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Archive for November, 2013

Two posts in one day. Sigh. I take care of myself well- this blog is one of my outlets.

I stopped dating F today. He texted me out of the blue. I’m surprised that he had the balls to keep texting me:

F: Hey u, how is ur day going? Hope you’ve been having a great day 🙂

J: Hey. I hope you have been having a great day too. I’m sorry to tell you this, but we can no longer date, F. I hope that you do reach all the goals and dreams you shared w me & wish you the best. Have a good Thanksgiving

F: Bummer, sorry to hear that but I get where it’s coming from. Really hope you don’t feel like I’ve wasted your time, wasn’t my intention at all…really wished it would have worked out but overall it’s just been terrible timing. Anyway best wishes for you and Happy Thanksgiving… I really enjoyed getting to know you.

It’s just been terrible timing. That will be his mantra. And did I mention we talked about 2.5 years ago and he just dropped off communication then? Then he tried to pick it back up, but I ignored it. Likely, it will always be “terrible timing” for F. Look, I know guys can be doofuses innocently. This guy I think wanted to be a good guy but copped out a lot at the end of the day. I know this by the stories he told me and the decisions he has made. “Terrible timing” also doesn’t make you not figure out Thanksgiving plans till the last minute after inviting you over, blame your parents, not make new plans, and not even apologize.

There are a ton of reasons why this wasn’t a good match for me, but ultimately, this is dating. It is what it is. If I happen to find a great match one day, it will be because the “not good matches” aren’t in my life. That’s just the way it is. I thought about being friends with him because there is very little emotional attachment and it could work, but his character turns me off. I don’t want to call someone like that a friend- they aren’t dependable.

On a different note, I noticed that I was also talking to my two best friends at the time who both reached out to me. They didn’t know that I was in the middle of breaking up with F and I still haven’t told them yet. It was just comforting to have them both be talking to me at the same time and while I went through with this. It was like a dose of reality to encourage me to get it over with. I don’t like hurting people so telling people “we can’t date anymore” is something I really never like doing.

One of those best friends is who I made backup plans with to go over her inlaws house to celebrate Thanksgiving. I’ve known the family for like 3.5 years now. But she is pregnant and is having horrible morning sickness today. She may not be able to make it tomorrow. I may be able to go see her at her house even though her husband and daughter are going still, but it depends how she feels. So I actually may be alone on Thanksgiving for the first time ever. I am scared. What I want to point out though, is that my friend apologized not once, but twice about possibly changing plans on me. That’s what real friends, decent human beings do, unlike F. It was nice to have that ironically happen today just to drive that whole point home.

Life always goes on. I will always get stronger. I know how to take care of myself. I am a lucky woman.

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I’m not an idiot when it comes to guys. I’ve had enough experience with men that have severe issues to know when something is up. I don’t hide under rocks and hope for the best. I don’t kid myself in exchange for continued pleasure.

This is why I was so blunt in my last post. I know F is a douchebag revealing himself overtime. He was completely different before he asked me to be his girlfriend. The chase was over for this could be player and he was in a relationship he wasn’t ready for.

So about the Thanksgiving plans… the ones that I knew instinctually would be thrown out the window though he invited me over his parents house on date #6. This is the text conversation:

F: Hey u, how’s ur day going so far? Small problem, I caught my mom today before heading to work and asked her what the deal is for thanksgiving. Turns out my fathers partner invited them to spend it with them being that their kids are away in college and aren’t coming home for the holidays. So it’s not at my house this year, which is weird. I really don’t think I want to attend that though.

Me nonchalantly texting back, acting oblivious to the fact that he just uprooted a single person’s plans for Thanksgiving without any indication of that being made up for though he invited me. You get more information out of the person when you communicate this way: Hey 🙂 it’s going good. Just meeting w ppl so far. I had no idea this storm was coming! How’s your day been? Hmm I see about Thanksgiving. What do you think you will do then?

F (6 hours later): Ugh what a rough day, I’m just leaving now :/ can’t wait to get home. I have no idea, still kind of taken back by the whole thing; I think they should’ve gave me more notice especially since they know I’m seeing someone. 

You mean, your parents didn’t take care of you and your date for Thanksgiving and inform you, because you are living in their home like an adult child, that they are doing Thanksgiving not revolving around you? That’s if this story is even true. And considering the last time you saw me, for the very first time you didn’t secure plans to see me again, I’d say you knew about this for a while… again if this is even true.

That very well may be the last word spoken from my brain to F’s. You don’t change plans on someone two days before Thanksgiving #1, #2 you definitely apologize!, #3 if you aren’t going to this dinner and I’m obviously not going, why not make plans with me since you extinguished the plans we had… if you are so interested in dating me?

He’s a douchebag. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Not apparent to the naked eye always, but first impressions do say a lot. Mine of F, btw, was exactly this “Aw, he’s a young man who just got over the club scene and is trying to look for something real & serious.” Turns out, F still does go to clubs sometimes.

It’s a good thing I don’t feel I need a man or feel that I need to be single. It’s a good thing that I know that all I want and need to be satisfied in this life is to be happy with me and the life I create for myself.

This is what I’m grateful and thankful for this Thanksgiving. I realize that so many people do not believe or understand this way of living… but it is the truth in my life that I could not have been happier to find.

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I think I might be using him. Or did tonight. Who would have ever thought?

