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Archive for the ‘breakup’ Category

It’s August! As typically as life delivers in unpredictability, so have the last few months been a rapid pace of growth and surprises. I’m over the emotional abuser if you read my past posts. There is a soft spot in my heart for the times he was just a good, sweet man, but in the big picture of things… he was an abuser that could not help himself. It’s been almost 6 months now since we broke up. 5 months were I have lived on my own. I can tell that this breakup was the easiest because of experience and the heartache being mostly in the relationship, but I can also tell it took time to get over in a different way because we lived together and were together for a little over 3 years. It’s all done and I’m over him now. I would not want to be with him or try again. There is a soft spot only because I know his heart even though he is abusive. I cut off all contact with him, however, because that is what you do when you know your worth.

I’ve actually dated since the week after we broke up. Many experiences, some funny and some gross. Some normal and just not for me. I knew I would start getting serious after my surgery and recovery. So I signed up for eHarmony and Catholic Match recently.

It would really take a special man for me to give up the single life. I definitely know I don’t need one and I really like all the time I have to myself to do whatever the hell I want. 🙂  In other words, he will have to be a “mighty, mighty good man” and be the icing to my cake. Any relationship in my life would have to enhance my life. I’m proud of this!

 

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It’s funny how you can’t keep track of things in your own relationship when there is chaos. I read my prior blog post of February 2016. I knew then apparently that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you asked me a month ago, I would have said I didn’t really understand at that time though I had a thought I was. Now I read that I did get it. I still don’t think I fully believed it then, however.

Flash forward to February 2017. He broke up with me in Hawaii. On a vacation that was supposed to be our honeymoon, but turned vacation because he called off the wedding in November 2016. Then soon after, we became girlfriend and boyfriend rather than fiancés.

The pain I endured staying with him from that blog post of February 2016 to the breakup of February 2017 was insurmountable. It was the most emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. If you are reading this and are in an emotionally abusive relationship, leave. Don’t stay. There are always ways to get taken care of by family or friends or resources. Now I’m sitting here working through the fact that I stayed. Sure, I think it was a lesson I had to experience to really understand. But if it helps you to hear it from someone who has been there, a minute more of abuse is a minute less of a happy life. It’s a minute more you have to get over it. Don’t put up with it. Separate or leave. They will treat you how you accept. You are a beautiful human being worthy of respect. I’m sure you didn’t react to abuse and unkindness in a healthy way while it was happening but you are not the perpetrator… you are a victim trying to survive.

Now I sit knowing that I will survive. I wish I didn’t have to feel the pain of regret and now trying to add that with knowing I did the best I could. It’s confusing. Because even if I had cancer and depended on him at the time, it was never worth staying with that treatment. Even if his brother jumped out of a window, it doesn’t give him license to treat me that way. Even if he is struggling in his new job and doesn’t handle the stress well, it doesn’t mean he can take it out on me and then start blaming me for everything. There will never be another excuse that will work to allow emotional abuse or any type of abuse to continue in my life again! Every human being deserves respect and love and apologies when needed.

I forgive you, Julie, for staying. You did not realize the severity and had a hard time believing this is who he really was. That is the cycle of abuse. You are out and that is what is important. You will never go back. You pulled away emotionally when you really, really began to see it for what it was in January 2017. You had thoughts and knew you would leave one day. Thank god it happened sooner than later. You are smart, you are loveable, and you are wise. You will always have your own back and you will never accept less than you deserve in the future. Everyone goes through lessons in life and this was one of yours. It’s okay. It’s alright. You are forgiven and you will heal.

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Today is Thursday. Last Wednesday I broke up with a boyfriend. Thursday, Thanksgiving I wasn’t sure if I had somewhere where to go until around noon. And Friday, my ex-boyfriend who broke my heart before the last one I had called me after 4 months of no contact.

I’ve been hard on myself wondering why the past few days I’ve been more irritable, haven’t cleaned my house, found it harder to exercise. Seriously? Give myself a break.

The breakup wasn’t a big deal at all because we weren’t emotionally close… but it does mean I’m adjusting to not having anyone again. Not knowing where I would be on Thanksgiving and possibly being really alone for the first time on a Holiday was scary. And that phone call from my ex who I broke up with this summer, the one that really played with my heart, was jarring to say the least. It’s still jarring me. It’s made me think about him everyday since and I stopped thinking about him a long time ago. It’s made me miss him and then I feel stupid for missing someone that immature and that treated me so poorly!

I’ve even been tempted to call or text him. LOL. And I beat. myself. up.  You foolish girl.

The sex was great, our demeanors were great together, our playfulness great, there was a lot that was great.

There was even more that was horribly hurtful and sick.

Nothing is ever black and white. As much as I wanted to think it would be a logical moving on… because he was a jerk and I then became unattracted to that… it is not that at all. I miss what we had right now. Then–poof–I realize there was another woman ever present… his mother. Even if he ever does move out… still attached inappropriately. Not to mention this is the man who convinced his whole doctoral class who are school psychologists that I have a disorder (that the couples counseling psychologist said I did not have, but said he essentially does have to a degree)! What kind of high skill manipulation does that take?! They never even met me and these are educated folks!

sigh. The call jolted me. I sat and stared at the phone the whole time it rang.

my god. I have been beating myself up. Because of jerks!

STOP.

It’s ok to let your house go to shit when you experience a breakup small or big, Thanksgiving is up in the air, and a really bad exbf calls out of the blue! IT’S OK! You just haven’t been through this before. It’s OK to be irritable inside, to feel a little down, to find it hard not to get as many texts.

You don’t have to be so strong as to not notice when hard things come up that it’s OK to go through them. Feel them. Connect the feelings to the actual hard things you went through?!?!

