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Archive for August, 2013

Yesterday was, up until around the hour of the breakup, 6 weeks. And guess what I was doing last night? Playing my first gig with my first “real” band.  🙂

I am completely comfortable being alone and enjoy my company. I am very surprised at this. Isn’t this supposed to take longer? Is it because I’ve been through a hell of a lot worse and so that makes this seem like baby cakes? That’s my best guess. No matter what you would choose… when you go through very trying times in life it shapes you into a different person capable of different processing, strength, and resilience.. really for better or worse.

I am grateful. Maybe people that really know me and my thoughts might get tired of hearing how grateful I am about things, but I have so many things I’m grateful for. And I’ve noticed gratitude really must be tied to resilience level.

I am not concerned about finding a life partner. The exact feeling and thoughts in my brain are something along the lines of “I’m happy being with me and I don’t really have any worry one way or the other about if I end up settling down with someone or even having kids.” I can only imagine this is because I have really started to love myself. I take care of myself and think about taking care of me in the future, not about having to find someone else.

This is a new life for me. But I can feel it is with the same ol’ me. I just love myself and really get it now.

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It’s been 31 days, an entire month, since the breakup. I am doing and feeling alright and much better than expected.

It’s fueled, I’m sure, because of logic and practicality. Oh, if I want to be totally pragmatic about it. I don’t. To be honest, It has more to do with learning how to love myself. Like… really. If you practice self love, you know, and if you don’t, you don’t.

It wasn’t because of my infinite wisdom that I started. It was because of me wanting to help myself and researching enough about how to make it through this time as best I could and to benefit from it some how. It all comes down to love. I saw this stated in trite ways, in psychological ways, in silly ways, and in peculiar ways– but I always saw it. And one way that I thought was poignant was to actually tell myself that I love myself. So yah, as odd as that sounds, I do; I tell myself that I love myself while looking in the mirror everyday. It’s even expounded to “I will always have your back, Julie. I have your best interests in mind. You can trust me whole heartedly.”

There is something about looking yourself in the eyes and saying that to your own self. Most of the time we are getting ready or critiquing ourselves in the mirror and don’t make much eye contact. When you do, it’s kind of inescapable that there is a soul inside the body that you primp each day. You see you.

I think I have been doing this for about a week and a half now, but I’m not sure when I started. I do know that I am different because of it and the reason I feel as well as I do is all because of this love. I’ve noticed a change particularly in what I allow in my mind. I don’t really want to watch horror or creepy movies. I’ve noticed I don’t feel at peace when I do and have recognized that anxiety as the one where I’m contradicting loving myself… yes, like I felt a lot of times in that relationship. It’s been surprising to see the effects of saying I love you to myself. I am believing it. I have more peace than I bargained for. I enjoy spending time with myself (really, this soon after a breakup?) It’s REALLY surprising what love can do.

Maybe this should be taught in elementary school. Maybe if it was taught that young, it would stay with us throughout the years and we would be so much better off as adults than learning what I’m about to say in our 20’s, 30’s, or even later.

We must love ourselves first. No one is going to love us more than we love ourselves. It’s only through our love for ourselves that will we surround ourselves with people that love themselves and therefore can love us. Love attracts love and the rest will fall away. It is also through our self love that we see what we can give others in love. If we can’t love ourselves, we don’t have love to give other people.

And perhaps… this is right on time for me. I can’t complain much about timing and even after all I’ve been through, my life has been good. I will turn 32 in a little over a month and… I’ve become excited about that. Because it’s me… and I’m really loving myself and everything I’ve been created to be.

I am grateful for love.

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This pain is scary and I want it to go away. It sneaks up like a snake and it slithers around slowly in my brain for a period of time before I make a sudden exit or the snake gets distracted and leaves.

Why does it have to be there when he was such a fucking jerk? I know he didn’t do his most grievous fault of indecision about us out of maliciousness. But why should I have to suffer anymore? Come on. If there are areas in life where it should be easy heartache should be one, right?

I’m so scared subconsciously that I’m going to waste an inordinate amount of time grieving over the loss of this relationship. (could it even be called that?) My friend told me the exact opposite- that because of the situation that he believes that it won’t take an inordinate amount of time before my emotions give way to logic and I’ll be through this. When my friend saw me the other day, he said “in a few more weeks.” God, I hope that’s true. There’s no way that can happen? (no)

I WILL NOT ACCEPT ASSHOLES ANYMORE. I WILL TRUST MYSELF AND EVERY RED FLAG I SEE.

It is not worth it to go through this for men that are not worth it.

I hope one day I can look back at this time with wisdom and a smile of strength and peace because it all worked out okay. I hope.

I want to be with a life partner and I think I want to have kids. I will be 32 years old next month. God help me. Just help me be happy. Give me what I need and what is right above what I think I want.

I’m scared and I hate these moments of pain. Help me sit with it and survive through it. Help me not to settle for ways of rushing through healing.

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