Archive for June, 2011


Dammit! It sucks not to be in a relationship or dating now! Have I said that already?

I almost don’t know what to do with myself.

And I am studying therapy now so I do know how pathetic this all sounds… I don’t care. I’m just being honest.


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Last night I had a interesting dream. I don’t remember the whole thing, but I remember one portion of it as if it was a video clip.

Me and the man I was romantically involved with were riding in an SUV-he was driving and I was sitting in the passenger side. He was older than me, tall, handsome (but not movie star handsome), and his voice was deep. I was asking what happened to the radio station we were listening to because it was starting to play suckier music than I was used to hearing. He explained to me that two radio stations had merged together so that is why they are playing a different mix of music. I expressed my disappointment and sadness strongly, but then said something to the effect of, “Well, at least they didn’t change 103.5. That would be horrible!”

He replied something to the effect of, “Oh my god! If they ever changed that station I would be pissed!” He said it so passionately. I was looking at him while he was saying it and just kept looking at him afterwards with a smile on my face. I loved this man and loved that we agreed on this point, but really it wasn’t about the fact that we agreed so much as we were… connected. He looked back at me smiling and it was a “moment.” I wanted him.

We were emotionally available to each other. I was safe with him.

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We filed.

Today we filed for divorce.

We handed in a signed & notarized copy of the PSA to our mediator so it’s now in effect.

I can’t describe how I feel very well, but I’m cry-ey.

We had a pleasant time together today traveling around New Brunswick to get things done.

It’s difficult saying just “bye” to each other. Awkward but mostly just painful.

I want to allow myself to feel, but myself doesn’t know how yet. My eyes cry, but not sob. Or only for a few seconds sob. I’m going to get there one day and I’m already improving with therapy.

We should both get the docket number on or around Tuesday. Then we email the mediator and tell him the docket number and tell him to push a court date, etc. We both thought that we were going to get a docket number today so it was disappointing. But he helped me put things in perspective and said that “at least it isn’t 30 days” comparing it to the wait if we hadn’t filed together. That’s true. One week compared to 30 days is nothing.

Then the same lady (the secretary/receptionist at family court) told us that it’s up to them “upstairs” but that all in all we should be divorced 12-18 weeks from now. THAT was hugely disappointing. We thought it was more like 30 days. And all of these previous thoughts attached with positive hopes were brought on by the lawyer who gave me counsel on the PSA. But again Brad helped me put things in perspective and said that I shouldn’t settle on the future yet. He reminded me that Dwyer said things would happen much quicker because judges like PSAs and usually they float to the top of the pile. He said that Dwyer may give our case to a judge he knows to help him improve his numbers. He is right; she probably gave us a patent answer today and we should hope for the best using the answers that our mediator (who is also a judge) gave us.

We both were relieved that we’ve done everything we can and are supposed to and it’s in their hands now. We are glad the ball is rolling.

I don’t feel a lot of relief at this exact moment, but I’m betting that it will fade into relief and hope in the next couple of days. Knowing I’ve done all I can will probably be very relieving. And I’ll probably have a better grasp on hope that things will happen soon and trust that we did all the paperwork right (because I had anxiety about that.)

It’s all good–but right now I’m not feeling the relief I thought I would just yet. You can’t really predict emotions-I’m figuring that out through all of this.

But everything that happened today was good and truthful so I’m grateful for that right now.

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I want

I want to be in a relationship. Kind of. Okay not a relationship, but I want to like someone and be liked back.

Really bad.

It’s really uncomfortable for me not to have that.

I can’t wait for this divorce to be over. Will I search for that after it is? I don’t know.

We file for divorce tomorrow and turn in the PSA. Then we have to wait up till a month to get our court date. UGH!

I want to be free and single from him.

And I want to be loved.

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I am lonely.

I’m lonely and I’m sitting with it.

It’s almost unbearable.

“What can I do to make it stop? I hate feeling this way!”

I think about the guy I have a crush on. He over heard a conversation I was having telling someone about my divorce in which I didn’t tell them my husband cheated. God…. he could hate me by now.

I am so alone.

Tell me this is going to be a short phase.  Tell me I don’t need to listen to other people telling me to wait a specific time period. Just tell me I’m going to get through this soon.

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This is weird.

So there is a post on this blog that is not a poem and it’s the only one besides the introduction. And this is the one I’m referencing: https://abrajewels.wordpress.com/2008/10/09/this-is-for-real/ 

What I didn’t say in this post is that my vision was in a Catholic church. I couldn’t be that honest with myself back then. And it didn’t make sense and I didn’t want it to; I was a Protestant. But it was as real as day just like the rest of the vision was that I was in a Catholic church.

The next part gets even better. Brad wasn’t there. He wasn’t part of the band or anything.

The whole vision was me just seeing the floor, my shoes, and the end of my dress. The rest was knowing. Both senses were equally important and mattered just was much as the other.

Brad wasn’t there and it was in a Catholic church.

Today Brad isn’t here and I’m Catholic.

I am heavily involved in the music at my church and have been ever since he left in December.

Now think about that with the rest of the vision.

Coincidence? I THINK NOT. This vision happened before I found out Brad cheated on me. Soon after this post everything began to fall apart. This vision happened over 2 years and 8 months ago.

It was meant for this time in my life after Brad left. Part of the knowing is that I was young in the vision like I am now.


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You left

I never thought you would leave.

I didn’t want you to.

Why, how, …. why?

I cried.

Even now I miss what I had with you.

Our laughter those moments when no one knew

But us

The joy we had inside of being together no frills or no fuss.

So, yah, it’s a loss to be without you

Even though you made me cry till my eyes were through.

I miss you.

I miss seeing you laughing, but not seeing you cry.

But I’m content with you being gone because I know it’s right.

You weren’t good for me at all and treated me bad.

It doesn’t mean I can’t love you and I’ll never take that back.

I love you not romantically but always as a friend.

And I’m very happy with that never having to end.

I hope you find great happiness in all your days ahead.

I hope I find love greater than I hope for before my life’s end.

I don’t regret the time we had-I loved almost all of it.

You are beautiful inside where I know you, even if you don’t know it.

Here is to us moving on and smiling at the past.

Here is to allowing our hearts to heal and thanking God at Mass.

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