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Archive for January, 2014

I am going out with him tonight. This will be our fifth date. I’m excited!

I have totally confused the hell out of myself this week. Sometimes I wonder if I block things that are good-I really hope not. Being in the mental health field, I definitely have learned that is possible.

I know that when we met up last time, I did have moments where I just wanted the date to be over. It wasn’t because I didn’t like him… it was more because I had this uncomfortable-ness. Defining that is hard… I just know that since things between us move slow, it makes it harder for me to sit and be comfortable with him. Does that mean I’m being seen and heard? I remember when I saw the psych for couples counseling with my awful exbf this summer, I felt seen and heard and I told my exbf that. I said that maybe I would want to do individual counseling with the psych (for the breakup), but I was scared. My exbf asked me why I was scared and I said because he really listens to me and sees me and I’ve never had a man do that with me before.

Oh god. I may have issues. The kind of issues where you don’t really realize them consciously. But I kind of just broke that barrier in a way…

So I’ll pay attention tonight to how I feel and why. Pay attention to what’s going on in the moment and how I feel about it.

As far as physical attraction, I’m still not completely sure and I think reading what I wrote above explains a little of why I can’t categorize whether I am or am not. He’s not the absolute usual type I would go for, but I can tell instinct wise that is not the important factor here.

He is a bit shy. We have made out three times and each time he asked me if he could kiss me and then sat there for a second or two seemingly waiting for me to kiss him before he did. Tonight, I will very gently tell him he does not have to ask if he wants to kiss me. It’s a turn off in a way, but at the same time I appreciate that he is respectful. Like I said, I’m so used to other things.

Why am I excited? This is why I’m confused. I feel like there is a deeper part of myself I haven’t really noticed before coming to the light. Last time we were together I wrote that previous post. I thought he probably would not be asking me out again. Honestly, I’m almost starting to see a rejected little girl pushing away goodness so she doesn’t get pushed away first. A girl that is uncomfortable with being in company that sees and hears her, that is appropriate with good boundaries.

I didn’t think he would ask me out again. I thought for sure he could pick up on all those feelings from the last date and wouldn’t want to be around it. But here he is texting me this morning asking me how excited I am for tonight on a scale of 1-10 and then telling me he’s a ten!

I do think that I can’t deny that my first instinct about this with him from the very beginning is probably right. This could be a really really good thing if I just WAIT. If I can just stick it out. Something about me even then knew this would be hard for me. It knew I would be squirming a bit. I also knew it was like a girl and boy next door type of thing and it has been ever since then. It’s been slow and NORMAL.

God, I pray for your guidance and your patience inside of me tonight. I deserve a really good thing and I think this might be one you had in mind for me to experience. Please help me to follow through.

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Physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.

It may be an enigma for me.

I wish that it was not so rare. But then how special would it be? Things that great should be far and few between.

I hope that I find a gift of a partner like this. If I don’t, I’ll be happy with myself. I’ve learned how to live the single life now and be honestly happy. There are moments when you are in a relationship and you wish you were single, sometimes more than just moments. And there are sometimes when you are single that you wish you were in a relationship. Life isn’t about what you don’t have-it’s about what you do. Gratefulness.

I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve chosen wrong people to be with, even when I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt it was wrong. I’ve made passionate love that was better than I could imagine. I’ve not had a good, honest man, that I’ve made passionate love to that was better than I could have dreamt.

I won’t settle for less than physical attraction+emotional attraction+chemistry.  It’s what I deserve if I commit to anyone. It is rare. It is good that it is rare. I’ve learned that I can be happy single and I’ve learned settling is horrible for the human heart.

I will live my life out loud, with joy. That’s what I’ll do. That’s my plan. If there is a partner for me out there, I know that I’ll be open and happy enough for him to find his place next to me.

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There was this guy I met up for drinks with. I knew when I saw him that it was not likely going to be a match. He was shorter than his profile said which subconsciously irked me to begin with. I had to lead the conversation the entire time we talked, which was like two hours, which was exhausting. There were good moments, but that was it. Short story shorter, we decided to be friends. However, I had been noticing as time developed that this guy seemed to have a different personality in person than through text. He was open, kind of too confident, and nice in text. In person he was too quiet, slow moving, and looked a little sad. Besides this acknowledgement, I had a gut feeling he was emotionally a little off or perpetually raw for some reason.

