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Archive for the ‘Anxiety’ Category

I’d like to think this is a good use of my time writing on my blog. Actually, I know it is because it is re-centering me right now.

Sister’s Wedding. 

Music for my Sister’s Wedding

Maid of Honor

Did I get the job??

He asked me to move in with him 

And I looked at that just now and noticed something… those are all GOOD GOOD things!

I am stressed though. Unfortunately. And I think now that I am processing it, it is because of my sister and my mother’s communication/behavior. My mom is being controlling and apparently wants me to stay with her the entire time. My sister is not communicating about me possibly staying with the the entire time instead (so I can avoid the control freakishness and have the most peace as possible leading up to the wedding.) Worse case scenario: both of those women are not an option to stay with because my sister doesn’t want me there and I can’t stay with a mother who has outbursts. What will I do then? Rent a hotel room and take a cab ride. Problem solved.

So let me look at that list again. Wow. Those are all awesome things!! I had an interview that went really well at a place I would LOVE to work, my wonderful boyfriend asked me to move in with him, and my sister’s wedding (and it’s almost done!)

I won’t let the bad outweigh the good anymore now that I am literally SEEING this for what it is!  🙂  This was absolutely worth every minute of my time because it has put things into perspective and now I am HAPPY!

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You didn’t tell me

Why didn’t you mention the moments in between

The friends the laughter the nights of serene… bliss

That I’d cry myself to sleep

That I’d cry for the kids I see at work

The pain of not knowing why he is distant from me

The worrying about money that won’t stop and can’t be remedied soon

You didn’t tell me

You didn’t mention the hardships I’d face

The choice I didn’t make to exist and survive despite them wasn’t mine

Why?

Why am I here? Why do I have to be the one to cry?

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL LIKE THEY WEREN’T GIVEN THE RIGHT?

It’s not that bad, now is it?

How would I know

I am here now and this is all I know.

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I am going out with him tonight. This will be our fifth date. I’m excited!

I have totally confused the hell out of myself this week. Sometimes I wonder if I block things that are good-I really hope not. Being in the mental health field, I definitely have learned that is possible.

I know that when we met up last time, I did have moments where I just wanted the date to be over. It wasn’t because I didn’t like him… it was more because I had this uncomfortable-ness. Defining that is hard… I just know that since things between us move slow, it makes it harder for me to sit and be comfortable with him. Does that mean I’m being seen and heard? I remember when I saw the psych for couples counseling with my awful exbf this summer, I felt seen and heard and I told my exbf that. I said that maybe I would want to do individual counseling with the psych (for the breakup), but I was scared. My exbf asked me why I was scared and I said because he really listens to me and sees me and I’ve never had a man do that with me before.

Oh god. I may have issues. The kind of issues where you don’t really realize them consciously. But I kind of just broke that barrier in a way…

So I’ll pay attention tonight to how I feel and why. Pay attention to what’s going on in the moment and how I feel about it.

As far as physical attraction, I’m still not completely sure and I think reading what I wrote above explains a little of why I can’t categorize whether I am or am not. He’s not the absolute usual type I would go for, but I can tell instinct wise that is not the important factor here.

He is a bit shy. We have made out three times and each time he asked me if he could kiss me and then sat there for a second or two seemingly waiting for me to kiss him before he did. Tonight, I will very gently tell him he does not have to ask if he wants to kiss me. It’s a turn off in a way, but at the same time I appreciate that he is respectful. Like I said, I’m so used to other things.

Why am I excited? This is why I’m confused. I feel like there is a deeper part of myself I haven’t really noticed before coming to the light. Last time we were together I wrote that previous post. I thought he probably would not be asking me out again. Honestly, I’m almost starting to see a rejected little girl pushing away goodness so she doesn’t get pushed away first. A girl that is uncomfortable with being in company that sees and hears her, that is appropriate with good boundaries.

I didn’t think he would ask me out again. I thought for sure he could pick up on all those feelings from the last date and wouldn’t want to be around it. But here he is texting me this morning asking me how excited I am for tonight on a scale of 1-10 and then telling me he’s a ten!

I do think that I can’t deny that my first instinct about this with him from the very beginning is probably right. This could be a really really good thing if I just WAIT. If I can just stick it out. Something about me even then knew this would be hard for me. It knew I would be squirming a bit. I also knew it was like a girl and boy next door type of thing and it has been ever since then. It’s been slow and NORMAL.

God, I pray for your guidance and your patience inside of me tonight. I deserve a really good thing and I think this might be one you had in mind for me to experience. Please help me to follow through.

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Blue

“So if you’re feelin’ lonely, don’t. You’re the only one I ever want.”

I just saw Bryan Adams tonight in concert. So give me a break on that line coming out.  🙂

But I guess it came out for a reason. My boyfriend is anxious, sleep deprived, numb, living with his parents temporarily, traveling often. lol. wow- I knew it sounded bad, but to see it written out is bad.

You see, I’m not the one who is lonely. I feel for him. I’m pretty sure he is depressed.

I became F’s girlfriend on Nov 1. We were SO happy. The night he asked me to be his girlfriend (I know, I didn’t know guys did that anymore either) it seriously felt like a dream, like I was on cloud 15. The dates before were increasingly awesome as well.

Right after the date when he asked me to be his girlfriend, he began to act different. He was quieter on the next date. I told him that and he chalked it up to being more comfortable and not feeling like he has to keep a conversation going like before. okay. kinda believable.

