Archive for May, 2012

If you love someone, I say don’t rush things. ┬áDon’t let your misunderstanding or not understanding of anything and the pursuing anxiety take over. BE PATIENT. Give things time.

I broke up with him for the second time. It was the same night as my last post. I thought I was doing the right thing. And you know what? I did the best I could. It really couldn’t have happened any other way for me.

But it was not the right thing to do.

I never understood if he was a Mama’s boy. I was on the lookout for one. I had one before and I never, ever want one again. But I couldn’t even say that term to him in conversation about it because I didn’t want to insult him. Instead I tried to talk things out and see if I could figure out what was important to him and add that to what I saw. But I never got a clear answer. And because of that… I let anxiety take over and just broke it off.

What I wanted to know is: “Do you have room in your life for me?” “Do you want to have room in your life for me?”

After we broke up, I found it in me to ask him the hard questions I couldn’t before and to use the term Mama’s boy. I guess, I didn’t have anything to lose. I told him about what a Mama’s boy is and the bounty of them in the south, how my ex was one, and how I found a different version of them in Italian form when I moved up here. ­čÖé It wasn’t easy for me to say that, especially since he is Italian, but I wanted him to understand where I was coming from. I didn’t do it in a mean way. And you know what, I got the answers I had wanted. He in fact, is not a Mama’s boy. But we were broken up. What I learned from that is you have to ask and state what you need. Period. You do it in the nicest way you can do and not worry too much about others reactions.

If I had the capacity and knowledge to not let my anxiety about ending up with a Mama’s boy take over… make a repeat of a past mistake… I never would have broken up with him. I would have kept asking questions and asked the hard ones. I would have been patient with understanding and coming to a conclusion. I would have went to couples counseling to help understand this issue like he suggested.

I really hurt him by breaking up with him.

He never stopped pursuing me over the next 4 days until we got back into a relationship with each other. But I didn’t realize the hurt I caused him until after we got back together. We talked openly about it because it naturally came up. I really listened. And in a separate conversation so he could know I really meant it and wasn’t just responding that night, I sincerely apologized to him for breaking up with him both times. I told him that I would not hurt him like that again.

I am a really good person. But I have my flaws and lessons to go through just like everyone else. This was a particularly ┬áhard one for me because the worst thing I feel I can do is hurt someone else and I did that. So I’m sharing it.

He doesn’t trust people easily. And that night when I apologized he really appreciated it and told me that it’s just going to take time to build trust. He explained that his feelings towards me were damaged because he is hurt, but that he believes it can work out. I asked him if he was happy being in a relationship with me and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to be in this relationship and he said yes. I asked him if he wanted to see us work out and he said yes. Over the next couple of days it was really tough for me anxiety wise. I didn’t know if he would break up with me over putting up walls or if he could trust me again. But those questions and “yes” responses provided a foundation for me during those anxious times to help me know he is “for us.”

But then something shifted. Something┬áreally changed. I have no idea as introspective as I am what it is. But I suddenly just had peace. I had relaxation and faith that everything is good. Even just this past week my therapist mentioned she had seen a change…that I seem really satisfied or something to that effect.. that the anxiety wasn’t there.

And he has begun to trust me much more quickly than I anticipated. I would think it has a lot to do with the unexplained peace that I have which he undoubtedly picks up on. He opens up to me and that to me indicates that there is trust there.

I look up to this man. I respect him. And I really love him.

You just never know.


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