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Archive for June, 2014

Just maybe things are not like all soft and fluffy even half the time.

I mean… maybe reality is reality 100% of the time and the fluffy, magical stuff sifts it’s way through life as incalculable moments. Not predictable, most often not premeditated, in gratefulness-producing ways… maybe that’s how the fluffy, magical stuff happens.

And maybe part of that reality is that you notice this more as you age. You see more reality and less magic because you are the one responsible for your life now…you set the stage for everything… and you are even able to produce life that will experience the magic often until they become of age.

The cool thing is, the older you get, the more the magical fluffy moments mean when they actually do happen. You become even more grateful for them with time.

Perhaps every self aware person with at least average intelligence and normal insight realizes at a certain point during their young adult years that expecting the fluffy, magical stuff to appear at a certain rate or in a certain time frame is setting yourself up for disappointment and a reality check.

I think that is probably, really true. And I think that for me, that night is tonight. I’m 32. I’ve been married before. I’ve lived some life yet. But I think this concept is becoming it’s full self in my brain tonight.

Maybe it really is about doing life, the daily ins and outs, taking enjoyment and meaning from that. When and if those fluffy, magical moments happen, and I think they do for most everyone if their heart is open, they mean so much and provide comfort and stir gratefulness in us.

And it isn’t simply because we are responsible for our lives and set the stage for “everything” that we don’t have as many magical moments as we did when we were younger. I believe it might be because as we mature, we are able to handle less. I believe also that the less that we have in this regard, the more gratefulness we have when those moments do come. When we have more gratefulness in our lives, we are more fulfilled and satisfied as human beings.

This is my theory. I’m still growing up. Tonight I learned just a bit more.

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I trust actions over words.

But then there are times when the actions need the words to explain and that is something I’m not used to. When actions come slower than normal is that the end all be all or does an explanation make it okay? Like if fear stops someone from being affectionate. Stops someone from making the first move a lot of the time.

Or should the slow moves be the only thing I look at? Do they speak for themselves?

I am not used to slow movers. I am not used to people who are afraid of expressing their emotions a good portion of the time through touch and words. What should I make of that?

My instincts told me to “wait” in the beginning… when it was so damn obvious this was completely different from what I have experienced. So what do my instincts tell me now?

They tell me he has trouble expressing his emotions. He is scared of them and scared of being vulnerable. That this will take a while. That’s what my gut says.

My gut also says that he is affectionate because he has been. I’ve noticed the times he is not and it’s when he is stressed out. It’s especially noticeable with work. If he isn’t intimate with me, for most of the time it’s when he is tired. I see that he has become more comfortable and more open about touching me etc since the beginning… less than 6 months ago. He is just slow moving in his progress.

Am I okay with this?

To an extent. I will not be comfortable making the first move all the time… so I won’t. I won’t be comfortable with him not knowing that affection means a lot to me and it’s how I bond. So I’ll reiterate it. I have said that touch was something that helped me experience, but I didn’t say what it meant to me. That’s my responsibility to make it clear.

One thing that has existed from the beginning is that I always feel safe with him. It’s a comfort and it’s underrated. Safe meaning a knowing that his motivations are pure… and to an extent understanding them without words. He is my dual by socionics terms. I wasn’t surprised to find that out a few months into the relationship; that describes how I feel about him and how he has described how he feels about me and from being with me from the get go.

So I’ll stick with this. It’s more than worth it. I like him a lot and even through the difficulty of him expressing his emotions and feeling it hard to be vulnerable. I’ll learn to communicate my needs more with him and not bottle things up inside; this is an unfortunate weakness of mine. So we’ll sharpen each other like swords.

I’m lucky to have this man. Peace is found in this relationship. Safety. Attraction. Joy. Sharing the love of people. Respect. Admiration.

Sometimes, I just have to process things to see them in their real context.

 

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