Archive for April, 2012

I think I love him. Well, I know I do. I may not love him in a HUGE way yet, but I do love him. To me its like the verse that talks about “When you have the faith of a mustard seed….”

There’s something about this man. I think he has a beautiful mind and God knows how attracted I am to his body. He makes me more independent and I like that, too, as much as it scares me to not have him by my side when I do music events. I’m not used to that. I’m used to being enmeshed. I’m not used to having our hearts similar, but some activities different.

I love this man, but I hold back. Because, yes, he does live with his mother. Yes, it’s hard on me to see him so attached to her. I’m jealous. I want him all for myself. But in reality, I see that he loves her appropriately for what they have both been through… losing their husband/father when they were young and his mother having health problems.

I tell him and have told him this is the number one concern for us- that I don’t understand the degree of attachment. I ask him questions… even saying things like, “I really don’t know if this sounds mean or what, but I find myself wondering if you are not married yet because of your mother.” Each time, he has the appropriate answers that show that things are not dysfunctional… just different. Just not easy.

It’s hard for me to let myself love him BIG, because I REALLY REALLY REALLY don’t want to settle. To do that would terrify me. Everything about relationships for me is about if it will make it in the long term. It comes with the territory of having been married once, cheated on, and maturing greatly because of it. I know what I want.

But do I want to be with a man whose mother will be in the picture a great majority of the time? It’s so hard to say no to this one man.


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