Feeds:
Posts
Comments

It’s August! As typically as life delivers in unpredictability, so have the last few months been a rapid pace of growth and surprises. I’m over the emotional abuser if you read my past posts. There is a soft spot in my heart for the times he was just a good, sweet man, but in the big picture of things… he was an abuser that could not help himself. It’s been almost 6 months now since we broke up. 5 months were I have lived on my own. I can tell that this breakup was the easiest because of experience and the heartache being mostly in the relationship, but I can also tell it took time to get over in a different way because we lived together and were together for a little over 3 years. It’s all done and I’m over him now. I would not want to be with him or try again. There is a soft spot only because I know his heart even though he is abusive. I cut off all contact with him, however, because that is what you do when you know your worth.

I’ve actually dated since the week after we broke up. Many experiences, some funny and some gross. Some normal and just not for me. I knew I would start getting serious after my surgery and recovery. So I signed up for eHarmony and Catholic Match recently.

It would really take a special man for me to give up the single life. I definitely know I don’t need one and I really like all the time I have to myself to do whatever the hell I want. 🙂  In other words, he will have to be a “mighty, mighty good man” and be the icing to my cake. Any relationship in my life would have to enhance my life. I’m proud of this!

 

Advertisements

It’s funny how you can’t keep track of things in your own relationship when there is chaos. I read my prior blog post of February 2016. I knew then apparently that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. If you asked me a month ago, I would have said I didn’t really understand at that time though I had a thought I was. Now I read that I did get it. I still don’t think I fully believed it then, however.

Flash forward to February 2017. He broke up with me in Hawaii. On a vacation that was supposed to be our honeymoon, but turned vacation because he called off the wedding in November 2016. Then soon after, we became girlfriend and boyfriend rather than fiancés.

The pain I endured staying with him from that blog post of February 2016 to the breakup of February 2017 was insurmountable. It was the most emotional pain I have ever experienced in my life. If you are reading this and are in an emotionally abusive relationship, leave. Don’t stay. There are always ways to get taken care of by family or friends or resources. Now I’m sitting here working through the fact that I stayed. Sure, I think it was a lesson I had to experience to really understand. But if it helps you to hear it from someone who has been there, a minute more of abuse is a minute less of a happy life. It’s a minute more you have to get over it. Don’t put up with it. Separate or leave. They will treat you how you accept. You are a beautiful human being worthy of respect. I’m sure you didn’t react to abuse and unkindness in a healthy way while it was happening but you are not the perpetrator… you are a victim trying to survive.

Now I sit knowing that I will survive. I wish I didn’t have to feel the pain of regret and now trying to add that with knowing I did the best I could. It’s confusing. Because even if I had cancer and depended on him at the time, it was never worth staying with that treatment. Even if his brother jumped out of a window, it doesn’t give him license to treat me that way. Even if he is struggling in his new job and doesn’t handle the stress well, it doesn’t mean he can take it out on me and then start blaming me for everything. There will never be another excuse that will work to allow emotional abuse or any type of abuse to continue in my life again! Every human being deserves respect and love and apologies when needed.

I forgive you, Julie, for staying. You did not realize the severity and had a hard time believing this is who he really was. That is the cycle of abuse. You are out and that is what is important. You will never go back. You pulled away emotionally when you really, really began to see it for what it was in January 2017. You had thoughts and knew you would leave one day. Thank god it happened sooner than later. You are smart, you are loveable, and you are wise. You will always have your own back and you will never accept less than you deserve in the future. Everyone goes through lessons in life and this was one of yours. It’s okay. It’s alright. You are forgiven and you will heal.

This, please, just let this be one big, bad, long, dream. I keep saying that in the fights. It comes out of my mouth as a plea, that maybe if I say it, it will create itself. But no such luck, I don’t think.

Let’s spell it out. I am in an emotionally abusive relationship. No, it wasn’t always this way. It became a pattern of his behavior. I just got diagnosed with skin cancer and, no, that didn’t stop it. Take a hint, you say. I just had surgery to get the skin cancer removed and now have a big incision that is making walking difficult… no, that didn’t stop it either. Take a hint, you say. It’s harder than you think, I say back. Every one of us has played games in our lives and I thought and hoped that this was all it was. After experiencing his this multiple times through the cancer diagnosis and surgery, it hits home for real with no more guesses. I’m engaged to an emotionally abusive partner. He has become depressed with still no justification for abuse.

I read about how to live with this. Why? Because it looks like financially not a smart thing to do to leave now. Also, because I guess parts of me hopes that he will get better. So these articles say to not become the victim identity. They say to have compassion for your own self and keep your identity. I can do that. I am a strong person- but I know abuse is different. I have learned how to love myself over again and I will do it again and again. I will survive and thrive. This will not stop me. And, btw, no of course I don’t plan to marry someone who is abusing me.

after thinking…

Today I spent the entire day looking at wedding venues, thinking about possible times to get married, and I told my mom and dad that it happened this weekend (He had asked for their blessing but didn’t have an exact time then.)

I’m not sure that it was a great thing to do considering I spent little time taking care of myself and am extremely hungry right now, but I do have some things figured out on my first day alone since the weekend getaway and the proposal.

– I want to say my vows in front of family and friends. Only the closest of these and even inviting my extended family is pushing it for me. This is super important to him to have them their, too.

-We want to have fun. He at least wants a dance floor and I would need a venue in my style… couldn’t stand fru fru for example.