It’s been going downhill since in that department. And it’s him. He complains that he is anxious because of the short sale he is in the middle of settling on. Saving up money for closing costs. The traveling he is doing (gone this weekend to AC for a bachelor party and then Portugal for a month in December.) Sigh. The date before last he told me he has been so anxious for the entire week and has had trouble sleeping. This week he kept complaining was “off.” Tonight after a Bryan Adams concert he told me he felt numb. I asked, “What do you mean?” (though I was pretty sure) And he said he meant inside. He didn’t come inside my place tonight. He said he was very tired and just wanted to go home and go to bed. He had been yawning the whole night. He knew that “my friend,” as he puts it, was this week so he could be shallow and not come in because of that combined with how exhausted he was, but either way, downhill… increasingly and methodically.

Guys mask depression so well. He really swept me off my feet. That must have been exhausting. The very next date— letting go a bit because he had me secured as his girlfriend.

This isn’t a bad guy. It’s a guy who is depressed and anxious. One that doesn’t know better yet about combining this with dating.

Depression is so simply, sad. I wish people didn’t suffer from this illness. It’s tough to break out of. And then often you return. I think F may have been struggling for a long time before me.

I remember one of the best dates, the fourth date, F held my hand as we were walking out of a restaurant after a really good conversation in which he told me he liked me and other important, intimate things. I could have swore I saw a tear in the corner of his eye. It wasn’t cold out or anything. I thought it may have been because he was really happy. Later, at a cool bar that he likes a lot, he told me more about his best friend that he lost in a motorcycle accident. He had mentioned it before. He told me it’s been two years and it still feels like it’s yesterday. This time he did tear up and I held his hand.

When I think back on that knowing what I know now… it makes a lot more sense. People cry a lot when they are depressed.

I hate this for him. I mean sure, I will miss him, I don’t want to have to leave. But I care about F and I hate this for him. If I could take it away I would.

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This has been the theme of my life after making good decisions with guys. And the watching of the new door opening is NOT a new guy coming into my life.  😉

I went through a very tough breakup in July as I blogged about in previous posts. This relationship came to a slow painful wind down over months and then to a screeching halt in a matter of a week. During that time, an opportunity presented itself to become a part of a great and talented band. The week that I found out I made it was the same week that I had to break up with him. This band was my saving grace and my driving force to help me through my recovery.

I went out on 5 dates with a guy that I thought had great potential with me. We had good times together taking things slow and just relating/hanging out. By the fifth date, however, I knew that he was not right for me. There were red flags, some that would have been avoided had he been completely honest on his dating profile. For instance, he said he was a nonsmoker, but he actually does smoke sometimes. My original search on that dating website wouldn’t have included him if he’d put that he does smoke. I’m a singer for crying out loud… I can’t deal with trying to escape that. Also, there were just things about his demeanor that turned me off and I couldn’t do anything about that either. So today I had to let him down gently. It was sad because he is a nice guy and he treated me exceptionally well. I enjoyed being loved on by him and he is sweet. But it was the right thing to do and the right time. He deserves to know as soon as possible so he can keep searching for the one for him. It made me sad today because I don’t like hurting people. Later today, I got an email from my talented choir director at the church I love asking me if I would want to become a cantor at the church!! I will be going through full training for it!  My sadness turned to joy.  🙂

THESE are doors closing and opening. At the right times. This is when I see God’s beauty. I see his mind-blowing providence for me who He loves. When I walk in truth, I meet His divine plans for me.

Thank you, God! You are astounding.

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I log on to write a post about how I see how I’ve matured in a very important area over the last few months and I get a notification that it’s my five-year anniversary on this blog! That kind of gave a whole new perspective on how much I’ve grown!

I’ve learned how to have a life and be happy even while I don’t know what’s coming next in my romantic relationship. Anybody that has fought this battle knows it is a battle that has to be fought for to win. I’m not saying I have mastered it to a “T”, but I’m living it out now. I am REALLY happy. I just went to a young adults event where I got to talk to some old friends, started to make new ones, and connected with current ones– I am soaring! And then I talked with my bf briefly about some of the things that I don’t know about (as far as staying in a relationship) and it didn’t even “shake my foundation” which is how it usually feels. I’m grateful. This is the Jewels I’ve wanted for so long and I know that it takes maintaining. It’s taking care of myself. I am proud of the work I have done to get me here. And I am grateful for the love, friendship, and family that allowed it to happen.

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I have PTSD. I dread writing this post. My last post was in May 2012 so as you can see blogging is not really my thing. Sigh.

I’m doing this because I’m trying to take care of myself. To talk through things. I’m in therapy; I have been for over 2 years. I went through a divorce and started going to therapy one month before my ex and I separated because I knew I wasn’t doing well mentally.

I’m in a relationship now and we just celebrated our one year anniversary last weekend. We’ve known each other since October 2011. I love him. But my PTSD is causing a lot of problems in our relationship. I don’t know why he stays with me. I know that he loves me comparably to anyone who has loved me the most in my life. He is stable. He’s strong.

The last time I saw him I felt for the first time that there was a sort of thin wall in front of me. I couldn’t feel things with him like I always have. This was the first time. I’m terrified it won’t be the last. I’m so scared this PTSD is going to ruin me and us.

Somebody please give me encouragement and support. My reactions scare me. Have you had PTSD? Mine is from my bad marriage where the person I was with cheated on me numerous times, yes, but also was suicidal and cut himself.

Any encouragement is welcome.

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