I had the opportunity to talk to him about being unexclusive possibly. I found myself not really wanting to have a serious conversation tonight and possibly ruin the mood. You see, on Friday night I ended up having a conversation with him on the phone. It was a serious one which resulted in me saying… “Why are we even dating still?” To which he said “Are you saying you don’t want to?” And I said bla bla blah.

There’s a big backstory. He is in the middle of a short sale, the short sale is taking a long time (like a yr), and though it should be finished in January for sure, he has had to live with friends after his lease ended in August and now his parents temporarily until January. He will also be gone for four weeks in Portugal, too, before the short sale comes to a close in January. I’m boring myself talking about this. Suffice it to say, the reason my last relationship ended (the main reason) is now what F is doing… living with his parents. I told him this is making me uncomfy and told him I am only telling him this because I want him to know what’s going on with me and not keep secrets. He understood, but at the same time doesn’t like how my past affects this now. I told him… “Of course it affects me, but the main thing is that this relationship feels a bit lopsided. I can’t go over your house and see how you live and take care of yourself. I have shared all this with you. I don’t feel like I can get to know you as well as I should be right now.”

So that’s where we are… but Friday night’s phone call was tense & it ended with F saying he wanted to keep going and see where things go for a bit.

Whatever.

So tonight we did our usual dinner and then come back to my place. It was a light hearted night. It occurred to me after he left that this was the first time he didn’t secure plans with me for the next time we get together. Therefore the obvious is that we might not be getting together again. And that is obvious because this week is Thanksgiving… and though he invited me over his house to Thanksgiving and to meet his parents, that was on date number 6 when F was much more happy and less stressed out.

I have no idea what he will do this week. He could have just used me tonight just to be with me one last time. I could ask, but you know what? I’m so damn curious as to how he is going to handle this. I want to see if he actually is going to have me over to meet his parents. In the meantime, I already today asked my best friend if I could join them for Thanksgiving so I have backup plans.

Did I get used tonight? Time will tell. But I did use F; I totally avoided adult conversation so that the mood wasn’t ruined and the night ended with a good time. Who would have thought.

And you know what? I’m going to force myself to be honest right now. Partially so I can process this and also so I can relate to you all out there.

I hope that F didn’t use me. It would hurt my pride and I’ve never had this kind of experience. But then I say, “I used F tonight.” I did, but I didn’t do it in a planned out way. I just don’t like thinking someone had the upper hand on me. I’m sure that isn’t uncommon, but I don’t like that about me. I wish I could just c’est la vie – it and not let it bother me. It’s about vulnerability, I guess. I know the best partnerships out there exude vulnerability and trust. Hopefully, I’ll get better at vulnerability as I go along.

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Blue

“So if you’re feelin’ lonely, don’t. You’re the only one I ever want.”

I just saw Bryan Adams tonight in concert. So give me a break on that line coming out.  🙂

But I guess it came out for a reason. My boyfriend is anxious, sleep deprived, numb, living with his parents temporarily, traveling often. lol. wow- I knew it sounded bad, but to see it written out is bad.

You see, I’m not the one who is lonely. I feel for him. I’m pretty sure he is depressed.

I became F’s girlfriend on Nov 1. We were SO happy. The night he asked me to be his girlfriend (I know, I didn’t know guys did that anymore either) it seriously felt like a dream, like I was on cloud 15. The dates before were increasingly awesome as well.

Right after the date when he asked me to be his girlfriend, he began to act different. He was quieter on the next date. I told him that and he chalked it up to being more comfortable and not feeling like he has to keep a conversation going like before. okay. kinda believable.

It’s been going downhill since in that department. And it’s him. He complains that he is anxious because of the short sale he is in the middle of settling on. Saving up money for closing costs. The traveling he is doing (gone this weekend to AC for a bachelor party and then Portugal for a month in December.) Sigh. The date before last he told me he has been so anxious for the entire week and has had trouble sleeping. This week he kept complaining was “off.” Tonight after a Bryan Adams concert he told me he felt numb. I asked, “What do you mean?” (though I was pretty sure) And he said he meant inside. He didn’t come inside my place tonight. He said he was very tired and just wanted to go home and go to bed. He had been yawning the whole night. He knew that “my friend,” as he puts it, was this week so he could be shallow and not come in because of that combined with how exhausted he was, but either way, downhill… increasingly and methodically.

Guys mask depression so well. He really swept me off my feet. That must have been exhausting. The very next date— letting go a bit because he had me secured as his girlfriend.

This isn’t a bad guy. It’s a guy who is depressed and anxious. One that doesn’t know better yet about combining this with dating.

Depression is so simply, sad. I wish people didn’t suffer from this illness. It’s tough to break out of. And then often you return. I think F may have been struggling for a long time before me.

I remember one of the best dates, the fourth date, F held my hand as we were walking out of a restaurant after a really good conversation in which he told me he liked me and other important, intimate things. I could have swore I saw a tear in the corner of his eye. It wasn’t cold out or anything. I thought it may have been because he was really happy. Later, at a cool bar that he likes a lot, he told me more about his best friend that he lost in a motorcycle accident. He had mentioned it before. He told me it’s been two years and it still feels like it’s yesterday. This time he did tear up and I held his hand.

When I think back on that knowing what I know now… it makes a lot more sense. People cry a lot when they are depressed.

I hate this for him. I mean sure, I will miss him, I don’t want to have to leave. But I care about F and I hate this for him. If I could take it away I would.

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