-Without talking to him to confirm this, it seems the wedding would have to happen by June, in October, or June 2016. I see the benefits of waiting until June 2016 now where I did not before. We will be moving in together in the early summer and waiting another year will give us more time to adjust to that… or really more time to be ready for marriage. That would put us together for about 2.5 years before we get married if we waited till 2016. I see the good-god relieving benefits of getting married in June or October this year, too. But marriage isn’t a race. No rush. The less rush, the better and more assured, in fact. I just hate the waiting and don’t like having a ceremony to think about for that long. Perhaps I should have a paradigm shift about the whole thing. Attitude adjustment.

-There is a reason that the majority of weddings still have the same process to go through in the planning, etc.

-I think, let’s just be real, we both are feeling the gravity of the commitment we will be making. We have both been engaged before, myself married, and both have gotten cheated on. Though we are both over those scenarios, we don’t see the world the same way even if it is almost 100% for the better. We are feeling the wait of the commitment we made; we both seem a little serious this last two days. I pray that we only get stronger through this and love each other deeper.

-I will be stressed. I do have control over how stressed I will get, but I will experience some stress. I have to accept that in order to be less stressed. This is a major life event- both good and bad stress!

-I read in an article that a tip for a bride to be is to not let others’ less than enthusiastic responses to your marriage plans get to you. These are from unhappy people whether in their own marriages or those that wish they were married. I already got one today when I told her of my engagement, “Welcome to misery, jk.” And even just talking to my own mother who just acts like another daughter’s wedding is a chore. I won’t let these people bother me. I’ve been married before and have a very realistic view of marriage and don’t need any of their projections through theirs lens at all. bu bye negatorouses!

-I am going to marry a wonderful man who I respect greatly and am so proud of. I know how much he loves me. I’ll be learning about him through this new phase of our relationship as he will me when I am unaware. I will continue to treat him well. As he told me he was explaining to his best friend, “You know, I deserve the best. And I believe Julie is the best for me.” I will continue to be myself as I always have and know that is enough for this man I love.

I’m diving in, in my calm, peaceful way. Whatever he and I decide together, come what may.

He proposed!!

The timing was absolutely perfect! When I saw the ring before I registered that it was mine… I thought and said out loud, “That is so beautiful!” It was a perfect engagement full of meaning and so perfect in timing. I’m not the type to spill all the details out on here or post it on instagram or facebook. I’m on here to process this and record this enormous blessing and one that I’m full of gratitude about. He is a wonderful man and I knew this would be how our story would turn out.

I can tell you, that I don’t want a wedding. Do I want to say my vows in front of family and friends? Yes! I wouldn’t want it just the two of us. Do I want a lull in time before the wedding? No! I just want to have our lives back to normal. I don’t like any expectation of planning a huge event. I don’t like all the details, stress, and planning. What is important to me is the people I want there to be there, that he is happy, that my guests enjoy themselves (this includes a dance floor per his request), that I look awesome, and that there is something we can all share together in conjunction with the vows. Presumably, that would be good food at the least!

The things I can think about now on very little sleep are:

A private room in a restaurant to get married in and have the reception

A cruise (not sure about that)

Do you have any suggestions or ideas? Please leave me a comment! 🙂

Cloud 9 in the middle of nonsense. Didn’t know that was possible, but I am happy to be here!

I never knew of this much happiness. Literally, my brain must have expanded it’s capacity of neurons to allow for it. I love him with all my heart, my body, and soul. I honestly have felt like I am in a dream these last 10 months! It has gone by so fast.

Safe. Peace. Comfort. Appreciation. Maturity. and most of all Love. I am loved and I love him. I can’t spell it any more clearly and too bad emoticons can only describe and not let you feel the feelings I have!

There are other things in my life happening that are in no way serious, but they haven’t felt great. They aren’t fair things. But they have happened and exist. Forgive me for being so vague, but the timing of this post and it’s publicness would produce a disaster if anyone that was involved found out so that’s all I can really say. But just like in anyone’s life, there are minor discomforts or events that come up that aren’t pleasant and do pass on but take you by surprise when they happen. That has happened a lot lately. But yet, as this post indicates… I am on cloud 9 and it seems nothing can touch that cloud way up there!! 🙂

I am extremely grateful for my life and all I have in it. I am surprised at being so HAPPY. I am not the author of my life though I do have free will, which I am so eager to have. Therefore, I exclaim gratefulness for my awesome journey and enjoy each moment while it lasts!

A. Lot.

I’d like to think this is a good use of my time writing on my blog. Actually, I know it is because it is re-centering me right now.

Sister’s Wedding. 

Music for my Sister’s Wedding

Maid of Honor

Did I get the job??

He asked me to move in with him 

And I looked at that just now and noticed something… those are all GOOD GOOD things!

I am stressed though. Unfortunately. And I think now that I am processing it, it is because of my sister and my mother’s communication/behavior. My mom is being controlling and apparently wants me to stay with her the entire time. My sister is not communicating about me possibly staying with the the entire time instead (so I can avoid the control freakishness and have the most peace as possible leading up to the wedding.) Worse case scenario: both of those women are not an option to stay with because my sister doesn’t want me there and I can’t stay with a mother who has outbursts. What will I do then? Rent a hotel room and take a cab ride. Problem solved.

So let me look at that list again. Wow. Those are all awesome things!! I had an interview that went really well at a place I would LOVE to work, my wonderful boyfriend asked me to move in with him, and my sister’s wedding (and it’s almost done!)

I won’t let the bad outweigh the good anymore now that I am literally SEEING this for what it is!  🙂  This was absolutely worth every minute of my time because it has put things into perspective and now I am HAPPY!