I decided to meet up with him as friends so last night we went to a restaurant and ate dinner at the bar. By this time, I knew that what I was doing at the end of the day was once again testing my good instinct if anything else. To me, there was only the tiniest of chances that we would actually really be friends, but that was something worth meeting up for if it was possible. So I went though I wanted to cancel so many times.

Instinct was right on par. He was even sadder this time, likely due to not really being able to be friends and have good spirits about it. The conversation was so trying. I knew it was going to be a long dinner. The vibe I got was that he was a little angry. When I broached the topic of being single and just talked about that life in general, just like the first date, he talked about how abnormal people are out there….how there are so many messed up people and that you have to sift through so many weird ones to get to the normal ones. I get that… but to talk about it like he did and each time I’ve seen him just makes me realize (like my gut was telling me), he is one of the “not okay” ones spouting out that everyone else is crazy. I don’t trust people that make the dating scene seem like it’s full of weirdos to an inordinate extent. It just singles you out even more!

Anyway, I won’t be pursuing a friendship with this guy. And in the realm of finding out if my instincts are as good as I have found them to be, I affirmed that again last night with this situation.

In good news, the guy I have seen three times now and have a good feeling about asked me out again.

And on a random note, but maybe not so much, I want to repost a great video that I found on a blog over three years ago. It’s pretty famous, but in case anyone wants to revisit it or discover it, enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs

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oops

I guess… dating matters more to me than I thought? Something like that. With this guy that I am dating (2 dates so far), I actually respect him and think that there could be something with him. Like a good thing… a really special thing. A normal, really special, good thing… you know what I’m saying?

So he didn’t ask if I wanted to see him again after the date was over like he did on the first date. Like a lot of guys do before the date is done. It could mean something or it could not- the story of dating. The next day he didn’t text in the early part of the day like he did last time to say hi or to ask me on another date. He had been texting me everyday since the first date so I know what his usual habits would be. This time the date seemed a bit less excited than the first… which is normal, but it doesn’t have to be that way. So I started to think that possibly I’d never hear from him. Then I wondered if I acted too cold or if I was doing my part. I just started thinking too much. So I texted him first for the first time. I said, “Hey D! Just wanted to say hi and thanks again for yesterday. It was so nice getting to know you better & I loved the ice skating/tour of your hometown. 🙂 Hope you are having a good Sunday so far!” 

What ensued is that he did text me back and then he eventually said “I’m looking forward to seeing you again.” As if I knew I was going to see him again?? So I said, “I’d really like that.”  He said, “Awesome! Let’s try to plan something this week :)”  

Even as I write that I think… “hmmm, I wonder if he is really going to try to plan something this week with me.” 

And you know what? When I found out that he was “looking forward to seeing me again” it didn’t really satisfy me much. Like it didn’t satisfy the “whatever I was feeling” where I wanted to know if he was going to drop me or he was second thinking things. It was an interesting realization. 

Then I slowly realized… I have me. The relief came slowly, I think. I realized the foundation and security I felt in myself and began to feel more satisfied. I also remembered when I didn’t have this a couple of years ago and the anxiety that would set in. The scared feeling. The void that needed to be filled. 

So I guess dating may mean more to me than I thought… but when it does present something I don’t like or that would make me sad or vulnerable… I’m able to accept it and fall back into my soft space. Me. That’s incredible. That’s love. 

I’m grateful. Because I remember days gone by when this was not the case… 

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Here I am embarking on another saga in the dating world. This guy I respect a lot. No doubt he has a good head on his shoulders. He was in ROTC and the Army for 5 years. Now he has a very admirable career that I shouldn’t mention on the internet. All in all, his professional life gives way to his character.

It will take a while for us to get to know each other to get inside our inner circles. We are both the same; we are very friendly and open, but to be known as someone close to us takes a bit. I have not really been with someone like me in this regard. The word that comes to mind for this is “NORMAL.” This seems like the boy and girl next door kind of relationship that develops over time in a healthy way. I can’t really imagine it beyond that because I haven’t experienced it before.

It is kind of a challenge to be patient with this, but only for the sake of it not being the norm. Then my gut kicks in and is like, “This is a good thing. Wait for it.”

So I will. And let’s keep it real and say this is again, dating. So at any point, I could never hear from him again. Or something else could happen. But I think…if I stick with it… this might work out to be a good thing. If it does, I’ll write a blog about the first date and the ironies on that. The second date… there were enough clues to remind me of the first date’s ironies. Here’s to hoping I’ll get to share that one day!

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