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Archive for October, 2008

I am here

I am here.

I am soley Yours.

This is a simple life

with complex problems.

I am weak.

You are strong.

I live in you

my whole life long.

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This isn’t going to be a poem. I don’t know if I made that a rule or not when I first made this blog, but I now officially abolish that rule if that was the case. Now the only rule on this blog is to be completely and utterly honest.

So here is my first non-poem blog.

Well. Brad and I have been going from one social/religious thing to the next. And I knew I needed to stop and reprioritize and eventually he thought he did, too. I wasn’t trying to get him to- I think he just agreed when he thought about it. So we decided to cut one area of our life out that oddly enough is also really the one thing that isn’t required by God, work, or school. It is homegroup on Wednesdays.

I always said that I would spend time with God alone, one on one for extended periods when I stayed home. I felt like I needed this extended time. This was the first night we stayed home. I had a rough nights sleep last night and also didn’t get to exercise today. So by 8pm today I find myself on the couch bumming out watching TV. I gave into the craving of ice cream and Brad volunteered to go to the store to get it. It is that time of month afterall… a girl’s just gotta eat.

So I’m feeling guilty that I am obviously not doing what I said I would–spend an extended time with God one-on-one. In fact, I am watching the horrid TV set that brings no good these days. As I was lying there like a minute after Brad left, the TV screens suddenly turns blue. And I begin to recognize that familiar series of events that happens once in a blue moon where the cable box says it needs to reboot and it won’t do anything until it happens. I don’t know how to reboot the darn thing. Since I was at the same moment already thinking about how bad it was that I was watching TV, I found this to be quite ironic.

So I put the remote down and said hello to God. I told him that I don’t know if he did that to get my attention or what but I am here. And I talked to him. The song by Adrienne Leshing that goes…. “When I am weak, your strength is complete… You are completely all I need.” was in my head and I thought that was weird. I hadn’t listened to that for a while and not only that I hate that whole CD. So I started to realize the signifigance of this playing in my head. And I soaked in the words. And at some point I started thinking what I was weak in and it sloshed around in my brain with how much I have been feeling like a failure in the whole arena of picking a career and finding out what I am going to do after graduation.

God was saying to me that I do not need to worry about my weakness in knowing what I am supposed to do and going for it. When I am weak his strength is complete. And I thought about how I didn’t know what to do in GA but I ended up here and everyone has seen how miraculous that is. He is completely all I need. And I started meditating on how marvelous that is … wow.. that I really am weak in knowing what I should do in my life, what the next step is, and how I get so wound up about all of it. But God uses his strength when I am weak.

I don’t know if I feel asleep or if I was half asleep or if I was just thinking. But I had a very vivid picture flash through my head. All I saw was that I was standing beside a piano that was on a nice wood floor. I saw I had nice heels on and the bottom of my dress. I knew I was singing and it was VERY inspirational. It was a very special time and a special thing I was doing. It was in a church, but it was not my home church I am pretty sure. I was a visitor or special guest. I had a feeling that I had a band supporting me whether they were my band or just people that played with me I don’t know.

And it was over that quick. And the garage door came up. And Brad was home.

( This is not a normal thing for me to have a “vision.” I am probably one of the most doubtful people you will meet. I know that all sounds cheesy up there, but I refuse to be anything less than honest and I KNOW what I experienced. )

God called me to his presence to spend time with him. I had said I would and I didn’t. So God called me to him himself. Then he showed me things. He concentrated on ME. How benevelent of a Creator to care so much about the inner workings of my brain. To care about me so intimately. To take a step towards me when I take two back.
Thank you, my Best Friend.

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