why should I have to suffer anymore? Come on. If there are areas in life where it should be easy heartache should be one, right?

I’m so scared subconsciously that I’m going to waste an inordinate amount of time grieving over the loss of this relationship. (could it even be called that?) My friend told me the exact opposite- that because of the situation that he believes that it won’t take an inordinate amount of time before my emotions give way to logic and I’ll be through this. When my friend saw me the other day, he said “in a few more weeks.” God, I hope that’s true. There’s no way that can happen? (no)

I WILL NOT ACCEPT ASSHOLES ANYMORE. I WILL TRUST MYSELF AND EVERY RED FLAG I SEE.

It is not worth it to go through this for men that are not worth it.

I hope one day I can look back at this time with wisdom and a smile of strength and peace because it all worked out okay. I hope.

I want to be with a life partner and I think I want to have kids. I will be 32 years old next month. God help me. Just help me be happy. Give me what I need and what is right above what I think I want.

I’m scared and I hate these moments of pain. Help me sit with it and survive through it. Help me not to settle for ways of rushing through healing.

Read Full Post »

Enough said? It probably should have been. But then he told me that she had a stroke and he helps her because she doesn’t function like she used to. I believed him… why wouldn’t I?

We dated. I fell in love with him. We became exclusive. I asked for it. We had rough times and I broke up with him once. I tried to break up with him another 2 times. He wouldn’t let me go… I didn’t want to let him go. He told me he loves me. I told him I have loved him and do. He got into a doctoral program… so happy for him!

And today. I sit. In the same boat. Unhappy in between the times I am not with him. Because he lives with his mother and takes care of her and she takes care of him. He is parentified because of all he went through growing up with his parents…his dad died when he was 16. His mom never dated again. He has only lived alone when he went off to college for grad school. In undergrad he came home every weekend.

And here I sit. Now really processing it all. And I love him. And he really loves me. But his mom is there and she will be until she dies.

And how will he be when she dies?

This is a horrible situation to be in. To love someone you know can’t give you everything you want.

Read Full Post »

You left

I never thought you would leave.

I didn’t want you to.

Why, how, …. why?

I cried.

Even now I miss what I had with you.

Our laughter those moments when no one knew

But us

The joy we had inside of being together no frills or no fuss.

So, yah, it’s a loss to be without you

Even though you made me cry till my eyes were through.

I miss you.

I miss seeing you laughing, but not seeing you cry.

But I’m content with you being gone because I know it’s right.

You weren’t good for me at all and treated me bad.

It doesn’t mean I can’t love you and I’ll never take that back.

I love you not romantically but always as a friend.

And I’m very happy with that never having to end.

I hope you find great happiness in all your days ahead.

I hope I find love greater than I hope for before my life’s end.

I don’t regret the time we had-I loved almost all of it.

You are beautiful inside where I know you, even if you don’t know it.

Here is to us moving on and smiling at the past.

Here is to allowing our hearts to heal and thanking God at Mass.

Read Full Post »