That’s why you have been feeling down. For only a few freakin’ days even! Mystery solved. You are normal.

I’m so glad I just talked to myself on the internet. Therapy is free here.

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Two posts in one day. Sigh. I take care of myself well- this blog is one of my outlets.

I stopped dating F today. He texted me out of the blue. I’m surprised that he had the balls to keep texting me:

F: Hey u, how is ur day going? Hope you’ve been having a great day 🙂

J: Hey. I hope you have been having a great day too. I’m sorry to tell you this, but we can no longer date, F. I hope that you do reach all the goals and dreams you shared w me & wish you the best. Have a good Thanksgiving

F: Bummer, sorry to hear that but I get where it’s coming from. Really hope you don’t feel like I’ve wasted your time, wasn’t my intention at all…really wished it would have worked out but overall it’s just been terrible timing. Anyway best wishes for you and Happy Thanksgiving… I really enjoyed getting to know you.

It’s just been terrible timing. That will be his mantra. And did I mention we talked about 2.5 years ago and he just dropped off communication then? Then he tried to pick it back up, but I ignored it. Likely, it will always be “terrible timing” for F. Look, I know guys can be doofuses innocently. This guy I think wanted to be a good guy but copped out a lot at the end of the day. I know this by the stories he told me and the decisions he has made. “Terrible timing” also doesn’t make you not figure out Thanksgiving plans till the last minute after inviting you over, blame your parents, not make new plans, and not even apologize.

There are a ton of reasons why this wasn’t a good match for me, but ultimately, this is dating. It is what it is. If I happen to find a great match one day, it will be because the “not good matches” aren’t in my life. That’s just the way it is. I thought about being friends with him because there is very little emotional attachment and it could work, but his character turns me off. I don’t want to call someone like that a friend- they aren’t dependable.

On a different note, I noticed that I was also talking to my two best friends at the time who both reached out to me. They didn’t know that I was in the middle of breaking up with F and I still haven’t told them yet. It was just comforting to have them both be talking to me at the same time and while I went through with this. It was like a dose of reality to encourage me to get it over with. I don’t like hurting people so telling people “we can’t date anymore” is something I really never like doing.

One of those best friends is who I made backup plans with to go over her inlaws house to celebrate Thanksgiving. I’ve known the family for like 3.5 years now. But she is pregnant and is having horrible morning sickness today. She may not be able to make it tomorrow. I may be able to go see her at her house even though her husband and daughter are going still, but it depends how she feels. So I actually may be alone on Thanksgiving for the first time ever. I am scared. What I want to point out though, is that my friend apologized not once, but twice about possibly changing plans on me. That’s what real friends, decent human beings do, unlike F. It was nice to have that ironically happen today just to drive that whole point home.

Life always goes on. I will always get stronger. I know how to take care of myself. I am a lucky woman.

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This has been the theme of my life after making good decisions with guys. And the watching of the new door opening is NOT a new guy coming into my life.  😉

I went through a very tough breakup in July as I blogged about in previous posts. This relationship came to a slow painful wind down over months and then to a screeching halt in a matter of a week. During that time, an opportunity presented itself to become a part of a great and talented band. The week that I found out I made it was the same week that I had to break up with him. This band was my saving grace and my driving force to help me through my recovery.

I went out on 5 dates with a guy that I thought had great potential with me. We had good times together taking things slow and just relating/hanging out. By the fifth date, however, I knew that he was not right for me. There were red flags, some that would have been avoided had he been completely honest on his dating profile. For instance, he said he was a nonsmoker, but he actually does smoke sometimes. My original search on that dating website wouldn’t have included him if he’d put that he does smoke. I’m a singer for crying out loud… I can’t deal with trying to escape that. Also, there were just things about his demeanor that turned me off and I couldn’t do anything about that either. So today I had to let him down gently. It was sad because he is a nice guy and he treated me exceptionally well. I enjoyed being loved on by him and he is sweet. But it was the right thing to do and the right time. He deserves to know as soon as possible so he can keep searching for the one for him. It made me sad today because I don’t like hurting people. Later today, I got an email from my talented choir director at the church I love asking me if I would want to become a cantor at the church!! I will be going through full training for it!  My sadness turned to joy.  🙂

THESE are doors closing and opening. At the right times. This is when I see God’s beauty. I see his mind-blowing providence for me who He loves. When I walk in truth, I meet His divine plans for me.

Thank you, God! You are astounding.

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And, ironically, what I realized today is…I forgot to keep track of how long it’s been since we broke up. I stopped counting the days many days ago.

This is very good, indeed.  🙂

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Yesterday was, up until around the hour of the breakup, 6 weeks. And guess what I was doing last night? Playing my first gig with my first “real” band.  🙂

I am completely comfortable being alone and enjoy my company. I am very surprised at this. Isn’t this supposed to take longer? Is it because I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse and so that makes this seem like baby cakes? That’s my best guess. No matter what you would choose… when you go through very trying times in life it shapes you into a different person capable of different processing, strength, and resilience.. really for better or worse.

I am grateful. Maybe people that really know me and my thoughts might get tired of hearing how grateful I am about things, but I have so many things I’m grateful for. And I’ve noticed gratitude really must be tied to resilience level.

I am not concerned about finding a life partner. The exact feeling and thoughts in my brain are something along the lines of “I’m happy being with me and I don’t really have any worry one way or the other about if I end up settling down with someone or even having kids.” I can only imagine this is because I have really started to love myself. I take care of myself and think about taking care of me in the future, not about having to find someone else.

This is a new life for me. But I can feel it is with the same ol’ me. I just love myself and really get it now.

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